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Waiting for the end...(grim read) 01:20 - Oct 17 with 8887 viewsTIB

That is literally what I have done for 8 days now...standing/sleeping by mums side following a severe dip in her battle with cancer.

She went in two Fridays ago to hospital, her trips to hospital over the last year having been more frequent due to the fungating wounds she has developed and them being borderline unmanageable in the battle against infection. I turned 31 on the Sunday and after breakfast with the old man and sister I went to see her...the minute I saw her I knew it was bad but I left her and went to work the following day. Monday after work I went to the gym and upon my return to the house my wife informed me I needed to go back to the hospital right away as mum had been told she had days to live.

We spent 3 nights in the hospital and on the second she took my hand and began to cry before asking me to call my sister and dad and get them to come in...we then all sat around her through the night expecting her to go but she didn’t.

The Thursday she got moved to this hospice, something she knew about and we were glad she had held on for, however the first night here, again she was quiet and we were all with her before suddenly she woke up screaming telling us “I can’t go through with it”...”just give me the drugs to make me better”...”give me a pill to end it”. Just a totally mindf*cking situation, the fear will haunt me forever and I truly believe it’s fear which is keeping her alive still now.

Tonight is the first night I’ve slept in a bed for 8 nights, the hospice kindly found me a fold up bed and I have to say, this Sue Ryder home has been a god send as mum would have hated to finish her days in a busy hospital. Mum is now unable to swallow and her agitation levels required a drug earlier today to calm her...she has not said a word or gestured to us anything all day, it truly feels like she is gone now but I just can’t concede to going home in case she does come around like herself in the final moments of her life. Her last words to me yesterday were thanking me for getting her to the hospice and staying with her. After that we communicated through her squeezing my hand and the odd thumbs up but today has just been nothing.

All this does have some purpose...mainly allowing me to vent!!! I didn’t want to post but I’m truly mentally drained...I actually said to a doctor earlier I just want it over now...I said I felt like a complete d*ck for saying it but for me, I have accepted that I will probably never talk to my mum again, or even feel her squeeze my hand!!! I can’t even cry anymore now, it’s almost like I’ll be happier than sad when she does finally go...seeing someone so fearful and gone has totally flipped my feelings at present. Me and my sister couldn’t stop laughing yesterday also when someone asked...whilst in the room with my mum...if she’d like to donor her eyes when she died!?! Followed by some overly enthusiastic family support person coming in and asking if we needed support!?! I had to bite my tongue from telling both of them to f**k off!!! I respect they mean well but right now, leaving my mum to speak to randoms about giving them eye balls or my thoughts just isn’t high on my agenda.

The other point I wanted to raise is for others going through such things. Make sure to speak to people about the illlness, my family all agree mum never spoke enough about her cancer or accepted she had got it again and perhaps that is why she’s been fighting this last week as on at least two occasions as a family it has felt like she’s seconds from going and then she has fought it off. Having fight is good, but not being able to accept the inevitable at times has seemed detrimental and made going in peace seem impossible.

Long may folk keep beating cancer and long may survivors stay clear.

Apologies for the doom and gloom, especially in derby week, I just needed to vent

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 01:26 - Oct 17 with 6457 viewsconnorscontract

Sending a virtual arm round the shoulder...

I hope your mum is at peace soon and you are able to rest easy. Sleep deprivation is horrible, but coupled with being on a constant state of alertness to your mum's breathing etc, absolutely draining.

All the best to you and yours.
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 01:26 - Oct 17 with 6457 viewsNewcyBlue

All the best to you and your family mate.

Always here if you need to chat or vent.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 01:31 - Oct 17 with 6446 viewsSwansea_Blue

Ah, fk. Having been through the same situation twice, I know where you're coming from. The reaction and feelings you describe are exactly what I went through. Console yourself knowing that you got your mum to a place she wanted to be; we didn't with my mum, and that's been the lasting guilt that maybe we let her down in her time of greatest need. Other than that there's not a lot you can do other than what you have done.

Keep strong but also don't be afraid to share your feelings (as you have). It won't help your mum but it will help you and your family deal with this.

Best wishes buh.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 01:52 - Oct 17 with 6433 viewsRyorry

Couldn't read this the first time I opened it as bro went through the horrors when only 29, my Mum too in a completely different way in her 80s & it's all still a bit raw, but so feel for you all, and as someone else above put it so well, I send you an arm round your shoulder.

Remember to look after yourself please, you need your sleep & you won't be of any use to anyone if you burn yourself out anyway

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 02:28 - Oct 17 with 6405 viewsThe_Romford_Blue

I'm sorry to hear that TIB

All the best pal - drop me a PM if you need a chat

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 02:37 - Oct 17 with 6397 viewsjeera

Tough time for you and family, and for your mum of course.

