| I need a poll and some wisdom 14:11 - Oct 29 with 1421 views | Reus30 |
Recently, I have been a bit of a journey which I won't bore you with nor is this any kind of fishing. I need to ask a question about societal norms.
I would like to think I am warm and supportive person in general but overall, I am a miserable sod.
However, I recently opened up to one of my direct family members about my mental wellbeing. I didn't go into too much depth but just said, look, this is the situation, I am trying and it's tough.
The response I had back was (without any other discussion or previous), "maybe you should take your own advice" in relation to something I said to them when I was was comforting them about their separate struggles previously.
To me, that was a kick in the jewels and on a scale of 1-10, probably a solid 9 in being a terrible person. Google seems to think it was a 10/10 although discouraged me from saying the choice words I want to.
So because I can't exactly collect a reasonable sample size in RL without looking like a strange person, I thought I would ask the wise owls over on the TWTD forum.
What we thinking, am I overreacting as I am not in the right frame of mind or should I give them a piece of my mind and a fist shake.
[Post edited 29 Oct 14:12]
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:19 - Oct 29 with 1335 views | Herbivore |
I think you are well within your rights to feel aggrieved. They haven't shown a lot of empathy towards you when you've chosen to open up to them. Definitely worthy of a fist shake, how much of a piece of your mind you want to give them is probably an area where there's more discretion. I think an approach of telling them how what they said made you feel rather than calling them a heartless c*** might be a good way to go. Hopefully it'll shame them rather than make them defensive.
On a related note, sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Your fellow TWTDers are here for you if you need them. |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:36 - Oct 29 with 1279 views | John_Warks_Willy |
Firstly, you were very brave to speak to someone about this. We need more men to do so, and you have my admiration.
Secondly, one persons opinion does not define you. I am sure I could as easily find someone who thinks I’m a massive evil d1ckhead, as I could someone who thinks I’m an angel sent from god! And a million in between.
Mental health symptoms will make you focus on the negative end of the scale though.
My advise is to give that particular interaction some time to breathe before doing anything about it. While it’s not a helpful response you received, you simply don’t know or may never know what drove that person to say those particular words on that particular day.
Lastly, move on from that and continue your journey of getting advice and help. You’ve took the hardest step, so be rightly optimistic on your journey from here 👏👏 [Post edited 29 Oct 14:39]
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:44 - Oct 29 with 1203 views | Kropotkin123 |
You seem to be inferring that you need a larger sample size to decide whether you should give the choice words or not. Maybe I'm missing something and there is a different consequence.
If they did say it, there is a reason. Maybe they felt your advice lacked empathy and they are still hurting from it. That doesn't make them terrible, It makes them human. If you value your friendship, be polite and ask them. 'You said "maybe you should take your own advice", did I miss the mark, could I have done something better?'
If they give a reason that confirms you did not give them what they needed and you don't agree, that is okay. Apologise anyway. Forgive yourself for missing the mark. Think how you could have given them a better response.
You opened up about your own mental well-being. I think forgiving yourself is a good first step so things don't build upon other things, and you can strengthen relationships with those that can help you.
I also think this will impact your judgement and how you express it. Eg, terrible is a loaded word and unlikely to be an appropriate label. Reframe it.
Finally, you opened up about your own difficulties. It seems to me that this is a way to do that on here without explicitly doing it. There are plenty of people on here that will listen and may have good advice. Take the next step, let people know what is going on. |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:46 - Oct 29 with 1186 views | Basuco |
I would say that you take it on the chin and don't react, go back and think what was said and done, then take a good look at how it could have been put better to reflect your thoughts. Take it as a lesson learnt rather than criticism.
It is very easy to be misunderstood, an old boss said to me once, if someone has not understood what you said, it is your fault for not explaining it correctly.
So in your case where you undoubtedly said and did nothing wrong, it was not heard the way you intended.
Hope this helps and it can also help retain friends and family, in times of need every person we can talk to is a help. |  | | |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:54 - Oct 29 with 1149 views | The_Flashing_Smile |
On the face of it, and without knowing the exact words, nuance and context, it seems sound advice - you gave them some good advice when they were low, you need to apply that advice to yourself. We're often good at giving good advice to others but are much harder on, and less forgiving to, ourselves.
