| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) 16:41 - Oct 10 with 2782 views | Warkystache |
Three home games missed. I was glad I chose to reduce my DD payments per month. It doesn't seem as harsh when you're only paying £20 a month.
You may ask why I missed three importunate matches; the lucky 1-1 with Wednesday, the euphoric 6-0 v Doncaster and yesterday. I knew you would. Believe me when I say that I never meant for it to happen. Although that's a cop-out, frankly. I allowed and encouraged it in a moment of weakness.
So you remember Paula? You know her story; that of divorce from her errant, snake-eyed cheating hubby who is now ensconced in some foreign bird's flat in Cheshunt, doubtless enjoying acts of jigglement and heavy breathing which would enrage that puritan instinct borne in everyone who has suffered extra-marital cheats.
Terry is now working a five-day week, his rota as fickle as a spoilt child. Sometimes he does a Saturday, sometimes a Friday late, sometimes he's off and texting me about potential lunches in locals when I'm stuck in Birmingham. He thinks I'm of sufficient means to just drop everything and go. I suspect he thinks Brum is just 'a coupl'a'ours darn the road' as he's often pointed out to me in drunk conversation, almost dismissively. So he texts at ten a.m, poorly spelt sub-English which reads better by proxy, usually aloud and in a cockernee accent that would shame Dick Van Dyke. "Fancy sum drink n food 12 in loocal" he texted me as I prepared to attend a morning meeting. No I replied. Just no.
Subsequently our meetings have been few and far between lately. We made arrangements to meet on Saturday 25th September, the same day as the Wednesday home game, at 7.30pm in the Indian. I was driving home after my Kettering refuel on the Friday night, back before the panic buying of fuel had started. Kettering is well served by garages. The Morrisons one I used was cheap and also sold fairly-priced cold soft drinks, so I bought a bottle of Highland Spring and a bottle of apple juice to refresh me on the drive home. I've got into apple juice lately. I used to drink it a lot as a kid (I had parents who progressively refused to have a fizzy soft drink in the house so my choice was apple juice, milk, tea or water). Having friends over for dinner became a bit of a chore so we'd smuggle cans of Quattro and Lilt and Pepsi into my bedroom via our jeans pockets, where they'd bulge indecently. I was never searched for illicit beverages by a concerned parent (although they must have found the prominent jean bulges an eye-opener) and, once safely in my bedroom, we'd sit playing Sega and merrily gulping. It was a while before we tried the same trick with cigarettes (well, about a year) but they had the disadvantage of smell, so the Polo mints and cans of Glade I hoarded were much used.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, so we'd arranged dinner, just Tel and I, and then the petrol crisis hit on the Saturday morning and Tel cancelled, citing the low level in his 4x4 and the lack of local amenities. I offered to pick him up, my (mostly) full tank being an incentive, but the moment had gone and he made some excuse about "needin' ter be wiv the missus 'cos she's gonna do us steak pie". So I rang the restaurant and cancelled the booking.
I went for a drink instead in the local. It was half-empty and I took an old book I'd been reading which I found in the staff room at work. It was a crumbling Penguin paperback of On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I'd read about two chapters.
Sat with another pint and engrossed in the book, I was suddenly surprised by Paula coming over to say hello. She was out with her sister and her mum's carer. They were heading off home having had a meal. Paula's sister was driving the carer back. Paula was walking; her newly-rented flat was only a few hundred yards from the pub. The others said goodnight to her (and me) and left. I asked if she fancied another drink and she looked uncertain but then nodded. She slipped into the chair opposite me and we chatted, desultory stuff about the petrol crisis and her mum.
I bought her a vodka and lemonade. "Double?" said the barmaid, with the glint of a leer in her eye. I must have hesitated, because she said "It's only one fifty more". So I acquiesced. She topped it with ice and then from the lemonade pump . I bought it back to the table. Paula downed it in two gulps. "Aah" she said. "Needed that". She bought the next round. I'd abandoned the beer. It was too gassy and I'd started on the brandy. Paula bought the drinks back. Both doubles. It continued from there, one of us going up to the bar every five minutes for a refill. It reminded me of that scene in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', when Karen Allen has that drink-off with those Mongolians.
By 11pm as they were yelling last orders, my teeth were numb. Paula seemed the worse as well, so we made our excuses and pulled jackets on, ready to leave. The fresh air was a succour. Then Paula said "Come'n'see my noo flat?" so I went. It was jolly nice. Well, she hadn't quite unpacked everything and the furniture looked a bit out of place. But it was comfortable and smelled neutral and we sat and had a few more drinks (she had vodka and a few cans of Red Bull so we had heavy VRB's. I could taste the vodka more than the Red Bull).
