| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) 09:02 - Mar 30 with 938 views | Warkystache |
The Manningtree and Lawford area is well acquainted with net-twitchers. This used to be the domain of a quick bit of witch burning on spare greens in the 17th century; it didn't pay to be unpopular with your neighbours in those days. More so if you were a woman on her own with facial disfigurements and a penchant for black cats. Had this coronavirus happened three hundred and sixty-odd years ago, I don't doubt that someone round my way would have grassed up the lady at number 15 by now. They'd probably have even lobbed a few bits of kindling towards the bonfire.
The one great beauty of the virus is that it spares me from nosey neighbours. I don't doubt I've been just as much the subject of previous fevered speculation. For instance, when my ex-wife left, a neighbour told me they'd heard she'd thought I was secretly gay. God knows what they make of Tel's Saturday night visits. The nets twitch when he parks his van on my drive. 'And he's only there for about an hour, Gerald, and that's plenty of time for them to enjoy a bit of the other'.
Tel, oblivious to all these undertones, did indeed park his van and exited it dressed like an early '90's rave participant, his white boiler suit and face mask reminiscent of the time I attended a Halloween fancy dress party as one of the droogs from 'A Clockwork Orange'. He just needed the bowler hat and the mascara'd eyelash. And the cricket box tied round his nethers.
We meet at mine as I'm no longer allowed round his for a takeaway or, indeed, much else. Mrs Tel is taking the isolation bit seriously. "Not that she's accusin', like, she jus' don't wanna take the risk. Even our neighbours aint allowed in the 'ouse". He is my remaining social link to the outside world, if you don't count the checkouts and tobacco counter in Tesco's, and the servers in there don't bother with chat these days. They're more concerned with the two metre distancing. I do shopping for Mrs Leggate at number 15 as well; she's eighty-three and can't drive and is banned from catching the bus with her trolley-on-wheels. Her daughter, Carole, lives in Reading so I've become a sort of surrogate grandson. I have a cuppa with her when I come back, which isn't strictly part of Boris' rules, but is nice nonetheless. She likes little choccy treats, so I always treat her to a few even when she doesn't ask for them on her list.
"Bleedin' job's geddin' me darn now" said Tel as he accepted the bottle of beer and the Indian snacks I'd just heated in the oven. This is our Friday night takeaway. The Indian closed last week. Our local chinese still hangs on grimly for takeaway only. "Everywhere's gone mental. I'm deliverin' enuff bog rolls and disinfectant to clean the bogs between 'ere and Norfuk". He sniffed and took a swig from the bottle. "Ah'm still determinned ter retire in 2021, leave orl this be'ind. Which reminds me..." He reached into the Head sports bag he'd brought with him and took out four glossy brochures for holidays in the USA. "Bit'o'light readin' for ya" he said with a grin.
Mrs Tel has had to cancel her regular hair appointment at home. "'Er roots'er cummin' froo like Leylandi's. She says she don't need it fer anuvver few weeks, jus' 'er an' me at 'ome, still I reckon she'll be 'opin' this fing'll be past by Eastah. Fat bleedin' chance".
We discussed Paula, who Tel has spoken to last week. "She's workin' all 'ours. I keep 'opin' I'll get a delivery to 'er store. But she's fine. Not pregnant yet" he added quickly. "They probly aint 'ad the time. Blake's workin' fer 'is bruvver's firm". He took another swig and a chicken pakora. "Reckon 'e mus' be coinin' it in; 'is bruvver owns a Porsche". Then, suddenly "'Ere! I din't tell yer. Callum's leavin' us. Got a girlfriend, 'e 'as! She's gottim a job in Waitrose in Colchester where she works. Ah've met 'er an all. She came ter pick 'im up after a shift. She's eigh'een, Becky 'er name is". He lowered his voice, lavisciously and cupped his hands expansively at his midriff. "Nice woods" he winked. "Bleedin' acne though. Face lark a crib board. No pers'nality. Ah made a few ligh'earted comments, little funnies wiv 'er. Not even a titter. Miserable cow". I asked him if these witticisms included jokes about spots. "Nah". Then he thought for a moment "Well, not all of 'em".
He drank up and ate the last samosa. I offered him a brandy but he looked as though I'd offered a quick BJ upstairs. "Still gotter drive 'ome yer knar? Can't leave the van on yer drive an' I aint payin' their prices fer a cab 'ome". He gathered his stuff together, remembering the face mask, which he'd hung neatly on my bannister rail, so it looked like it too was taking self-isolation seriously. "Ah'll probly be back nex' week, see yer then. I'll tex' yer. I'm workin' six til four nex' week, not all drivin', we're 'avin' a stock take nex' Wensdy". He re-masked casually so it hung round his neck like a big bow tie. "Keep safe" he said, unnecessarily. Then he exited Planet Dust. Although, I must admit, self-isolation means I get a load more housework done these days.
The nets twitched as he left. Had I have thought, I'd've told him to walk a bit gingerly back to the van, perhaps holding his arse with an expression of suffering on his face. That'd have given them something to talk about. |  |
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| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) on 09:58 - Mar 30 with 870 views | Guthrum |
Tho we didn't actually burn witches in Suffolk (or the rest of England, really). Matthew Hopkins' victims were all hanged.
Even in Europe it was primarily the penalty for religious heresy, rather than witchcraft. |  |
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| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) on 10:04 - Mar 30 with 860 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) on 09:58 - Mar 30 by Guthrum |
Tho we didn't actually burn witches in Suffolk (or the rest of England, really). Matthew Hopkins' victims were all hanged.
Even in Europe it was primarily the penalty for religious heresy, rather than witchcraft. |
I knew I should've bothered doing research. Oh well. The sentiments are the same, burnt, drowned or hung,drawn'n'quartered! | |
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| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) on 10:44 - Mar 30 with 825 views | Westover |
Brilliant as always, keep them coming please.ðŸ‘😂 |  | | |
| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) on 09:19 - Apr 5 with 613 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| The Warky League One Report: Club Tropicana drinks are free (H) on 10:04 - Mar 30 by Warkystache |
I knew I should've bothered doing research. Oh well. The sentiments are the same, burnt, drowned or hung,drawn'n'quartered! |
First ever down vote to Guthers!
Artistic license innit. |  |
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