| Waiting for the end...(grim read) 01:20 - Oct 17 with 10588 views | TIB |
That is literally what I have done for 8 days now...standing/sleeping by mums side following a severe dip in her battle with cancer.
She went in two Fridays ago to hospital, her trips to hospital over the last year having been more frequent due to the fungating wounds she has developed and them being borderline unmanageable in the battle against infection. I turned 31 on the Sunday and after breakfast with the old man and sister I went to see her...the minute I saw her I knew it was bad but I left her and went to work the following day. Monday after work I went to the gym and upon my return to the house my wife informed me I needed to go back to the hospital right away as mum had been told she had days to live.
We spent 3 nights in the hospital and on the second she took my hand and began to cry before asking me to call my sister and dad and get them to come in...we then all sat around her through the night expecting her to go but she didn’t.
The Thursday she got moved to this hospice, something she knew about and we were glad she had held on for, however the first night here, again she was quiet and we were all with her before suddenly she woke up screaming telling us “I can’t go through with it”...”just give me the drugs to make me better”...”give me a pill to end it”. Just a totally mindf*cking situation, the fear will haunt me forever and I truly believe it’s fear which is keeping her alive still now.
Tonight is the first night I’ve slept in a bed for 8 nights, the hospice kindly found me a fold up bed and I have to say, this Sue Ryder home has been a god send as mum would have hated to finish her days in a busy hospital. Mum is now unable to swallow and her agitation levels required a drug earlier today to calm her...she has not said a word or gestured to us anything all day, it truly feels like she is gone now but I just can’t concede to going home in case she does come around like herself in the final moments of her life. Her last words to me yesterday were thanking me for getting her to the hospice and staying with her. After that we communicated through her squeezing my hand and the odd thumbs up but today has just been nothing.
All this does have some purpose...mainly allowing me to vent!!! I didn’t want to post but I’m truly mentally drained...I actually said to a doctor earlier I just want it over now...I said I felt like a complete d*ck for saying it but for me, I have accepted that I will probably never talk to my mum again, or even feel her squeeze my hand!!! I can’t even cry anymore now, it’s almost like I’ll be happier than sad when she does finally go...seeing someone so fearful and gone has totally flipped my feelings at present. Me and my sister couldn’t stop laughing yesterday also when someone asked...whilst in the room with my mum...if she’d like to donor her eyes when she died!?! Followed by some overly enthusiastic family support person coming in and asking if we needed support!?! I had to bite my tongue from telling both of them to f**k off!!! I respect they mean well but right now, leaving my mum to speak to randoms about giving them eye balls or my thoughts just isn’t high on my agenda.
The other point I wanted to raise is for others going through such things. Make sure to speak to people about the illlness, my family all agree mum never spoke enough about her cancer or accepted she had got it again and perhaps that is why she’s been fighting this last week as on at least two occasions as a family it has felt like she’s seconds from going and then she has fought it off. Having fight is good, but not being able to accept the inevitable at times has seemed detrimental and made going in peace seem impossible.
Long may folk keep beating cancer and long may survivors stay clear.
Apologies for the doom and gloom, especially in derby week, I just needed to vent  |  |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:03 - Oct 17 with 2607 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:51 - Oct 17 by GlasgowBlue |
Really sorry to hear about your mum mate. I have lost both of my parents to this terrible disease and to see them deteriate in front of your eyes is something that will never go away.
But with time you will remeber her more as the lady who brought you into this world and shared many happy memories with you when she was in full health and less of the lady you see in front of you now.
Your final paragraph is spot on. My old man rarely spoke of his ilness in his final year, or the fact that one day he wouldn't be there, which in turn didn't allow us to have a long goodbye and talk about how much I loved him.
Keep strong mate and best wishes. |
It's the things that you don't say and do that causes any regrets imho . |  |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:03 - Oct 17 with 2607 views | stickymockwell |
It's the cruellest of diseases.
