| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) 15:51 - May 23 with 1139 views | Warkystache |
Tel's had his hair cut by his missus. He looks like Max Wall. "She missed 'ole bleedin' strips darn the back" he moaned when I'd stopped laughing. "Them clipper'sall be the first fing we take back when Next reopens. Bleedin' useless. She swore she'd done the back as a number two'n'all". To be fair to her, she had. I've never seen a more sh*t haircut attempt. Even my mum with the pudding bowl when I was a kid, at least you could tell an attempt had been made to cut the hair, even if the style left something to the imagination.
He screwed his baseball cap on again glumly and made another facetious remark about "least ah tried. Yours makes yer look like an extra on the Sweeney. I mean, blimey, woss wiv the bouffant fing? Yer growing an afro?".
Welcome back once again. It's been a few weeks since the last time, but you haven't missed much. We had a curry last night, Tel's treat after he missed the bank holiday Friday before to take Mrs Tel for a bag of chips on Harwich seafront. "Celebratin' VE day we woz" he said. No, I corrected him, the 75th anniversary. The actual thing happened in 1945. "Yer don't change much, do yer" he said, critically.
Most of the food shops have reopened round here. True, social distancing means you wait in the street a bit more, but it's good to have the choice again and see things gradually returning to some sort of normality. "Iss all up Norf now" said Tel, perhaps a little rashly. Tel treats the 'Norf' much like he treats the rest of the world that isn't Spain, namely with healthy antagonism and scepticism and all the other 'ism's' in between, including jingo. "I bet they weren't enjoying chips by the seafront in Blackpool' he said, with satisfaction. "Bleedin' 'ole that is. Went wiv the Barkin' social club in 1978 for a laugh. Poxy place. Worse than Clacton, 'n' thass sayin' summink. All these fat norverners eatin' ninety-nines and wiv 'ankies knotted on their 'eads". He shuddered and sipped more beer.
Work has been the main interest during these bleak times, that and drinking. Working from home on a laptop loses it's appeal after two months. I never know how to treat it. I generally log in at ten am and then get bored and find other things to do, so that by twelve, I've done nothing much. So it's same as, basically. Tel has stopped working weekends and public holidays. The clamour for his services waned a few weeks ago, and now he mainly does deliveries of medical equipment to pharmacies and the odd garden furniture items. He's counting down the days. "One munf an' five days left" he said on arrival at my place last night.
I've started making cocktails. Beer was bloating me too much and I've gone off white wine, so I bought Tequila, Cointreau, loads of limes, Vodka, Orange and Cranberry juices. My Margaritas are a joy but my Sea Breeze tastes like something you'd clean the toilet with, so I've kept to vodka'n'orange and chucked the cranberry juice. It was nice, last Wednesday, sat in my garden in a deckchair with a margarita next to me and my skin prickling in the heat. Until I went to take a drink and found a wasp in it.
Friday came all too languorously, the heat dissipating into winds, the beeps from my work laptop reminding me of non-existent meetings and deadlines. The birds bathed in the two stone baths I found in my shed (another job done. Tubes of polyfilla my dad used in the 1980's with their price stickers still on, a rusting bike, a load of cobwebs). Tel arrived at six thirty bearing three brown paper carriers filled with tin trays and paper bags. "I woz their first punter" he said proudly. For our local indian, you ring them to order at five and then arrange a time to collect and sit in your car while one of them, masked, comes out to ascertain who you are. Tel even got a paper cup of Kingfisher while he waited. You pay by card on their card payer thing.
I got the plates and the cutlery and the napkins and the beer. We've moved on to Estrella by the way. Less fizzy than the Asahi. We ladled equal portions of butterfly prawn and sauces and poppadoms onto our plates and kept the mains in their cartons for later. Tel spent fifty quid so we had enough food for four. I've just had cold chicken vindaloo with mango chutney and a cold peshwari naan for lunch. Jolly nice it was too.
We talked about the virus and the lockdown and the loosening of it and the stupidity of people and the German football bets we did disastrously on last week. Tel told me about Paula's mum ("er carer quit, so the wife'n'I 'ave been nipping' rand there to 'elp 'er wiv shoppin' an' that. Shame for 'er. She used to be a very attractive woman back in the day. Trouble was, she 'ad this problem wiv 'er legs". Was that the start of her MS? I asked. "Nah" said Tel through a spoonful of king prawn madras. "keeping' em closed").
He's convinced Tony won't be joining us on our US trip next year. "Poor ole Tone. Still workin' an' doin' good business, but Sandy wants 'im to take 'em ter Jamaica next year, kind of a treat for mah niece before she goes ter Uni". He thought for a moment. "Won't be buyin' us dinners there after all. Still, no biggie".
