| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? 10:24 - Jan 21 with 1527 views | hoppy |
Here's one to start off...
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Around 40. We don't do birthdays.
OFFICER: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or combats. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went on my scooter.
OFFICER : What kind of scooter was it?
Husband : A 1982 PX125 with a 77’ Rally 200 lump, in heavy fake black and 2 tone silver mudguard and panels, fat tubeless tyres, upgraded disc brakes, scorpion exhaust and an 80’s flip flop rack...At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, we'll find your scooter. |  |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 10:30 - Jan 21 with 1486 views | Warkystache |
I like my women to be like Covid - 19, makes me breathless and easily spread. |  |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 10:34 - Jan 21 with 1471 views | hatch |
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn’t pay £300 to have a lentil on my face. |  | | |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 10:58 - Jan 21 with 1413 views | Keno |
Paul Lambert got a 5 year deal |  |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:08 - Jan 21 with 1397 views | hoppy |
I was sitting on my bed last night and just pulling off my boxers, when the Mrs said to me, you really spoil those dogs... | |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:09 - Jan 21 with 1396 views | Keno |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:08 - Jan 21 by hoppy |
I was sitting on my bed last night and just pulling off my boxers, when the Mrs said to me, you really spoil those dogs... |
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel! | |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:20 - Jan 21 with 1355 views | BiGDonnie |
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the chair!' |  |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:26 - Jan 21 with 1329 views | Keno |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:20 - Jan 21 by BiGDonnie |
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the chair!' |
Where do you go to weigh a pie?
Somewhere, over the rainbow. | |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:30 - Jan 21 with 1315 views | BiGDonnie |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:26 - Jan 21 by Keno |
Where do you go to weigh a pie?
Somewhere, over the rainbow. |
Now we're really getting into the 'crap' 
Me - Crached my car into a piecost yesterday.
You - What's a piecost?
Me - About £2.50
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:36 - Jan 21 with 1295 views | Keno |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:30 - Jan 21 by BiGDonnie |
Now we're really getting into the 'crap'
Me - Crached my car into a piecost yesterday.
You - What's a piecost?
Me - About £2.50
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I got arrested yesterday for using an apple pie to masturbate
Maybe I should've left Tesco's before doing it? | |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 13:46 - Jan 21 with 1154 views | hoppy |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:36 - Jan 21 by Keno |
I got arrested yesterday for using an apple pie to masturbate
Maybe I should've left Tesco's before doing it? |
Did you get the apple turnover? | |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 14:26 - Jan 21 with 1092 views | MedwayTractor |
TEN PUNS
1. Two vultures boarded an airplane each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wished she had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from these men of God, a rival florist from across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers if they would close down, but they would not. He went back and begged them to close. They ignored them. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know walked barefoot most of the time, which produces an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
10. And finally there was a guy who emailed 10 different puns to his friends and family with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |  |
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| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 18:16 - Jan 21 with 973 views | handslikeplates |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 11:08 - Jan 21 by hoppy |
I was sitting on my bed last night and just pulling off my boxers, when the Mrs said to me, you really spoil those dogs... |
What goes in and out and smells of p*ss?
An old folks home doing the Hokey Cokey |  | | |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 22:17 - Jan 21 with 835 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| Crap Joke Thursday.... whatever happened to those? on 14:26 - Jan 21 by MedwayTractor |
TEN PUNS
1. Two vultures boarded an airplane each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wished she had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from these men of God, a rival florist from across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers if they would close down, but they would not. He went back and begged them to close. They ignored them. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know walked barefoot most of the time, which produces an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
10. And finally there was a guy who emailed 10 different puns to his friends and family with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
That deserves an uppie for effort...made me laugh anyway! |  |
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