OldGit@Reserves reports on the Town second string's continuing battle at the top of the reserves league.
A few barmy old gits, stripped to the waist*, on a balmy afternoon at Playford Road - a scorchio 22 degree sun beating down on coppery old bald heads - enjoyed yet another Ipswich victory, this time signed and sealed within ten minutes of kick-off.
*Thankfully, that was hyperbole.
If only one could write the same of the first team. We're doomed, doomed...no, we're not. Keep calm.
Forgotten Yoof, Robert Dickinson - Bloomfield, Ambrose, Bent, goalie Price, perhaps even Chelmsford's own Erdum Artun (anag, 'A Nut Murder' ) now all ahead of him, in the favouritism lists - scored first, from a tight angle on the left, a goal he went on to earn by percipient play throughout the first half; and, scoring his 31st goal in all competitions this season, delicious Darren Bent, full of derring-do, who pipped and popped the ball from instep to instep before plopping home a plumb, from an angle on the right, with his right. 'Like Rivelino', said (young) Phil Ham. The clues are all there. Phil later thought he meant Brian Eno, whose brother's friend lives right opposite Phil. Small world indeed.
Town's ambitious, fast-moving, fast-changing Reserves need only a draw from each of their remaining two games, to win the FA Premiership Reserves League (South) one of the most sought-after medals in, well, the Premier Reserves League (South). Next Monday, they are away to Spurs at Stevenage, but, most importantly, for all Townies, our all-conquering Reserves are at home to fellow Premiership strugglers, and fellow-title-chasing Reservistas, Derby County, on May Day, at Fortress Portman Road, KO 7pm. Arsenal, unstruggling on all fronts, are the only other title contenders.
Once again, the opposition weren't much opposition. But playing in a winning team burnishes the confidence of all these young players. The only non-Yoofs present were Ashley Nicholls and Will Snowdon, who have both, now, been released, and Wayne Brown and Richard Naylor, who will be released, surely, unless we are rel******.
Naylor and Bent were both withdrawn 15 mins from the end, but don't expect to see them at Portman Road this week. Naylor looked his normal fit, lively, ineffective self, and took a nasty knock in a tackle that could have had eight foot Southampton defender, Steven Gray, sent off. Dazzler, as usual, should have actually scored more. It is becoming characteristic of him that goal chances appear all around him, not all of which he takes. Peter Schmeichel is a mirror image, ie both have 'knacks'.
If you want to see a mirror image of the word knack, look at Kevin Davies, 'Fat' Davies as I call him (in the same way that that pot calls that kettle names). 'Fat' has the body of Pat Roache, from Auf Weidersehn, Pet, and the head of Graham Norton. It's how he plays, too. Towards the end of the game, Beefy Lee Beevers - more of a wombat than a beaver - and Wayne Brown (:no rude names, as he scares me a bit) threw a couple of anchors around 'Fat' in the penalty area and brought him down, like you bring down a dirigible balloon. Only his mother thought Fat would convert the pen. He bumbled up, like a barrelly sailor performing a drunken hornpipe - oh, no, that's Portsmouth, isn't it? Same difference, and our Lewis Price was able to wander across to his left to make a save that he will tell his mother capped another encouraging performance in goal, though it would be more of a test for him to play for our Reserves' opponents each week, as our Reserve goalkeeping position is something of a sinecure. Unlike the first team's....no, no, leave that for tomorrow.
You've put Richard Logan's bottom into your 'search' engines for this Report, haven't you ? You're scanning down, waiting to see if it's grown. You're forgetting that I thought he played quite well, last time out, but I know you're only really interested in his David Johnson Memorial Buttocks. Well, yes, he was wearing them again, all rucking up around his groin, though he was only on for a quarter of an hour at the end, or, as he called it, a very long and exhausting spell. Before then, Log was the bench. No, not 'on the bench'. hehehe.
Southampton also fielded an England player, Mark Draper, but I couldn't be bothered working out which one he was. Playing for England used to be a rare a valuable honour, but that was before Carlton Palmer.
The rest of the Southampton players were all Welsh. Southampton's a long way from Ipswich, and so is Wales, so they are probably close to each other ; Gareth Williams, Aaron Davies, Brian Howard, Richard Jones, Fat.
Uniquely, today's whole Reserves squad was British, possibly all English, though Lewis Price sounds a bit on the cusp, doesn't it? Fab Ian has been elevated, together with The Dutch International whom I know you all feel should have been playing for the first team much more, this dreadful season, but, though he has strength in his feet, his legs are not as mobile as his arms, head and mouth. He has been a 'star' of the Reserves but that is a contradiction in terms).
Today was exceptional for the sunshine and for the fact that our Reserves returned to the top of the League Of Sorts.
Today's actual team 'did enough'. Once you have a stranglehold on the match after 11 and a quarter minutes, which is how I timed our second goal, what are you supposed to do? The brilliance of our Yoofs is, in large measure, teamwork that relies on what Simon Thadani, our fitness coach, was emphasising in the warm-up: sharpness, something woefully lacking elsewhere in the Club. Players like Matthew Bloomfield and Ian Westlake have that on-your-toes attitude that means you get to the ball quicker and then have it passing up through the midfield, where I like Dickinson's fire and long-passing ability, to Darren Bent and it's in the net. We saw just such a move as that, late on, which was ruled offside, though it deserved a goal. 'Spoil our fun', as I shouted, rather amusingly, to the ref, an irritatingly matey young man clearly destined for ITV gameshows.
The Reserves' captain, thin, effete young Boer (as opposed to your correspondent, a fat, heterosexual old bore) Justin Miller was absent through injury but an insignificant pimple when compared to Dale Roberts, whose chemo-therapy has not only taken his hair but all his colour, too. He admittedly never looks as rosy as, for example, Sheepy, but I hope Roberts isn't as poorly as he looks. Good luck.
And Good Bye. That's Enuf. (Remember, this match was in a field in Rushmere. You can't see what's going on. It's hopeless for football, which should be viewed only in fine stadia such as we have in the centre of town. Pity it's going to be showing First........NO!)
TEAM :
Lewis Price in goal;
Artun, Beevers, Brown, Snowdon;
Bloomfield, Nicholls, Westlake, Dickinson;
Bent, (Robinson), Naylor, (Logan);
SOUTHAMPTON: sundry, inc Fat Davies and other people called Welsh names like Davies.
THE END
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oldgit is surprisingly warm;
oldgit no longer eats sugar after seeing that programme on the telly;
oldgit drinks something called diet coke;
oh, I suppose that smell is because I have got so warm.