So sorry to hear this, terribly sad.

Glad to read that she has such a good crew around her though and I'm sure she's very proud of you all.

As for 'wanting it over', that's completely understandable, no one wants a loved one to suffer.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 05:25 - Oct 17 with 6323 viewsBenters

Mate stay strong it is a awful thing to go through ive done it twice with my Father and Brother.

But you will get through it,we all do in the end.

Stay strong.

Gentlybentley
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 05:49 - Oct 17 with 6309 viewsbrogansnose

I'm not too good with words but ,genuinely all the best, which may well be a bit trite and I'm glad that you came on here to share that.
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 07:04 - Oct 17 with 6219 viewsTLA

So sorry to hear the distress and pain you're all having to go through.

It's probably done you good to write down how you feel here. Just know that there will be plenty of listening ears whenever you want to say anything.

I hope you all find some peace very soon.
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 07:44 - Oct 17 with 6166 viewsJohnny_Boy

Tough reading - I feel that's going to be my breaking point when my Mum eventually passes.

I (unfortunately) remember my nan having a grapefruit sized tumor in her brain & she went proper loopy. One day she was as right as rain, the next, she had no idea of who I was. As a 12yo that had known her my entire life, that was totally crushing, deeply upsetting & unfathomable to properly comprehend as a stupid kid.

I probably sobbed at her funeral from start to finish.

Many years later I decided to visit her grave as I was in the area. It triggered everything all over again. I just wept uncontrollably.

Ironic, as she always had a 'matter of fact' attitude to death.
"When you're gone - You're gone" was her saying.
I'm sure she would unceremoniously tell me to pull myself together & get on with my own life.


Unfortunately, dealing with loved-ones mortality is part of life.
Hopefully, it makes us better people dealing with it rationally - but it never gets any easier.
[Post edited 17 Oct 2017 7:50]
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 08:00 - Oct 17 with 6121 viewsSteve_M

Don't apologise for writing that, I think we can all understand what a horrible situation you're living through at the moment and, as you rightly recognise, the only way that improves is when your Mum does die.

I hope the doctors are able to make her last few days as comfortable as possible and that when the end does come you and the rest of the immediate family are there with her and able to take the positive memories of her life forward.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 08:37 - Oct 17 with 6037 viewsGuthrum

Have been impressed with Sue Ryder, friend of mine died in one of them a few months ago. As you say, much nicer than hospital.

The only thing you can do is make sure you look after yourself and the rest of the family as well. This is a good place to vent, being a community of Town fans, not just a football message board.

Best wishes.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 08:47 - Oct 17 with 6013 viewssoupytwist

Can't add much to what others have said but no need to apologise for writing that. It does the rest of us no harm to understand what others are dealing with. Sounds like you're doing a great thing by being there for her.
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 08:48 - Oct 17 with 6009 viewsBluebell

Thank you for sharing that with us.

It is difficult to know what to say to someone except I know what you are going through as I went through the same a few years ago.

I hope your mother doesn't have to suffer much longer and she passes away peacefully in her sleep.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 08:54 - Oct 17 with 5989 viewsPJH

Sad to read, certainly no need for you to be apologising for posting.

Thoughts are with you.
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:14 - Oct 17 with 5947 viewsGunnsAirkick

So sorry to hear about this, almost the same thing happened to me half a year ago with my Dad. I know exactly what you're going through and it is so so difficult (I found venting on here helped a lot as odd as it sounds, people on here are good people).

You've just got to be there for your family and all stick together as you'll all need support, it's still hard six months on but we take it a day at a time. I'll drop you a P.M., if you want a chat let me know and all the best to you.
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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:18 - Oct 17 with 5934 viewsPaul_Knows

Very sorry to hear that TIB.

Very best wishes to both yourself and your family.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:29 - Oct 17 with 5895 viewsWeWereZombies

Life must seem like a trial at the moment, all I can say is just keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as it takes, as far as I'm concerned you can vent on here all you like.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:30 - Oct 17 with 5893 viewsPinewoodblue

You are going through a difficult experience but one that will help shape the rest of your life. It looks as if you are doing all the right things....keep it up.


Remember even if you are getting no response that your mum is probably still hearing you so keep talking and hold her hand.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:33 - Oct 17 with 5888 viewsusm

That was a tough read, but well done for posting it - hope it helped in some way.
I went through a very similar thing with my mum when I was 30 - and several years later with mum in law, then father in law.
Stay strong and support each other.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:46 - Oct 17 with 5835 viewsBanksterDebtSlave

Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:30 - Oct 17 by Pinewoodblue

You are going through a difficult experience but one that will help shape the rest of your life. It looks as if you are doing all the right things....keep it up.


