| The Warky League One Report: Crewe Alexandra (H) 21:09 - Nov 1 with 677 views | Warkystache |
My boiler's broken down. It happened on Friday evening. Went to turn on the hot tap and got a series of clunks and crunches you normally only ever hear when Steve Evans goes to return a ball kicked out of play.
Thinking I could (probably) sort it out myself, I lifted the hatch armed with my trusty minature Phillips screwdriver and a hammer, just in case something needed hitting, hard. The lights flashed like the spaceship landing in 'Close Encounters' then a red one flashed and everything switched off with a series of sharp clunks. The digital panel didn't need to say 'That's all folks'. Nothing would turn on again.
I rang the boiler repair man on Saturday morning, who is coming on Monday. Then, just for the hell of it, I rang Tel. I regretted it a bit when he s said "Ah know summink abart boilers, I'll nip rand later an' 'ave a look fer ya". I reminded him I'd meant boilers that heat water rather than the sort I thought he meant. He laughed. "Thass a good'un that. Nah ser'ously, one of me old customers was a boiler engineer, like. Gottim to tell us a few tips. Saved me parnds in lolly 'e 'as over the years". He rang off chirpily, to take a quick shower. Bastard, I thought. Can't have one of those til it's fixed.
He arrived at 11am on Saturday, just as I was boiling the kettle for washing-up water. "Nice one, quick cuppa before we start" he said. Then he asked if I had any biscuits. We sat at my kitchen table drinking tea and discussing the boiler in words that lacked any real technicality. I described the noise it made to him and he nodded knowingly and said "Did it make a sound like a wet fart?". I said no, not that I could remember. He nodded again, slightly less assuredly.
It took him five minutes of struggle to get the drop down cover to open. I didn't realise that was what he was doing, until I heard him gasp and call it a 'Cowson'. I came in and found the two flaps and pulled it open. "Oh" he said. "One'o'them is it?".
He sucked his teeth at the display. "Bleedin' complex innit?" he muttered. Then he pushed a few buttons, randomly. A green light came on. "Goddit!" he said triumphantly. It quickly turned red. "Thass fine" he reassured me when he saw my face. He twiddled with the two dials and something clunked inside the boiler. "Thass the pilot light" he said. He turned the hot tap on in the kitchen sink. We could've filled the Hoover Dam by the time he turned it off again. "Still cold innit?" he said, decisively. I nodded.
He gave up when he thought he'd got the pilot light on again and it became obvious he hadn't. I boiled the kettle to wash the cups up and he said "Yeah, could go anuvver cup acshully, read me mind". We sat in various stages of despair at the kitchen table, me thinking of my credit card balance I'd recently got back to £0 and how I'd need it now, Tel defeated and stymied by something he'd never really had much idea about anyway. The hot tap dripped its cold contents as a sort of depressing interlude to our thoughts. Then Tel drank the remnants of his tea and said he'd see me later that night for a curry. I roused myself and nodded and said 'thanks for trying anyway' though it was a bit false-sounding.
I fancied a drink when he'd gone. So I retired to the lounge and poured a large, neat brandy and got some ice and put a bit of soda water in it. I sat back in the kitchen, sipping the drink, feeling it warm my stomach. Then the boiler growled and made a 'whumph' sound and I had hot water again. I went and had a shower while it lasted. I'd NEARLY got all the shampoo out of my hair when the water went cold again. Still, cold showers never did James Bond any harm. Or randy men.
I watched the game at 3pm on my laptop. It was terrible. I switched off at half-time, too dispirited to be bothered with a poorly-performing Town today. The birds wanted feeding and the rain started just as I got outside to feed them, the sharp patter providing the second cold shower of the day.
I came back soaked and sat at my laptop table in the lounge. I switched the game on again. No better. Hoofball, and a lot of misplaced passes. I left it running while I watched the birds eat. My goldfinches never turned up. The blackbirds did, so did the robins and the starlings. And a wood pigeon, sat underneath the table, waddling like Steve Evans on the touchline.
The game hadn't changed. Then it did. A deep cross into the Crewe box, what looked like a cluster of players jumping for it, a goal. Chambers wheeled away delighted. Then Hawkins got mobbed. Alan Judge only just reached his waist.
Crewe should've equalised but missed. And then we'd won at home again. I supposed it was the wins that counted, rather than the performances. No, sorry, I hoped.
I reached the Indian restaurant at seven as arranged. I had a quick cigarette outside. Tel turned up driven by Mrs Tel as I was flicking the ash off the last inch. I went over to say hello. "Hows'yer boiler love?" asked Mrs Tel. "I noo you was in trouble when you rang 'im (here she indicated Tel in the passenger seat with a flick of her chestnut curls). Yeah, ah fought 'wass 'e know abart fixin' boilers?'. He cun't fix ours that time,'ad to call a mate of 'is from the shop, 'n'e was next to bleeding' useless". She said this smiling, like the Joker having a quick laugh with Batman before knifing him one. I smiled and said Tel had tried. "All he's good for, love" she grinned. Then she kissed him goodbye and he got out. We waved her off. Tel said "Fank gawd for that" and we went in.
The indian was quite full of socially distanced tables and people strapping on face masks to go to the loo or nip out for a fag before the chicken tikka arrived. We sat in a corner at a table for four. It had 'Reserved' on it. We had booked but they've never done this before. Tel asked the waiter about it and he said, a bit surprised, that we'd booked, hadn't we? Tel started saying "yeah, but....." and he went off to the bar, returning with the bookings folder. He pointed out Tel's name and contact number with a '+ one' next to it. He did this in the manner of someone telling a small child that the table with their name next to it was...their table. Tel snickered and ordered a round of drinks. As the waiter moved off to fetch them, he muttered 'smartarse'.
He apologised for his lack of success in fixing the boiler. I didn't tell him the hot water had come back on, albeit briefly, because he'd have crowed about it and said that was down to him. In truth, he'd have had more success hitting it hard with my hammer. Probably.
We had a lingering brandy each and I paid the bill. Tel revolved the brandy in the glass and looked speculatively at the next table, who were finishing their kulfi sweets and coffee, eyes locked lovingly on each other. She was wearing a sort of lycra body thing under her dress. "Bet 'e'll knock 'imself art geddin' that off later" whispered Tel.
We left at 9.30, Mrs Tel already waiting in the car park, headlights dipped. We got in the car and she drove me home. On the way, she asked me what I was doing for Christmas. I said the usual, parents on Xmas Day and Boxing Day, probably off on Xmas Eve and the Monday. I asked for Xmas Eve as annual leave as if I can't go back to Birmingham, I'd rather be off. "We was wonderin' if you'd come to us for Chrissmuss this year?" she asked. So, flattered, I said yes. Although I'll have to forgo Christmas Day for my parents. So it's agreed for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with the Tels.
They dropped me and they drove off, waving. I waved back and then, slightly merry, went looking to finish the job in my lounge. My brandy is better than the one they serve in the Indian. It only took me the rest of the bottle to realise it. I got some more today. Another two bottles. You need it when your gas central heating radiators are colder than a witch's tit.
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| The Warky League One Report: Crewe Alexandra (H) on 22:22 - Nov 1 with 578 views | Westover |
Looking forward to your Xmas report from Tels already, 🎅 hope the boiler repair is not to expensive. |  | | |
| The Warky League One Report: Crewe Alexandra (H) on 06:39 - Nov 2 with 441 views | Ace_High1 |
Haha Xmas Special with Tel will be lively.
Got a feeling that might be the time Mrs Tel says what she really thinks.
Might be a good Xmas for you Warkers :) |  | | |
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