| Step Children 20:03 - Apr 24 with 4709 views | Decoy_Octopus |
Hello, regular reader and occasional poster here. I know TWTD is a good place for advice and a vent. Well tonight I had the dreaded "you're not my real dad" from my step daughter for the first time. Me and the wife laughed it off and I put on a brave face, but secretly, deep down; I'm devastated
We've always been close. I've helped raise her since she was 4 when me and her mum, my now wife; got serious. She's now 10. Her real dad doesn't give a s**t. Has no contact and she has never mentioned him before and can't really remember him. Apparently they were talking about families at school. Anyone else had this? Feel really down about it... |  | | |  |
| Step Children on 20:05 - Apr 24 with 2419 views | The_Romford_Blue |
Anyone can become a father. It takes a real man to be a dad.
Respect to you sir |  |
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| Step Children on 20:06 - Apr 24 with 2407 views | BackToRussia |
What prompted that/what's the context? |  |
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| Step Children on 20:07 - Apr 24 with 2396 views | J2BLUE |
Mate, she's 10. When people say something like that they are looking for something to hurt you. Job done. She will probably feel really bad about it when she calms down. She's probably not old enough to say sorry but might test the water somehow to see how you react. React well, give her a cuddle and show her you are her 'real dad' whatever that means these days.
Have a read of this:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/apr/24/families-evolved-language- |  |
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| Step Children on 20:08 - Apr 24 with 2393 views | MJallday |
my advice (based on a friend whos been through the same) nip it in the bud. do it early, otherwise it will grow - and not get better till shes much older.
he did it by retorting "well i may not be your father but i am your dad, and the best and only one youve got" - that sorted out the little madam. |  |
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| Step Children on 20:08 - Apr 24 with 2378 views | J2BLUE |
| Step Children on 20:05 - Apr 24 by The_Romford_Blue |
Anyone can become a father. It takes a real man to be a dad.
Respect to you sir |
My nan bought my dad a fridge magnet with that on... | |
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| Step Children on 20:08 - Apr 24 with 2383 views | Lord_Lucan |
If your daughter knew how bad you felt then she would feel worse.
It must be awful but chin up, she really doesn't mean it.
She is a decade old, that is all. |  |
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| Step Children on 20:11 - Apr 24 with 2356 views | The_Romford_Blue |
| Step Children on 20:08 - Apr 24 by J2BLUE |
My nan bought my dad a fridge magnet with that on... |
I guess I didn't make that saying up then
Damn. | |
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| Step Children on 20:12 - Apr 24 with 2337 views | PJH |
| Step Children on 20:11 - Apr 24 by The_Romford_Blue |
I guess I didn't make that saying up then
Damn. |
But maybe you have seen J2's Dad's fridge. |  | | |
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| Step Children on 20:13 - Apr 24 with 2323 views | Plums |
I haven't had the same experience but I do know that kids of that age don't really understand consequences, she's just seeing what the reaction is and won't have any comprehension of how it hurts.
I'd suggest keep doing what you're doing, one day she'll really appreciate and understand it. |  |
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| Step Children on 20:16 - Apr 24 with 2317 views | Decoy_Octopus |
| Step Children on 20:06 - Apr 24 by BackToRussia |
What prompted that/what's the context? |
She had a picture of me and her together thatI'd put up on my desk at work after I found it the other day. Got in at the tail end of a row between her and my wife (over knitting of all things) and she said it after I'd told her about it she said "ooh you're not my real dad so it doesn't matter anyway" she was in a mood though and that coupled with them talking about it at her school and me apparently siding with my wife by saying her knitting was lovely was what set it off my wife reckons. [Post edited 24 Apr 2017 20:21]
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| Step Children on 20:20 - Apr 24 with 2287 views | BackToRussia |
| Step Children on 20:16 - Apr 24 by Decoy_Octopus |
She had a picture of me and her together thatI'd put up on my desk at work after I found it the other day. Got in at the tail end of a row between her and my wife (over knitting of all things) and she said it after I'd told her about it she said "ooh you're not my real dad so it doesn't matter anyway" she was in a mood though and that coupled with them talking about it at her school and me apparently siding with my wife by saying her knitting was lovely was what set it off my wife reckons. [Post edited 24 Apr 2017 20:21]
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So what doesn't matter? Sorry not following the story.
But it doesn't matter too much I'd say. If your relationship is good day-to-day it's best to ignore the things said when people are upset.
Unless she's saying stuff like this regularly I'd try not to be concerned. | |
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| Step Children on 20:21 - Apr 24 with 2293 views | PJH |
I acquired two step daughters about 30 years ago when their Mum and I got together,think they were aged 14 and 12 then.
I do not recall having any major problems with them although there was a spell several years later when the younger one tended to wind me up.
I am now a very proud Grandad to three kids produced by the younger daughter and we see a hell of a lot of them because her marriage to the kids dad broke up.
Although I cannot give any direct advice I think that she probably regrets what she said.
Can your Wife have a chat with her,maybe the daughter needs to open her heart a bit to someone? | | | |
| Step Children on 20:23 - Apr 24 with 2266 views | Decoy_Octopus |
| Step Children on 20:20 - Apr 24 by BackToRussia |
So what doesn't matter? Sorry not following the story.
But it doesn't matter too much I'd say. If your relationship is good day-to-day it's best to ignore the things said when people are upset.
Unless she's saying stuff like this regularly I'd try not to be concerned. |
Apparently it doesn't matter that I put a picture of us both up on my desk at work.