Remember even if you are getting no response that your mum is probably still hearing you so keep talking and hold her hand.


Just to add to the keep talking point, one of my regrets is not fully appreciating that hearing is one of the last senses to go and not talking more to my Dad in his final hours.......had some similar moments with staff being too vocal in the room too !
Have pm'd you......good luck.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:51 - Oct 17 with 5861 viewsJoeSoap

Very sorry to hear this TIB, I went through the same sort of thing with both my mother and father, it is a horrible disease.

My wife and her mother have just been through this with my sister-in-law's cancer, she died a moth ago having been in a hospice for ten weeks, she was expected to go within days but refused to depart.

Her mum, who is 86, was praying for her own child to die, in hope of relief but being mixed with a profound guilt with which she struggled to cope.

As many on this forum know I have incurable cancer, and one of my worst fears is to linger when the end comes.
My sister-in-law and I have played a very silly game about who would last the longest, having both been diagnosed around the same time. It didn't go down too well with the rest of the family but whilst we were both still 'relatively' healthy it served as a coping mechanism for us both when one of us was feeling sick or down. The last conversation we had she told me she had 'won' without a trace of the usual humour, I will miss her as both a friend and an emotional crutch.

I have promised my wife that when my time comes I'll try and make it quick and easy, but she and I both know that the reality isn't usually that simple, the human body is an amazing thing and will struggle for life for all it's worth.

Sorry this isn't the reassuring post I was intending, I'll shut up now, there's little any one can say to ease what you are going through. Venting to mostly anonymous people on a football forum is not a bad thing, look at it as a therapeutic tool. (and let's face it there are plenty of tools on here)

Keep strong for the rest of your family but not at the expense of your own grieving, and don't feel guilty for wanting your mum's pain to end.
Joe.

“At first nothing will happen to us, and later on it will happen to us again.”

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:51 - Oct 17 with 5809 viewsGlasgowBlue

Really sorry to hear about your mum mate. I have lost both of my parents to this terrible disease and to see them deteriate in front of your eyes is something that will never go away.

But with time you will remeber her more as the lady who brought you into this world and shared many happy memories with you when she was in full health and less of the lady you see in front of you now.

Your final paragraph is spot on. My old man rarely spoke of his ilness in his final year, or the fact that one day he wouldn't be there, which in turn didn't allow us to have a long goodbye and talk about how much I loved him.

Keep strong mate and best wishes.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:57 - Oct 17 with 5787 viewsfactual_blue

Seeing a loved one dying is never easy, and your mum's suffering sounds unimaginable. I think it's the helplessness you feel in these situations that is the hardest, but being there is best thing you can do.
Don't be hard on your over-enthusiastic relatives - I'm sure they're only trying to help and probably don't really know what is the best way to say things; of course there isn't one.

When the inevitable happens, don't be afraid to seek bereavement counselling. There are skilled professionals out there - the hospice will put you in touch with somebody, I'm sure. They'll be more use to you than us soppy twerps, although they won't beat norwich for you!

All the very best.

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Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 10:01 - Oct 17 with 5761 viewsRyorry

Waiting for the end...(grim read) on 09:51 - Oct 17 by JoeSoap

Very sorry to hear this TIB, I went through the same sort of thing with both my mother and father, it is a horrible disease.

My wife and her mother have just been through this with my sister-in-law's cancer, she died a moth ago having been in a hospice for ten weeks, she was expected to go within days but refused to depart.

Her mum, who is 86, was praying for her own child to die, in hope of relief but being mixed with a profound guilt with which she struggled to cope.

As many on this forum know I have incurable cancer, and one of my worst fears is to linger when the end comes.
My sister-in-law and I have played a very silly game about who would last the longest, having both been diagnosed around the same time. It didn't go down too well with the rest of the family but whilst we were both still 'relatively' healthy it served as a coping mechanism for us both when one of us was feeling sick or down. The last conversation we had she told me she had 'won' without a trace of the usual humour, I will miss her as both a friend and an emotional crutch.

I have promised my wife that when my time comes I'll try and make it quick and easy, but she and I both know that the reality isn't usually that simple, the human body is an amazing thing and will struggle for life for all it's worth.

Sorry this isn't the reassuring post I was intending, I'll shut up now, there's little any one can say to ease what you are going through. Venting to mostly anonymous people on a football forum is not a bad thing, look at it as a therapeutic tool. (and let's face it there are plenty of tools on here)

Keep strong for the rest of your family but not at the expense of your own grieving, and don't feel guilty for wanting your mum's pain to end.
Joe.


Can't find words, but big hug to you Joe, as always.

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