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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) 11:59 - Apr 28 with 825 viewsWarkystache

This report is dedicated to Mrs Bankster. Hope you're well. Best wishes.

First of all, apologies. This report was meant to have been posted yesterday but I ended up having a mini-crisis working from home and I'm currently waiting for my IT support team from work (based in Sheffield) to ring me to sort it out. In the event, I'm expecting the call some time next month.

So, back to Sunday. Terry arrived at 6.40pm, sat in his car and honked the horn twice to let me know he was outside. A few curtains twitched as I exited my house. One of my neighbours was out washing his car, and called a hearty greeting from the depths of his back seat well (he drives a Jeep Cherokee and his back seats are deeper than the Pacific). He emerged holding one of those portable vacuum cleaners and wearing lemon-yellow Marigolds. "Ah woul'nt wanna be seen in public wearing them" muttered Tel as I deposited a bottle of champers and a cheesecake on his back seat. "He mus' be usin' that car a lot to need to clean it as much as that". He sniffed and reversed hurriedly in my driveway. I prayed for the little bunch of drooping bluebells that sprang up unannounced in the border near my driveway and reasoned with my conscience that they were on the way out anyway.

The fifteen minute drive was punctuated by Tel alternately remarking with distaste on the number of people 'exercising' at this time of day (we passed a good fifty-odd, walking or cycling) and telling me about Ray, his colleague, going to Tring to see his mum this weekend. "Course, 'e aint married now, divorced 'er in 2010, din't say why. 'Is dorter lives in Richmond, married a chartered surveyor, so she's doin' alright. 'E don't see 'er at all. Fink 'is ex poisoned 'er against 'im. Bein' ex-army an' all that 'e can look after 'imself. No girlfriends or bits on the side that 'e tells me of. Funny bloke, ole Ray. Keeps 'imself to 'imself, sorta".

We arrived at Chez Tel. The blinds were drawn on the bay windows of the bungalow and the porch was lit in a soft yellow light. Tel parked behind his work van ("'Ave to move it for Thursdy, but we'll probably go shoppin' before then") and opened his front door to let me in. Mrs Tel was sat in their living room, wearing a plain black t-shirt and blue Levi's. Her Pandora bracelet rattled somewhere near my ear as we embraced. "'Appy Birfday love" she said.

Tel fetched me a beer and her a glass of something cloudy that resembled old-fashioned lemonade. "Vodka an' cloudy lemonade' she said, smiling, seeing me eyeing it with curiosity. "I used ter drink Vodka an' Sprite but this is nicer". We sat in her armchairs. They'd moved them around since I was last in the house. I commented on this and Mrs Tel said "We 'ad a bit'o' a change rarnd, just ter freshen fings up". We then talked lockdown; Mrs Tel adamant she was observing the Government's guidelines strictly. "Yer jus' dunno when this'll all blow over, do yer?".

Tel came back in, now wearing his cook's apron. I was disappointed it wasn't his 'Naked Playboy woman' one he'd worn previously. "Dunno where it went" he said, a bit sheepishly. He sat and sipped his beer from the bottle. San Miguel. "I've got some Asarhee" he said. "Found it in Tesco in Clacton last week, bought free packs of four. They wouldn't let me 'ave any more than that". The smells of cooking meat rose temptingly from the kitchen. "Steaks're on" said Tel, unnecessarily. "Ah've done steak, chips, salad, a few mushies, a few tomarters, a pepper sauce and a Bernaze one 'cos I know you're partial".

Mrs Tel and I retreated to their patio for a fag. I lit hers and she inhaled and exhaled the smoke luxuriously, like a velvet traction engine. Two new free-standing patio heaters sat near the table and chairs and she switched one on to show me how much heat it emitted. "Tel gottem from one of his jobs, trade price. Nice innit? We sit out 'ere a lot 'avin' a drink late an' it can be chilly at this time'o'year". I felt the skin on my neck begin to crackle and she switched it off.

We talked about Paula when Tel joined us from the kitchen window, his pots and pans steaming away happily. He stuck his head out to participate, having seen with a grimace of good-natured distaste the fags we were puffing on. ""Ad a text off 'er last week, she's still workin' in Loughton as Assistant Manager but she's managin' the store 'cos 'er manager's got asthma, so she's on that fur-low fing they keep on about". Mrs Tel joined in. "Ah spoke to 'er on the phone about a fortnight ago; ah was askin' if 'er mum needed anyfing 'cos she's lost one of 'er carers. She said she'd ask 'er for me and let me know, us bein' nearer to 'er an' that. I've not 'eard back from 'er since". Tel added that he'd also spoken to Blake. "You gotter admire that boy" he said. "Yer know 'e's workin' wiv 'is bruvver, doin' plumbin' work? Well, they did emergency jobs fer some local care 'ome free of charge. Yer don' see that bein' reported in the papers. Mind you.." he added, "they're makin' a killin' doing call outs. Blake reckoned 'e was earnin' over a grand a week". The thought of his cold snake eyes replaced by pound signs flashed into my head. Luckily, it went as quickly as it came.