Then, well I dunno. She told me about Blake, on the verge of tears, her eyes wet and her top lip trembling a bit. At one point, when it seemed tears were imminent, I stood up and hugged her and made those vague "S'alright" noises blokes make when confronted with feminine distress. She looked up at me searchingly and then we kissed and then, well, we sort of found the bedroom and then....
I awoke at 7am on Sunday morning with the taste of something tinny in my mouth. I could hear traffic on the roads. 'Funny' I thought. I can never hear that in my place. Then I noticed the duvet smelled nice, sort of fresh and the room was a bit different, somehow smaller. I recognised my boxers draped on a sideboard in the hall. Christ, must have been a night, I thought. Then I remembered I don't have a sideboard in a hall outside my bedroom.
The next shock was Paula, coming back to the bedroom carrying two mugs of black coffee, naked. "Sorry, we're out'a'milk' she apologised. She bent over to place the mug for me on the little bedside table next to my side and her breasts brushed my face. Uh-oh. I got a bit of a stonker. I manfully rolled on my side to try and hide it. She pulled back the duvet and got back into bed. I'd rolled on my right side so was facing her. She kissed me gently and stroked my chest hair. The stonker became a bit 'fuller'. I kissed her back. The blood thumped in my head like a train piston. Then she reached down and put her hand....and suddenly we were kissing like two blind leeches sucking on a blood smoothie and then...
It was a lot tougher, doing it hungover. The added incentives of the Red Bull had worn off, but I thought I did quite a good job. At least she seemed happy. That's always been my fear with this sort of thing. I also started worrying about the old 'protection' thing. I hadn't worn anything and I reckoned I must have managed it at least thrice by now. But I kept silent. And had a bad week subsequently afterwards, worrying. I'm 47 years old. Paula's 28. You know what they say about women's body clocks and that?
We spent rather a nice morning lazing in bed, drinking her godawful coffee (she had a jar of Morrisons own, I later saw) and, whenever the blood pumped round the bits required, and at my age, you're always grateful when it does, made love. I got dressed at 12.30 and we kissed again and I went, with promises to call her later and also for her to drive over and see me when I was off on Wednesday. The walk home was on air, as it usually is in these situations, and I would have floated except for one thought: Tel.
He didn't call, which was a relief. Then at 7.00pm, my phone pinged and a message said "Sorry aout wkend wife n me went to Pier in Harrich, see yer nest week". 'Nest week' I thought. Yep, it probably will be at this rate....
As I write this, I didn't make the Doncaster game. Paula came over on the Tuesday night (dates were never really her forte) and stayed, and I threw a sickie on the Wednesday and she stayed some more. I've got better coffee, you see. I'm glad I changed my bedclothes on the Sunday night. She also came over yesterday. We had made plans. True, these modestly involved driving to Waitrose for some nice hand-held foodie bits and some bottles of wine and Vodka and Brandy and then coming home and having a drink and a snack and then taking our clothes off and retiring at 3pm. But it sounded better than a 2-1 win over Shrewsbury.
I haven't told Tel. We discussed this, Paula and I. We both agreed we wouldn't yet. I'm not entirely sure how he'll react. he's always been like another father to her. She's incredibly close to Mrs Tel as well. If the affaire continues, I can see some difficult conversations ahead. For now though, well, each day and all that. I'm off in two weeks as well. for two weeks. Hope my loins and, more importantly, my heart can take it...
[Post edited 10 Oct 2021 17:01]
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 17:58 - Oct 10 with 2607 views | witchdoctor |
yaaaay……gerrinthere Warky….nice one …😉 |  | | |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 20:11 - Oct 10 with 2432 views | hype313 |
What a pleasant read that was.
Never read any Jilly Cooper, but might have to after that. |  |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 21:56 - Oct 10 with 2313 views | nodge_blue |
You might have found McAuley Bonne had the same affect. |  |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 00:31 - Oct 11 with 2209 views | Eireannach_gorm |
Well done Warky. One in the eye for Blake. Do Tel and Mrs Tel still think he is a great fella? |  | | |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 06:21 - Oct 11 with 2136 views | hoppy |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 21:56 - Oct 10 by nodge_blue |
You might have found McAuley Bonne had the same affect. |
And the 6-0… although sounds like warky managed a hat trick too… |  |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 06:55 - Oct 11 with 2108 views | The_Romford_Blue |
I think it was around the ‘she downed it in two gulps’ bit when my mind went ‘imagine if he shags her’ and then that soon became ‘oh my god he’s gonna shag her!’ a few moments later as she invited you to see the new gaf.
Well in Warky. These reports are the best thing on TWTD (easily) and you’ve now added a whole new storyline to keep us all entertained.