All the best TIB and condolences to you and your family. |  |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:04 - Oct 17 with 2606 views | JoeSoap |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:01 - Oct 17 by Ryorry |
Can't find words, but big hug to you Joe, as always. |
Thank you lovely lady. |  |
| “At first nothing will happen to us, and later on it will happen to us again.” |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:48 - Oct 17 with 2575 views | BergholtBru |
I was fortunate in that both my parents passed away reasonably peacefully. I just hope everything works out for the best for you. Keep strong mate. |  |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:53 - Oct 17 with 2572 views | DebsyAngel |
Broke my heart reading this, and at a loss at what to say other than a massive hug from me. |  | | |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 11:05 - Oct 17 with 2559 views | J2BLUE |
Sorry you're going through that mate. Best wishes to you all.
She sounds just like my nan was in her last days. Brings it all back.
Take care.
Edit: If you want to post and vent please do. Don't think anything of it. We'll listen. [Post edited 17 Oct 2017 11:06]
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| on 12:40 - Oct 17 with 2525 views | _ |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 with 2497 views | TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all  | |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:36 - Oct 17 with 2479 views | Ryorry |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
Oh TIB ... sending you a big hug. Thinking of you and your family.
R.I.P. your Mum. |  |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:44 - Oct 17 with 2467 views | stickymockwell |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
RIP mamma TIB xxx | |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:45 - Oct 17 with 2464 views | PJH |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
R.I.P. your Mum. |  | | |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:49 - Oct 17 with 2457 views | DebsyAngel |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
Sorry to read this - but RIP to your dear Mum and hoping you will be ok. Take care xx | | | |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 15:09 - Oct 17 with 2441 views | WeWereZombies |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
My condolences - if you feel the need to vent again, or just share your thoughts, through the coming days I think most of us are here for you. Whatever you need that can be delivered through the forum, just ask. |  |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 15:11 - Oct 17 with 2436 views | J2BLUE |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
RIP TIB's mum. | |
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| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 15:20 - Oct 17 with 2429 views | BerlinBlue |
I'm so sorry to hear this. Watching a close relative succumb to the ravages of this horrible disease is likely to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, as I did with my dad. Vent away, we're all here for you. |  | | |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 15:59 - Oct 17 with 2403 views | connorscontract |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 14:25 - Oct 17 by TIB |
Hi all, I’ve not read through all the comments yet as sadly mum passed at 4:05am, all very peaceful which was a huge relief. No idea what to feel right now but am off for a jog to clear my head and my lungs after a very long week and even longer few years since mum was re-diagnosed.
From the comments I have seen, it means a lot to have support and hear others experience of such situations so a huge thanks to all |
It's good to hear that your mum died peacefully and that her struggles are over.
I hope you had a good run and that you get a really good night's sleep tonight. | | | |
| Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 16:12 - Oct 17 with 2391 views | dusseldorf_blue |
That's a tough read and respect for sharing.
I am nowhere near as eloquent as you but have, in some respects, a similar situation.
My mum has been diagnosed with dementia and I find this so tough to deal with. Living in Germany, as I do, I get home 3-4 times a year and each time I notice things have got worse.
She still remembers me and you can have a conversation, of sorts, with her but she is no longer my mum. She has carers come in 3 time’s day, which helps, but I am not sure what quality of life she has. Once I went there after been out in the afternoon and she was sitting staring at the plate of food the carers had put in front of her 4 hours earlier for her lunch.
I am also sometimes have the thoughts 'this is not my mum anymore' and 'that we are waiting for the end'´, but it will be a long wait and there is no chance it will get better.
The thing that gets me the most though is that I just can't begin to comprehend what’s going through her head. It can't be that she sits at home all day long and just thinks of nothing or is just switched off.
I just find the whole situation so tough to deal with, especially been so far away when there is an emergency or so all the burden falls on my sister, leaving me with feelings of guilt as well as all the other feelings.
But anyway TIB, keep your head up and focus on the good times. You can also be especially proud you got your mum to the hospice to see out the last in somewhat better surroundings. |  | | |
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