 [Blog] Send In The Clowns - Betting Tips from the Cirque du Hooray!Written by SE1blue on Wednesday, 2nd Nov 2011 21:47 I am a big fan of Mario Balotelli. He could be my twin brother but for a couple of subtle differences. When he revealed the slogan ‘Why Always Me?’, I shared his pain. When I left secondary school my Year Tutor, Mr Edwards, ended my final school report with the sentence ‘Always the clown, never the ringmaster!’ At the time, I thought it was a fitting tribute to five years of dedicated classroom tomfoolery and my size 12 feet. However, I discovered later that summer, Steady Eddy (as us wacky kids called him), had not only written my education epitaph, he had also placed a £20 bet with the Deputy Head that I would fail all of my A Levels. Sadly, for him, I gained three passes, which was enough to send me off to university to study a degree in Property Management. Several years later, I landed my first ‘proper’ job, with a small property surveying company in Essex. Everyone was so pleased for me. Mum cooked Toad in the Hole, Dad bought me a Parker pen from WHSmith. I showed my intent to succeed; purchasing a £100 suit from Debenhams and a couple of silk nooses from Tie Rack. Sadly, whilst I looked every inch the surveyor on the outside, I was still 100% ‘comedy entertainer’ on the inside. In return for forcing me out of bed at seven o’clock and into a cheap suit every weekday morning, my new employer gave me a good salary, a company car, a desk with a view and unlimited internet access, plus a very cute secretary to flirt with (those were the days!). What did they expect giving all of this to a lad in his early twenties? Answer: Hard work. A guy who generates new business and income. An employee who brings new ideas to the boardroom table. Someone who is willing to undertake any task from making the tea to measuring a 40,000sqft warehouse. What they got, however, was a guy who was on the TWTD forum when sat at his desk, and parked in lay-bys reading Hemingway when away from it. They had employed a young man who thought the weekend started at midday on Thursday and ended at 9am on Tuesday. When I wasn’t en route to getting drunk, I was down the path of sobering up – with countless cigarette breaks in between. Little did they know, but they had employed someone who thought he needed to be the wrong end of the A12 on match night at least three hours before the game, but who claimed he was off seeing clients. When I returned to work in the New Year and was told I had been “obnoxious†at the staff Christmas party, I heard “legendaryâ€. When I was “embarrassingâ€, I knew they meant “hilariousâ€. Purchasing a senior partner a thong (displaying the company logo) and a bottle of baby oil for his Secret Santa, was a reason for laughter, not an excuse for muttering under the breath. And I was adamant that jealousy had earnt me more frowns than raised eyebrows for sleeping with my secretary that night. If only they had been endlessly read poetry, and not reports of dry rot, into their Dictaphones (I can recommend e.e.cummings' ‘I Carry Your Heart’) they could have been winners too. However, even in a small office, my colleagues were soon putting an increasing amount of distance between themselves and the liability in the corner. I found myself being given less and less responsibility and more and more time alone as my colleagues ran the business. My appointments slowly dried up and so did my boss’s sense of humour. Then, one cold morning in March, I found myself sat on the other side of his desk negotiating a redundancy package. You couldn’t have even painted a smile on my face that day and I finally understood what Steady Eddy had meant. I wonder if Mario Balotelli will ever answer his own question. For the benefit of football, I really hope not. Finally, a couple of TWTD members have questioned how appropriate it is to have a gambling blog in light of the news relating to Michael Chopra. Whilst his situation highlights the risks associated with gambling, he is taking positive steps to try and overcome his addiction. If you feel like you have a problem with gambling then there are services you can contact to help you address these issues. Please gamble sensibly and safely at all times. This blog does not promote gambling, or the dictation of poetry to secretaries, but just hopes to make you smile (and perhaps get lucky with the ladies) but there are no guarantees or refunds if it doesn’t. Here are this week’s predictions: Draw Doubles Fulham v Tottenham Bolton v Stoke Accumulator Correct Score Prediction Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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