Talking into his earpiece? No, Mark Halsey was in conversation with his Demonic Inner Self, speculates TWTD columnist The Vulture.
Conversation One
Dateline 1524 hours, 5th January 2008, Portman Road, Ipswich.
Halsey is in charge (well, supposed to be) of Ipswich Town v Portsmouth in the FA Cup third round when Town midfielder Liam Trotter slightly mistimes a tackle on Pedro Mendes. Mendes reacts as if a landmine has blown both his feet off. Enter Halsey's Demonic Inner Self (DIS for short):
DIS: Ouch, red card that one, Mark.
MH: Eh?
DIS: Straight red. Horror tackle. In the current climate he's got to go, you know.
MH: Surely he's a young midfielder who's gone for a ball and arrived late. There's no intent, he's led with one foot on the ground and it's a yellow at worst.
DIS: Halsey, are you having a laugh? It was a dangerous lunge. You must send him off.
MH: No, I think a caution will do.
DIS: Mark, have a word with yourself, will you? You book the lad, and all Gavin Peacock and co will be talking about is the pulsating cup tie between two well-matched sides that was a credit to the competition. But send him off and they'll be talking about YOU, my son. YOU! What's more important?
MH: Well, erm...
DIS: Look, these 20,000 or so fans haven't come to watch a game of football, they're here to watch YOU Mark, YOU! Don't disappoint them. And you'd love Gabby Logan to admire your principled stance against these terrible tackles on Match Of The Day, wouldn't you? She may even blow you a kiss on camera for being so brave.
Halsey's earpiece crackles into life
DIS: There, Joe Jordan agrees with you. Red card, he says. He's a professional and 100% right. Like you, 100% right. And the Pope, come to think of it. Go on Mark, reach for the card...
Halsey flashes the red card. Cue disbelief from all corners of the ground, followed by an almost unprecedented outpouring of bile and hatred towards the hapless official.
Conversation Two
Dateline 1550 hours on the same day.
Resisting the urge to launch a torrent of language of Anglo-Saxon vintage, Jim Magilton has asked Halsey to look at the incident again on video. However Halsey's Demonic Inner Self demands his say:
DIS: Look at it again? He's having a grin, surely. Don't be intimidated by these goons Mark, I bet this Tim Magilson has never even played the game at the highest level. What does he know about football? Tell him you're like Joe Jordan and the Pope, a professional and 100% right. OK, maybe leave the bit about the Pope out. Let him know what he's dealing with, Mark...
Conversation Three
Dateline: The Future
Mark Halsey is appearing on Mastermind, where he has scored one point on his chosen specialised subject, The Laws of Association Football, by correctly answering the first question, "What shape ball is traditionally used in the game of association football?"
In the chair for the general knowledge round, John Humphrys asks him the first question, "What is the capital of Turkey?", to which Halsey replies "Istanbul". Humphrys replies with "No, Ankara." Enter Halsey's Demonic Inner Self:
DIS: What did he say? Did you hear what he just called you? That's foul and abusive in anyone's language. Go on Mark, you've got to send him off. Show him a red. Remember, you're a professional and 100% right...