We sat down to eat, Tel replenishing my beer and then opening the champers I'd bought and chilled. "Ooh shampoo!" said Mrs Tel. Her hair looked good. I wondered if Sadie was still coming over. Mine looked like I was purposefully growing it, but I've never suited longer hair and it was as shapeless as a fat man's sweater. "I bought clippers online las' year" said Tel, when I mentioned it. The missus does mine on a number free when ah need it". I asked him if he thought clippers would suit mine. "Nah" he said with a critical look. ""Edge trimmers".

We ate the food. The steaks were good, but not quite as good as the ones he got from Swiss Farm in ipswich. Fillet steaks, they were cooked rare and sliced like butter but didn't have much flavour. I was glad of the béarnaise sauce.

We finished the champers and Tel reached for the brandy bottle. "Treated meself to a Napoleon XS, cost me eighty quid but it's been a god-send these last few weeks". He took the plates through to the kitchen. No-one fancied the cheesecake so I left it with them. He's probably enjoying that on his patio, under his heaters, at ten at night. The neat brandies warmed the space recently vacated by the food. Mrs Tel had a Tia Maria. "We've 'ad that bottle about free years" warned Tel to her before he poured it.

He poured me another large brandy and then opened his kitchen cupboard, just as I was heading for their patio, to reveal another bottle sat there. He smiled quietly. "Not in any rush, are yer?" he asked, grinning.

The patio heaters were a welcome source of more robust heat as we sat outside at eleven. The copious brandies mellowed me and the chat was the inconsequential, libellous sort about locals, friends and family that all nearly-pissed folk indulge in when relaxed and refreshed. "Bleedin' Tone applied fer them Government payments for 'is staff" said Tel, indignantly, when Mrs Tel was out of earshot having gone to the loo. "Twenty staff an' 'e's making five 'undred grand a year profit AN' 'e's still workin' 'imself and doin' cash jobs on the side. Bleedin' liberty, yoosin' my taxes to prop his company up. 'E's takin' the mick as usual. Wants ter come wiv us to the US next year" he added as an afterthought. "Ah told 'im not to bovver. Mind you" encouragingly, "'e'll 'ave a fair amount of folding by then. Might treat us to a few decent dinners?"

I had one last brandy from the new bottle, a large one, and nursed it in chilly hands (it became a bit chillier at midnight and Tel turned the heaters up a notch. Suddenly, it was balmy once again). Mrs Tel went in to load the dishwasher. I offered to help but she waved it away with a smile. "Can't wait to leave in July now" said Tel. He swilled his brandy around his mouth, lost in thought. "The job's a pain in the proverbial to be 'onest. They need someone 'oo's prepared to drive miles an' that aint me. I've turned down the opportoonity ter go to Stoke-on-trent, Manchester, Leeds and Chester in the last two weeks. Furvest ah've been is St Neot's. And 'Unstanton" he added as an afterthought. "Jus' don't need all that".

I left at one in the morning, making the 3 mile walk back home via dangerous country roads with that familiar lightness of step of the inebriated. Tel gave me a birthday present as I left; a brand new gun-metal hip flask filled to the brim with Glenlivet. "Don' go doin' the lot on the way back" he smiled. "Don' wanna 'ear about them findin' your tired old corpse in a ditch somewhere near Bradfield". We hugged and I hugged Mrs Tel, who, unaware of Tel's present, wished me a safe journey home. "We'll meet again" she said, "soon enough". Tel, drunk, launched into the Dame Vera wartime ditty as I left.

I could still hear him singing it as I rounded the dark corner at the end of his road. It might have been the whisky, though.

Poll: If we were guaranteed promotion next season, how would you celebrate?
Blog: [Blog] It's Time the Club Pushed On

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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 12:08 - Apr 28 with 795 viewsEdwardStone

Delightful, as ever

"Velvet traction engine...."
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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 12:22 - Apr 28 with 772 viewsWarkystache

The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 12:08 - Apr 28 by EdwardStone

Delightful, as ever

"Velvet traction engine...."


I'll dedicate the next one to you, Stoney!

Many thanks for the kind compliments, much appreciated.

Poll: If we were guaranteed promotion next season, how would you celebrate?
Blog: [Blog] It's Time the Club Pushed On

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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 17:25 - Apr 28 with 688 viewsWestover

Nice to have these to look forward to 👍🍻
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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 19:21 - Apr 28 with 648 viewswitchdoctor

excellent as per mate....👍
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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 20:02 - Apr 28 with 636 viewsAce_High1

Highlight of my day :)
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The Warky League One Report: Happy Birthday Part 2 (H) on 21:12 - Apr 28 with 606 viewsBanksterDebtSlave

The misses sez " she's onored, fank'u" x
The shapeless jumper made her laugh. Great stuff as ever.

"They break our legs and tell us to be grateful when they offer us crutches."
Poll: If the choice is Moore or no more.

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