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The Warky League 1 Report: Fleetwood Town (H) 20:13 - May 9 with 698 viewsWarkystache

There was no fancy dress, no inflatable beach balls being palmed around the crowd, no shirtsleeves, no 'final pint before I go up', no Luke in his seat, with his skinny jeans round the tops of his legs, no Dolly with his hipster beard and french onion-seller t-shirt, no guzzled pre-match drinks in Yates, no final day lap of honour by the players and their kids, no seagulls swooping dangerously around the burger stall by Sir Alf, or rousing chants of "Blue Army" in the underpasses.

The final day of a deeply disappointing season passed on my PC, just like all the others I've bothered watching have. Home has its advantages, true; cheaper booze and food, no negotiating the railways or route-marching down to the pub, no piss-taking banter about haircuts or fatter guts. But the atmosphere is awful. The pre-match build up consists of swigging from a bottle of suds and trying to copy the I-follow link from one web page to another.

I didn't have Tel either, despite his promises on Friday, when we sat in my kitchen sucking duck bones from the Peking Roast and wiping up blobs of hoi-sin sauce with a poised finger. "Not doin' nuffink on Sundy" he said nonchalantly, eyeing the unopened bag of prawn crackers with longing. True, he's not been the most steadfast of Town fans for a few years now, but the last game? I just thought he'd be there. Instead, I got the inevitable phone call with the excuse ("din't knar it kicked off at twelve, me'n'the wife are goin' to Tesco, like, need some shoppin' an' she needs a new ironin' board, so...."). In truth, it's a sign of how far we've fallen.

I was having roast pork later. Between the end of the second half and the start of the Grand Prix to be exact. In the end, I had it at five. I'd bought a pork loin joint in case Tel fancied a bit of lunch/dinner, and made a nice apple sauce with pink lady apples and a drop of brandy. Pork's not bad cold, I suppose. Plenty for sarnies tonight and tomorrow.

Friday, after a week of frustration with home-working and the inability of Brummies to understand an Essex accent on Zoom, was the end of a week spent back doing something productive rather than taking increasingly solitary walks around local countryside and getting drunk at 5.30pm. Tel arrived at six, we had a snifter at mine and then went down the local for three or four more and to (ostensibly) wait for our chinese to be cooked. We sat in the warm damp of the beer garden, amongst London workers relaxing in suits and strangely mottled locals, sipping beers and shorts. We ordered the Chinese at 7.30. It takes them at least 40 minutes to cook it and they text me when done. It's about a five minute walk from the pub.

We left at dead on eight to collect and then, as Tel was moaning about back ache after finally installing his garden fountain, got a cab back to mine. It was a bit lazy; my place is a 20 minute walk. The cab driver eyed us with open derision when I told him the address. Tel was happy though.

"Larse game'o'the season?" said Tel, speculatively, when I mentioned it. "Sundy'n'all?" He shattered a prawn cracker with a bite and then chomped, noisily, as though eating coal. "Yeh. Aint up to nuffink on Sundy. Wife wants some shoppin' so it'll probly be Tesco an' that tomorra, so...yeh..could do". This was an affirmative in his parlance. He'd have hedged his bets if offered a place on a lifeboat on the Titanic.

We got merrily drunk and Mrs Tel arrived at eleven and graciously accepted my offer to come in and had a Coke with ice while we polished off the remnants of the bottles. I don't think she's well if I'm honest. Tel mentioned she needs more tests on her pelvic floor, but, thankfully, forbade to give more details. She walked gingerly and her kiss on my cheek was a little peck, like a small, frightened bird might give. She looked drawn. I was a bit ashamed Tel had asked her out so late to collect him. She looked like she should have been at home in bed, resting.

So I worried a bit and to be honest, I'm still worried. Tel poo-poohed it on the phone this morning, with an easy reassurance, but to me, she looked unwell. I hope I'm wrong and she was just tired. Anyway...

So yesterday it rained like a monsoon and I couldn't be bothered walking in it so stayed in and read the papers and watched Derby jammily stay in the Championship, and Waggy in tears at the end and all that. I wish we still had Waggy. I sometimes wish we'd kept Matt Clarke, only he looked a bit of a prawn in their defence.

And on to today, and that phone call from Tel, and the little heft of disappointment which then became resignation as I fired up the old laptop and wondered if I could possibly write a report before the game, given how it would likely end 0-0 with many people offering tearful two-fingered farewells to many of our players on here, or maybe offer to drive Keenans Bennetts back to Stansted for the next flight to Germany, preferably in their boot.

And lo, we were brilliant and attacked with purpose and scored three in twenty-odd minutes and it was as if the last laugh was from this overpaid, overhyped bunch of wasters after all. Finished ninth in League One, below the superior teams of Blackpool (who we beat twice), Sunderland (who are as consistent as rancid piss), Lincoln (fair do's but they are our bogey side and should've won automatic anyway) and Oxford United, who always make any failings look Mickey Mouse. Even Portsmouth, play-off certs in their last game at home to an Accrington side that stutters worse than Arkwright, even Portsmouth who played like a League Two side and were deservedly beaten 1-0 at home, even Portsmouth got three more points than us.

As The Stranglers sang, Something Better Change. And it will. New players, hopefully more play like today, better players who actually try and strive and compete and don't look like they're one pay day away from coaching half-assed kids in some academy or fitting kitchens.

We can dream. Only this time, the dreams may come true.

Have a good break


Poll: If we were guaranteed promotion next season, how would you celebrate?
Blog: [Blog] It's Time the Club Pushed On


The Warky League 1 Report: Fleetwood Town (H) on 20:30 - May 9 with 645 viewsFtnfwest

Euro 2020/2021 special? Feel like an England v Scotland accompanied by an evening with Tel event

The Warky League 1 Report: Fleetwood Town (H) on 20:35 - May 9 with 617 viewsStochesStotasBlewe

Cheers Warky.
Some absolute gems this season.

We have no village green, or a shop. It's very, very quiet. I can walk to the pub.

The Warky League 1 Report: Fleetwood Town (H) on 20:46 - May 9 with 595 viewsWarkystache

The Warky League 1 Report: Fleetwood Town (H) on 20:30 - May 9 by Ftnfwest

Euro 2020/2021 special? Feel like an England v Scotland accompanied by an evening with Tel event

Will do. Euro specials will be coming.

Poll: If we were guaranteed promotion next season, how would you celebrate?
Blog: [Blog] It's Time the Club Pushed On


The Warky League 1 Report: Fleetwood Town (H) on 08:45 - May 10 with 339 viewsLeBlue

Don't know you Warky but just want to say thanks for your reports this season, they've made me smile on every occasion.

Looking forward to reading your chronicles of a a much more exciting 2021/22 next season.

Take care mate.


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