| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) 20:57 - Apr 27 with 1072 views | Warkystache |
Sorry - it's been a while.
I don't have any excuses, except I've been a bit busy and the fare on the field was, well, sh*t. I've been neglecting this a lot this season because of that. Having just switched off the second half of the Sheffield United game, wracked by torment as the blades celebrated on the pitch like it was 1997 again, watching us pass it in little triangles but getting nowhere, oohing in desperation as Judge tried a 30 yarder which their keeper would've saved even if he'd been a thalidomide sufferer, wondering what Lambert sees in Kenlock and Big Trev and Toto the dog, ripping my front room with alarming yells of "For f*ck's sake Kayden, stop looking like a headless chicken and DO something, you waste of a million quid" and wondering why PL doesn't fancy Harrison so much he'd rather play 5-5-0. I'll leave it there. I reckon people on here have thought similar. If you haven't, ask yourself where we're going next season without even a half-decent goalscorer and a defence which doesn't insist on trying just another nice little pass in our own box.
I think the main thing I've learnt from the last few games is that we are f*cked if we're relying on the same tactics in League One. Truly, wetly, slobbily f*cked. Teams there will run at us like we're a Wetherspoons half-price sale in Chantry. Think these can cope with that? You're a more imaginative fan than me. Perhaps you should be writing this instead?
Even Terry, the luckiest, richest bloke I personally know who still manages to find doom in his day is flabbergasted by our demise. This from a man who berates his missus for a 'spending spree' in Fenwick in Colchester (total for two new duvets, a pair of designer jeans and a Jo Malone candle = £290. "Spends it lark waw'ar" he growled to me, as he ordered the King Prawn Madras and the bottle of £35 Gewurtztraminer to wash it down). He won't come to the Leeds game. "Busy" he said, flatly.
He is a recent convert to civilised behaviour. He's stopped drinking lager, following a bout of "guts ache; must 'ave bin a bug, cort it orf me carncil 'ouse reg'lars, probly". He now drinks white wine. By 'White wine', I mean the pricier stuff you see on the top shelves of the wine aisle in Tesco. He likes these. His favourite, currently, is Gewurtztraminer, for which he normally pays £16, but has paid £150 for six bottles in Majestic. True, they were quite nice, in a sort of '70's/early '80's Blue Nun/Black Tower sort of way. Thus he imagines his own sophistication. He does, however, turn his nose up at the standard 'house white' they dispense with bemusement down our local. So he's stopped going there at all, and we now meet for a friendly drink at our respective homes, him bringing a few bottles if that happens to mean mine.
The shop is now minus one member of staff. Kaylee quit after she got a job on the tobacco kiosk in our local Asda. Tel took this news with scorn ("she weren't much good 'ere so gawd knows 'ow she'll cope workin' fer them charlatans. Yer give someone a chance an' they chuck it back in yer face'n leave yer in the lurch"). Still, Mickey remains and now does most weekdays with Tel and Mrs Tel covering weekends and the odd days he doesn't fancy having off or she isn't in Colchester shopping. It seems to work, but I noticed the milk fridge now makes a permanent groaning noise, like an old man forced to watch the 'highlights' of our season whilst simultaneously being masturbated with sandpaper. Tel reckons he's on it. The 'repairs' he's done so far just make the noise a bit clearer.
The Coke fridge now seems to make the drinks a bit nearer room temperature than they were when stacked in the back room in polythene. Tel reckons it's because I've been unlucky and chosen one just as he's sold the last of the cold stock. I deliberately chose one of the worst sellers In there, the cans of Ben Shaw's Dandelion and Burdock, just to test this theory, and lo, they were tepid. I didn't say anything. I just now buy my cold drinks from Tesco's down the road, where they're a) cheaper and b) actually cold.
Mrs Tel's fine. She dropped Tel and me off for my birthday curry on Friday. He paid. We had a riot of starters and wine, and brandies at the end. We had to get a cab home at 2am after we went down the pub and met friends. Tel drank expresso martinis, ("Liven me up a bit arter all them brandies'n'wine). His subsequent hangover yesterday had him wearing his Oakleys in the shop and picking at his bacon bap like a small child. I offered to buy him a coffee and he blenched and winced, and quickly disappeared to the bog. "Dun't do that again" he said as he came back, chastened. The bacon bap disappeared into the bin and he took a bottle of Coke from the fridge. "Lovely that" he smiled after a prolonged sip and a good burp. "Icy cold". He gave me a meaningful stare.
So the entertainment on the pitch has been crap. And we're down, and now have the ignominious (R) against our name, unable even to catch the basket case that is Bolton, who haven't bothered paying their players since Xmas and seem to have sold their souls to a bent Italian in a shiny suit and a suitcase full of lira. From the 2-1 loss against Reading, to the waste of time that was Swansea on a hot Easter Saturday when Isaacs with a cold pint and a packed courtyard seemed preferable to the 90 minutes coming, we've been piss-poor. True, the football's been easier on the eye, but the Evans message to Season Ticket holders that was thrust into my paw as I presented my card at the turnstiles last Saturday was both the words of balm and hypocrisy. I'm sorry he made mistakes as well. But he keeps doing it. That team needs investment. We need hope.
Have a good summer, Might be back, one of these days. You never know.......
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| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) on 21:33 - Apr 27 with 998 views | groovyASH |
Agree with all, except the "football being easier on the eye" part. It really hasn't. Even under MM we had patches of good football.
We've been abysmal. |  |
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| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) on 08:14 - Apr 28 with 864 views | Benters2 |
Great stuff Warky.
Evans ive made mistakes ffs! How long has he been owner now 10 years? After 10 years you would think he would be doing better? We are awful both on the pitch and off it.
He has played a blinder though (or a get out of jail free card) in Paul Lambert who has managed to restore some faith..but in his words its not normal. |  | | |
| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) on 09:05 - Apr 28 with 818 views | m14_blue |
Great read, as always. | | | |
| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) on 10:12 - Apr 28 with 755 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
This....
"I think the main thing I've learnt from the last few games is that we are f*cked if we're relying on the same tactics in League One. Truly, wetly, slobbily f*cked. Teams there will run at us like we're a Wetherspoons half-price sale in Chantry."
Great read as ever. |  |
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| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) on 10:33 - Apr 28 with 731 views | strikalite |
| The Warky Report: 5 defeats and a newsagent......(a) on 10:12 - Apr 28 by BanksterDebtSlave |
This....
"I think the main thing I've learnt from the last few games is that we are f*cked if we're relying on the same tactics in League One. Truly, wetly, slobbily f*cked. Teams there will run at us like we're a Wetherspoons half-price sale in Chantry."
Great read as ever. |
...and this...
" but I noticed the milk fridge now makes a permanent groaning noise, like an old man forced to watch the 'highlights' of our season whilst simultaneously being masturbated with sandpaper."
Superb!! |  | | |
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