I asked about Paula and Blake and Tel, after a brief pause to work out how my bottle opener works again for about the thousandth time, said "Fine. She's been asked ter work in Stratford in a few weeks, management persition. 'E's still workin' wiv 'is bruvver, makin' a fortune, works all the 'ours God sends that lad". He eyed the last poppadom with candour and reached for it while I was finishing my keema naan. He pushed his plate away with a Bisto 'aah' and belched lightly.
He's got a theory on German Football bets. "Waste'o'time" he said, vehemently. "We'd be better waitin' til they get goin' again in this country. Least we know a bit about that". Fortuna let me down, with their 0-0 draw. Tel blamed me, naturally. He always does. Me and/or circumstance.
He left at 10pm, refusing the offer of a brandy for the road. "Nah, cheers anyway, get 'ome, get moaned at by the missus for summink, probly involvin' interruptin' 'er programme on the telly, 'ave a few of me own brandies in me chair, like some CEO or summink, then its bed. Probly get nuffink in there'n'all, knowin' the wife. Probly 'er 'eadache night again, or she's bloated from 'er Weightwotchers dinner. Or she'll moan about me smellin' like an Indian restaurant bogs, or summink like that. It's 'ard bein' wiv 'er in this lockdown fing. No escape. No little trips ter the boozer usin' you as the excuse. No way she's settin' foot outside 'erself, not unless she needs summink from Tescos an' I'm workin'". He gave me a little, tight smile and jumped in the van, narrowly missing my gatepost as he exited the drive.
And that was it. Another week closer to June and another one ticked in a five-bar gate off these walls. I'm having a walk tomorrow. A fifteen miler through Constable Country, rucksack with my sarnies and water, hip flask with my whisky. Hope it doesn't rain. |  |
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| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 17:42 - May 23 with 1025 views | witchdoctor |
‘ Trouble was, she 'ad this problem wiv 'er legs". Was that the start of her MS? I asked. "Nah" said Tel through a spoonful of king prawn madras. "keeping' em closed").’
😂😂😂😂😂😂 |  | | |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 20:33 - May 23 with 942 views | Westover |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 17:42 - May 23 by witchdoctor |
‘ Trouble was, she 'ad this problem wiv 'er legs". Was that the start of her MS? I asked. "Nah" said Tel through a spoonful of king prawn madras. "keeping' em closed").’
😂😂😂😂😂😂 |
Wonderful You should be an author your not are you? |  | | |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:17 - May 23 with 905 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 20:33 - May 23 by Westover |
Wonderful You should be an author your not are you? |
No. Do you think? | |
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| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:33 - May 23 with 892 views | NewcyBlue |
I love your posts mate.
I must say I feel sad for Paula’s mum. Probably feels a bit closer because my mum had MS for over 20 years. I hope Paula’s mum is coping. |  |
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| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:41 - May 23 with 885 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:33 - May 23 by NewcyBlue |
I love your posts mate.
I must say I feel sad for Paula’s mum. Probably feels a bit closer because my mum had MS for over 20 years. I hope Paula’s mum is coping. |
Yeah, thanks Newcy. She's had MS for 15 years, ironically it started in her hands when she lit a ciggie! I've met her about three times and in each she's been in a wheelchair, but you can see the person she was when she was younger. She always reminds me of an older Paloma Faith, same look.
I never set out to detract from the cruel illness that is MS. I think it's admirable that people can live relatively 'normal' lives despite the diagnosis and the obvious discomfort it brings. I hope your mum lived her life as fully as was possible. I think that's they key to overcoming any illness. | |
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| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:53 - May 23 with 872 views | Westover |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:17 - May 23 by Warkystache |
No. Do you think? |
Yes without doubt. | | | |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:54 - May 23 with 867 views | NewcyBlue |
| The Warky L1 Report: You'd better watch out if you've got long brown hair (H) on 22:41 - May 23 by Warkystache |
Yeah, thanks Newcy. She's had MS for 15 years, ironically it started in her hands when she lit a ciggie! I've met her about three times and in each she's been in a wheelchair, but you can see the person she was when she was younger. She always reminds me of an older Paloma Faith, same look.
I never set out to detract from the cruel illness that is MS. I think it's admirable that people can live relatively 'normal' lives despite the diagnosis and the obvious discomfort it brings. I hope your mum lived her life as fully as was possible. I think that's they key to overcoming any illness. |
You don’t detract from it.
I have no idea who Paloma Faith is, but will google them.
You’re right about the key to overcoming illness is living your life as fully as possible. That’s probably a good mantra to live by in general. | |
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