Edit - Happy for Paula too - that Blake sounded like a right tosser [Post edited 11 Oct 2021 7:16]
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 07:44 - Oct 11 with 2035 views | hype313 |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 06:55 - Oct 11 by The_Romford_Blue |
I think it was around the ‘she downed it in two gulps’ bit when my mind went ‘imagine if he shags her’ and then that soon became ‘oh my god he’s gonna shag her!’ a few moments later as she invited you to see the new gaf.
Well in Warky. These reports are the best thing on TWTD (easily) and you’ve now added a whole new storyline to keep us all entertained.
Edit - Happy for Paula too - that Blake sounded like a right tosser [Post edited 11 Oct 2021 7:16]
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It's brilliant isn't it.
Its like the TWTD's Crossroads. | |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 08:31 - Oct 11 with 1968 views | StochesStotasBlewe |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 07:44 - Oct 11 by hype313 |
It's brilliant isn't it.
Its like the TWTD's Crossroads. |
.....without the wobbly scenery. |  |
| We have no village green, or a shop.
It's very, very quiet.
I can walk to the pub. |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 08:38 - Oct 11 with 1955 views | waveneyblue |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 08:31 - Oct 11 by StochesStotasBlewe |
.....without the wobbly scenery. |
The Lady and the footballers facial hair By Barbara Cartland
Brilliant stuff |  | | |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 09:40 - Oct 11 with 1888 views | hoppy |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 08:31 - Oct 11 by StochesStotasBlewe |
.....without the wobbly scenery. |
Haha... that was my exact same thought, to the letter, when I read that comment too! | |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:06 - Oct 11 with 1841 views | giant_stow |
In the words of an associate from Mauritius, you got your dickwhet*- hurrah!
* pronounced all one word, with the 'h being important. |  |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:18 - Oct 11 with 1819 views | MerseyBlue |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:06 - Oct 11 by giant_stow |
In the words of an associate from Mauritius, you got your dickwhet*- hurrah!
* pronounced all one word, with the 'h being important. |
It wasn't Kevin Bru was it? |  |
| "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." | | Poll: | Who will be the winner? |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:20 - Oct 11 with 1815 views | hoppy |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:06 - Oct 11 by giant_stow |
In the words of an associate from Mauritius, you got your dickwhet*- hurrah!
* pronounced all one word, with the 'h being important. |
I never realised you were of Mauritian descent... | |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:26 - Oct 11 with 1793 views | giant_stow |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:18 - Oct 11 by MerseyBlue |
It wasn't Kevin Bru was it? |
Sadly not, but this guy's a great salesman. | |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:58 - Oct 11 with 1745 views | Pippin1970 |
You need to start doing stories for Mayfair and Razzle magazines. Good read. |  | | |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 11:09 - Oct 11 with 1724 views | hype313 |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 10:58 - Oct 11 by Pippin1970 |
You need to start doing stories for Mayfair and Razzle magazines. Good read. |
Readers Wife's.... | |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 11:51 - Oct 11 with 1674 views | TooManyCooks |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 06:55 - Oct 11 by The_Romford_Blue |
I think it was around the ‘she downed it in two gulps’ bit when my mind went ‘imagine if he shags her’ and then that soon became ‘oh my god he’s gonna shag her!’ a few moments later as she invited you to see the new gaf.
Well in Warky. These reports are the best thing on TWTD (easily) and you’ve now added a whole new storyline to keep us all entertained.
Edit - Happy for Paula too - that Blake sounded like a right tosser [Post edited 11 Oct 2021 7:16]
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Ah Rommy my lad, the point at which I knew what was "cumming" (is that too much filth?) in Warky's report, was the mention that Paula did not leave with her dining party. From that moment, it's all about maintaining the females interest through verbal display and providing subconscious assurance that she has made the right decision. It all sounds a bit Chris Packham, because it is. | |
| hedgehog flavoured cucumbers |
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| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 18:31 - Oct 11 with 1525 views | Durovigutum |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 11:51 - Oct 11 by TooManyCooks |
Ah Rommy my lad, the point at which I knew what was "cumming" (is that too much filth?) in Warky's report, was the mention that Paula did not leave with her dining party. From that moment, it's all about maintaining the females interest through verbal display and providing subconscious assurance that she has made the right decision. It all sounds a bit Chris Packham, because it is. |
Someone once told me the best pickup line ever is "don't interrupt the lady, I was interested in what she was saying". |  | | |
| The Warky Report: AWOL (h) on 20:12 - Dec 20 with 1055 views | J2BLUE |
Well f##k me sideways.
Can't stand prequels normally but that was brilliant. |  |
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