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Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.
Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.
So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.
"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"
The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.
When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.
"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."
So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.
Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.
But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:
1. The British are the cooks. 2. The Germans are the police. 3. The French are the engineers. 4. The Swiss are the lovers. and 5. it's all organised by the Italians.
Heaven is where:
1. It's all organised by the Swiss. 2. The British are the police. 3. The Germans are the engineers. 4. The French are the cooks. and 5. The Italians are the lovers.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said Why?" He said "My dog's died." "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
Just one small problem; sell their houses to who, Ben? Fcking Aquaman?
Excellent joke! And the final line could have been ‘cheating bald c***’.
They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do. To create a new strain of super-wine in half-an-hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. 'Bernard Black, he's mad,' they'd say, 'he's insane, he's dangerous.' Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 16:11 - Feb 8 by MedwayTractor
A clean one, for a change (for me at least):
The difference between heaven & hell:
Hell is where:
1. The British are the cooks. 2. The Germans are the police. 3. The French are the engineers. 4. The Swiss are the lovers. and 5. it's all organised by the Italians.
Heaven is where:
1. It's all organised by the Swiss. 2. The British are the police. 3. The Germans are the engineers. 4. The French are the cooks. and 5. The Italians are the lovers.
You missed the bit in Heaven where the Irish provide the criac
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 16:07 - Feb 8 by Churchman
Two cannibals having dinner. One says ‘I don’t like your wife’
The other says ‘Never mind, just eat the chips’
Two cannibals start eating a man. One starts at the head, the other at the toes. The man staring at the head ask his friend how he's enjoying the meal? "I'm having a ball" he replies.
"You greedy bastard" says the cannibal starting at the head. "I've not even got to his neck yet".
No idea when I began here, was a very long time ago. Previously known as Spirit_of_81. Love cheese, hate the colour of it, this is why it requires some blue in it.
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 14:30 - Feb 9 by NthQldITFC
A rabbit hops into a butcher's shop and after a bit of tooth-chattering asks the butcher, "Have you got any cabbage?"
"No," says the butcher, "I'm a butcher and I only sell meat."
The rabbit hops out of the shop, teeth chattering away again as rabbits do.
The next day the rabbit hops back into the butcher's, chatter-chatter, "Have you got any cabbage?"
"No," says the irritated butcher, "I told you yesterday, I only sell meat. If you want vegetables you'll have to go to the greengrocer's next door."
Off hops the bunny, chattering.
On the third day, the rabbit hops into the butcher's again, chatter-chatter, "Have you got any cabbage?"
"NO! Look, if you come in here asking for cabbage again, I'm going to nail your floppy bunny ears to the floor. NOW PISS OFF!"
Chatter-chatter, bunny exits.
Day four, and the rabbit hops back into the butcher's, "Have you got any nails?"
"Err, no?" says the puzzled butcher.
"Have you got any cabbage?"
A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. “A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying c**t. He's never been out of the garden!"
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a sign by the side of the road; it says “Talking dog inside”. He doesn’t have anything much to do that day so he figures he’ll check it out. So he goes inside, there’s a man behind the counter, and he says ‘I understand that you have a talking dog’. So the man replies ‘Yes I do’. He says ‘Can I see it?’ and the guy goes ‘Sure, go round the back, you’ll see the talking dog.’
So he goes round to the back of the store and sure enough there’s an old mangy dog lying there in the corner. So he goes over to the dog and says ‘Excuse me, are you the talking dog?’ And the dog looks up and says ‘Yes I am’. The guy says ‘Well, that’s amazing, how did you learn how to talk?’ ‘Well really’ the dog says, ‘there’s not much I can tell you. When I was growing up, when I was a little puppy, all my litter mates would bark, they would howl, but I would talk’ he says ‘It would just come naturally.’
‘That’s an amazing thing, did you ever do anything to capitalize on this amazing talent of yours?’ ‘Oh yes’, the dog says, ‘shortly after I reached adulthood I was a young dog and I joined the CIA. They assigned me to go behind the Iron Curtain; I went to Warsaw, I went to Prague, I spent some time in Moscow. People would talk freely in front of me because I’m a dog, and then I would return and report back to my case officer. We had many many intelligence coups that way.’ ‘That’s really sensational’ the guy says, ‘Did you do anything after the CIA?’ ‘Yeah, I went to work for the State department, I was at the Court of St James, the American embassy in London, then I went to Paris and served several years there. Then frankly I got tired of being away from home, came back here and met a beautiful female dog, we got married and had a beautiful litter and I’m settled down now; this is what I’m doing.’
‘That’s sensational’ the guy says. ‘Wait a minute, I’ll be right back.’ So he goes around to the front of the store and he says ‘I don’t suppose you’d be willing to sell this dog?’ The owner says ‘Sure, I’ve been wanting to sell him for a while.’ ‘Well how much would you want for this dog?’ ‘Ten dollars’, the owner goes. ‘Ten dollars!? For a dog that’s so fantastic?’
‘Yeah, but he’s full of sh*t, he’s never done any of those things’.
1
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 14:47 - Feb 9 with 4203 views
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 14:46 - Feb 9 by carlo88
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a sign by the side of the road; it says “Talking dog inside”. He doesn’t have anything much to do that day so he figures he’ll check it out. So he goes inside, there’s a man behind the counter, and he says ‘I understand that you have a talking dog’. So the man replies ‘Yes I do’. He says ‘Can I see it?’ and the guy goes ‘Sure, go round the back, you’ll see the talking dog.’
So he goes round to the back of the store and sure enough there’s an old mangy dog lying there in the corner. So he goes over to the dog and says ‘Excuse me, are you the talking dog?’ And the dog looks up and says ‘Yes I am’. The guy says ‘Well, that’s amazing, how did you learn how to talk?’ ‘Well really’ the dog says, ‘there’s not much I can tell you. When I was growing up, when I was a little puppy, all my litter mates would bark, they would howl, but I would talk’ he says ‘It would just come naturally.’
‘That’s an amazing thing, did you ever do anything to capitalize on this amazing talent of yours?’ ‘Oh yes’, the dog says, ‘shortly after I reached adulthood I was a young dog and I joined the CIA. They assigned me to go behind the Iron Curtain; I went to Warsaw, I went to Prague, I spent some time in Moscow. People would talk freely in front of me because I’m a dog, and then I would return and report back to my case officer. We had many many intelligence coups that way.’ ‘That’s really sensational’ the guy says, ‘Did you do anything after the CIA?’ ‘Yeah, I went to work for the State department, I was at the Court of St James, the American embassy in London, then I went to Paris and served several years there. Then frankly I got tired of being away from home, came back here and met a beautiful female dog, we got married and had a beautiful litter and I’m settled down now; this is what I’m doing.’
‘That’s sensational’ the guy says. ‘Wait a minute, I’ll be right back.’ So he goes around to the front of the store and he says ‘I don’t suppose you’d be willing to sell this dog?’ The owner says ‘Sure, I’ve been wanting to sell him for a while.’ ‘Well how much would you want for this dog?’ ‘Ten dollars’, the owner goes. ‘Ten dollars!? For a dog that’s so fantastic?’
‘Yeah, but he’s full of sh*t, he’s never done any of those things’.
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