| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) 15:00 - May 31 with 1197 views | Warkystache |
I'm not sure what possessed me to repaint the kitchen, but it wasn't boredom.
Back when the DIY stores were open, I bought a few tins of paint. I eschewed the poncy Farrow and Ball stuff with its evocative names (Willow in a muddy stream, Golden Retriever, Weasel's foreskin) and went straight for the no-nonsense Dulux stuff. Only it was a bit nonsense. "Wood Pidgeon" is their subtle blend of grey with a bit of blue in it. "English Rose" is a sort of reddish-pink. Looks more like undercooked liver.
So I've done the primer and repainted two walls and left a trail of ghostly grey footprints over the kitchen floor, and sworn a lot, loudly, and everywhere smells like one of those Russian factories that they film dead fish in at the nearest stream. In fact, it brought such tears to the eyes, even with the windows wide, that I told Tel we'd have a barbecue on my patio last night, rather than our weekly curry.
He turned up at seven, dropped by Mrs Tel, who curiously vanished before I could open the front door, like something out of Cannonball Run. Tel clutched a Tesco bag full of cold beer and a bottle of red. "Barbie's good" he said. "Ah've 'ad the ole Richards after all them curries. Wife moaned abart the stench, so ah've 'ad ter buy that Feb Breeze stuff for our en-suite. She's 'avin' 'er showers darn stairs now".
I showed him the steaks (Sirloin from Tesco) and the burgers (my own mix, ground on my food processor and with herbs added) and made sure the barbecue I lit at five hadn't since gone out. He was doing the cooking. It went unsaid. He always does the cooking on a barbecue.
We discussed his impending unemployment as we prepared the food. "It aint unemployment fer a start" said Tel, indignantly. "Iss retirement. Ah've never bin unemployed in me life. Worked since I was a nipper, 'elpin' the old man in 'is shop an' then, when I was 'itched, wiv the wife in our own place". He bridled at the memory. "That was proppah work, that. Aint never bin one o' these 'oo do nuffink an' expect every ovver poor bleeder to pay for 'em. Used ter see 'em in the shop regular. Tryin' to get credit for their giros, nickin' chocolate". His colour rose dangerously. "The ole welfare state keepin' 'em in twenty bensons and a pack of crispy pancakes. Nah, aint me".
He developed this theme as I went in to fetch the salad stuff. "Yer darn't remember the free day week do yer? Loads of 'em, all hangin' rarnd,long hair an' dungarees, lookin' to half-inch yer stock, rubbish pilin' up like skyscrapers. I know she weren't popular, like, but thass why I admired Mrs Fatcher. She told yer ter geddout there an' graft, save up an' buy yer own 'ouse an' yer business. I grafted like a murderer on a year's 'ard labour. Eighty 'our weeks in the shop, me back frobbin' from all the lifting' an' carryin'...yer don't know yer born. My problem was I din't take educashun serious. Not lark you, wiv yer management job an' yer guaranteed wage an' yer suits an' that". Here he smiled. "Don't blame yer of course. If I'd been inclined to bovver at school, I'd be wiv yer".
I asked after Paula's mum as he cooked, my Playboy apron on to cover his YSL shirt. "Got a noo carer" he said, disparagingly. "Bird called Julie, looks like Rosa Klebb, probly even got the poisoned spikes in 'er Doc Martens". He enlarged on his dislike of Julie. "Iss not that I don't trust 'er, iss jus' that she's a typical bleedin' do-gooder. The sort that finks jus' 'cos she's got a carers qualification and a Guardian subscription, she can talk darn to the likes'o'me. Yer should've seen 'er the ovver day. I bought some shoppin' over an' Paula's mum gave me firty quid, even though it cost abart twenny-six. I didn't 'ave any change on me so we agreed I'd pay 'er next time. An' this Julie fing, she shoots me the ole evils, like I'm connin' the poor woman out of money. Stupid bint. Probly 'ates all blokes. That type, yer knar?" What type, I said innocently. "Rug Muncher" said Tel.
We ate at my patio table. Tel moaned about the steaks ("More gristle than meat. That's Tesco's for ya. Probably carved from a stray dog they found 'angin' rand their bins") and was less than complimentary about the burgers ("Ah bet McDonalds'll be wettin' 'emselves when they finally open again) but he ate it all the same. I proffered my barbie dessert, fresh pineapple skewers flamed over the coals with dark rum and demerara sugar, served with my home-made coconut and Malibu ice cream. "So that's a fing, is it?" said Tel dispassionately, "Burnt fruit?" He tasted the ice-cream. "Blimey" he coughed. "Who'd've thought of emptyin' a bottle of Malibu over their soft scoop?".
The light slowly faded and the shadows lengthened. We turned to the brandy. "Takes the taste o' the food away" said Tel, smiling. He told me about Tony and Sandy and their plans for renewing their wedding vows once the virus had died down. "Funny fing abart all this" said Tel, reflectively. "It aint actually bin all that bad". He did his 'What-have-the-romans-ever-done-for-us' bit. "So, granted, yer carn't go darn the boozer, there's no footy, most o' the shops'er shut, I've 'ad ter rely on the wife cutting' me 'air, which was like asking Stephen 'Awkin' ter 'ave a bash, yet fings 'ave been nice and relaxed an' we can enjoy one anuvvers company. Thass what counts".
Mrs Tel arrived at eleven. She honked her horn in the drive and Tel lurched up, ready to go. "Come rand fer fish'n'chips next Fridy" he said. "Only don't drive 'cos it'll be a boozy one. Get a cab n'all. Don't do that walking palaver. You'll probly end up sleepin' in some ditch on the way 'ome". With that, and a cheery wave to Mrs Tel, who waved and smiled back, he was gone.
The kitchen walls need another coat. I noticed it as I came in last night. Oh well. It's not like I don't have the time. |  |
| |  |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 15:04 - May 31 with 1165 views | Ftnfwest |
If there really was a ‘weasels foreskin’ I bet you’d have done it with that just to see what it would look like! |  | | |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 15:07 - May 31 with 1164 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 15:04 - May 31 by Ftnfwest |
If there really was a ‘weasels foreskin’ I bet you’d have done it with that just to see what it would look like! |
Yeah. I liked F&B's name for off-white, though. "Constable clouds". Nearly did that, only it'll show stains. | |
| |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 16:36 - May 31 with 1074 views | factual_blue |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 15:07 - May 31 by Warkystache |
Yeah. I liked F&B's name for off-white, though. "Constable clouds". Nearly did that, only it'll show stains. |
Love the Caravan reference. |  |
| |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 17:05 - May 31 with 1047 views | ronnyd |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 16:36 - May 31 by factual_blue |
Love the Caravan reference. |
Soon be "Nine Feet Underground". Great band.  |  | | |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 18:26 - May 31 with 1004 views | Ace_High1 |
Tel on thé BBQ, brilliant. Shame he was not enjoying the food?
The steaks not as good as his? |  | | |
| The Warky L1 Report: In the Land of Grey and Pink (H) on 06:35 - Jun 2 with 782 views | Westover |
Only just over 400 views, come on people it's a great read as always. | | | |
| |
By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions.