First time she's done it, still feel pretty cut up but we've had a chat now. | | | |
| Step Children on 20:26 - Apr 24 with 2241 views | Decoy_Octopus |
| Step Children on 20:21 - Apr 24 by PJH |
I acquired two step daughters about 30 years ago when their Mum and I got together,think they were aged 14 and 12 then.
I do not recall having any major problems with them although there was a spell several years later when the younger one tended to wind me up.
I am now a very proud Grandad to three kids produced by the younger daughter and we see a hell of a lot of them because her marriage to the kids dad broke up.
Although I cannot give any direct advice I think that she probably regrets what she said.
Can your Wife have a chat with her,maybe the daughter needs to open her heart a bit to someone? |
I've actually got two. Her and her brother who's 8. Their real dad was abusive to my wife and she left when my step daughter was 2 a couple of weeks after their son was born. Have one biological child as well but they are all treated the same and my parents have treated them the same as all the other grand kids from the start. | | | |
| Step Children on 20:29 - Apr 24 with 2218 views | BackToRussia |
| Step Children on 20:23 - Apr 24 by Decoy_Octopus |
Apparently it doesn't matter that I put a picture of us both up on my desk at work.
First time she's done it, still feel pretty cut up but we've had a chat now. |
Yeah that's a harsh one to hear. As people have said young people will say a lot of hurtful things that they don't even really understand the meaning of... hard to rationalise when you're the one hearing it though - no doubt. | |
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| Step Children on 20:29 - Apr 24 with 2218 views | NewcyBlue |
| Step Children on 20:16 - Apr 24 by Decoy_Octopus |
She had a picture of me and her together thatI'd put up on my desk at work after I found it the other day. Got in at the tail end of a row between her and my wife (over knitting of all things) and she said it after I'd told her about it she said "ooh you're not my real dad so it doesn't matter anyway" she was in a mood though and that coupled with them talking about it at her school and me apparently siding with my wife by saying her knitting was lovely was what set it off my wife reckons. [Post edited 24 Apr 2017 20:21]
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Hello Decoy.
Be prepared to her your Step Daughter say that whenever she is in a mood, or you discipline her, or disagree with her.
She DOESN'T mean it. She is lashing out. She is a child.
Acknowledge your feelings, it hurts. Now move on.
Carry on being the best father figure to her that you can be.
I wish you well. |  |
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| Step Children on 20:29 - Apr 24 with 2216 views | Lord_Lucan |
| Step Children on 20:23 - Apr 24 by Decoy_Octopus |
Apparently it doesn't matter that I put a picture of us both up on my desk at work.
First time she's done it, still feel pretty cut up but we've had a chat now. |
I sympathise greatly but she really doesn't know what she is saying. | |
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| Step Children on 20:31 - Apr 24 with 2193 views | Illinoisblue |
| Step Children on 20:12 - Apr 24 by PJH |
But maybe you have seen J2's Dad's fridge. |
during which time Rommy taught the J2 family to make eggs. It's all adding up now... |  |
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| Step Children on 20:33 - Apr 24 with 2172 views | PJH |
| Step Children on 20:31 - Apr 24 by Illinoisblue |
during which time Rommy taught the J2 family to make eggs. It's all adding up now... |
You are probably right,I had not thought of that but it seems pretty likely now that you mention it. | | | |
| Step Children on 20:35 - Apr 24 with 2170 views | Decoy_Octopus |
Thanks for the advice all. Had a bit of a chat and a hug and she didn't mean it and is now crocheting me a scarf apparently! | | | |
| Step Children on 20:36 - Apr 24 with 2154 views | PJH |
| Step Children on 20:35 - Apr 24 by Decoy_Octopus |
Thanks for the advice all. Had a bit of a chat and a hug and she didn't mean it and is now crocheting me a scarf apparently! |
Blue and white I hope. | | | |
| Step Children on 20:37 - Apr 24 with 2146 views | Plums |
| Step Children on 20:35 - Apr 24 by Decoy_Octopus |
Thanks for the advice all. Had a bit of a chat and a hug and she didn't mean it and is now crocheting me a scarf apparently! |
Good for you both.
Now that's sorted, do we know anything about your cheese preferences? | |
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| Step Children on 20:38 - Apr 24 with 2140 views | Decoy_Octopus |
| Step Children on 20:07 - Apr 24 by J2BLUE |
Mate, she's 10. When people say something like that they are looking for something to hurt you. Job done. She will probably feel really bad about it when she calms down. She's probably not old enough to say sorry but might test the water somehow to see how you react. React well, give her a cuddle and show her you are her 'real dad' whatever that means these days.
Have a read of this:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/apr/24/families-evolved-language- |
By the way thanks for the article J2.
Keep on cooking those eggs or whatever it is you do. | | | |
| Step Children on 20:39 - Apr 24 with 2127 views | Decoy_Octopus |
| Step Children on 20:37 - Apr 24 by Plums |
Good for you both.
Now that's sorted, do we know anything about your cheese preferences? |
Mentioned these before
A good Cheddar
Pablo
Keane was worse. | | | |
| Step Children on 20:41 - Apr 24 with 2121 views | Decoy_Octopus |
| Step Children on 20:36 - Apr 24 by PJH |
Blue and white I hope. |
I wish, it's going to be rainbow coloured apparently. I've told her she can't at any point have yellow following green or vice versa though. | | | |
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