Could you have misunderstood their meaning? There's not enough here for us to judge, but worth thinking about if you've got the wrong end of the stick and something came across as harsh when it might've intended to be caring.
Equally they might've taken your previous intended caring advice as harsh. Sounds like some misunderstanding going on here, on one or even both sides!
Whatever it is, and whatever your issues, good luck with it all. |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:01 - Oct 29 with 1113 views | DarkBrandon |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:54 - Oct 29 by The_Flashing_Smile |
On the face of it, and without knowing the exact words, nuance and context, it seems sound advice - you gave them some good advice when they were low, you need to apply that advice to yourself. We're often good at giving good advice to others but are much harder on, and less forgiving to, ourselves.
Could you have misunderstood their meaning? There's not enough here for us to judge, but worth thinking about if you've got the wrong end of the stick and something came across as harsh when it might've intended to be caring.
Equally they might've taken your previous intended caring advice as harsh. Sounds like some misunderstanding going on here, on one or even both sides!
Whatever it is, and whatever your issues, good luck with it all. |
I echo this.
Without knowing precisely what you said previously (and how it was taken by the other party) it is impossible for anyone reading you post to be sure what the "take your own advice" means. |  | | |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:10 - Oct 29 with 1057 views | DropCliffsNotBombs |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:54 - Oct 29 by The_Flashing_Smile |
On the face of it, and without knowing the exact words, nuance and context, it seems sound advice - you gave them some good advice when they were low, you need to apply that advice to yourself. We're often good at giving good advice to others but are much harder on, and less forgiving to, ourselves.
Could you have misunderstood their meaning? There's not enough here for us to judge, but worth thinking about if you've got the wrong end of the stick and something came across as harsh when it might've intended to be caring.
Equally they might've taken your previous intended caring advice as harsh. Sounds like some misunderstanding going on here, on one or even both sides!
Whatever it is, and whatever your issues, good luck with it all. |
That's how I read it. I have countless times given others advice that I know that I should apply to my own situation but haven't.
Without knowing the context or the delivery of the line, not sure we're best placed to advise re your reaction. Echo herbs though - good on you for opening up initially and TWTD is great when people need it. [Post edited 29 Oct 15:11]
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:15 - Oct 29 with 1026 views | iamatractorboy |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:54 - Oct 29 by The_Flashing_Smile |
On the face of it, and without knowing the exact words, nuance and context, it seems sound advice - you gave them some good advice when they were low, you need to apply that advice to yourself. We're often good at giving good advice to others but are much harder on, and less forgiving to, ourselves.
Could you have misunderstood their meaning? There's not enough here for us to judge, but worth thinking about if you've got the wrong end of the stick and something came across as harsh when it might've intended to be caring.
Equally they might've taken your previous intended caring advice as harsh. Sounds like some misunderstanding going on here, on one or even both sides!
Whatever it is, and whatever your issues, good luck with it all. |
I agree with this. I read the first part of your post and thought 'seems reasonable' because I took 'take your own advice' to mean 'it helped me and maybe it can help you too', and I interpreted it to be being friendly, caring advice. But I realise from the rest of your post that the context might mean this is a complete misunderstanding of what you meant and in fact they were being dismissive? |  | | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:15 - Oct 29 with 1019 views | Whos_blue |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 14:54 - Oct 29 by The_Flashing_Smile |
On the face of it, and without knowing the exact words, nuance and context, it seems sound advice - you gave them some good advice when they were low, you need to apply that advice to yourself. We're often good at giving good advice to others but are much harder on, and less forgiving to, ourselves.
Could you have misunderstood their meaning? There's not enough here for us to judge, but worth thinking about if you've got the wrong end of the stick and something came across as harsh when it might've intended to be caring.
Equally they might've taken your previous intended caring advice as harsh. Sounds like some misunderstanding going on here, on one or even both sides!
Whatever it is, and whatever your issues, good luck with it all. |
Having read the OP, this was my initial thought too.
You may given them exactly what they needed at that time. Equally, they may have felt you could've been more supportive.
As outsiders we're just guessing.
I'd probably open up the conversation again and explain how you feel. A good mate will always understand.
Like everyone else has said, look after yourself and reach out here if you need to. |  |
| Distortion becomes somehow pure in its wildness. |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:34 - Oct 29 with 954 views | Reus30 |
Very sound advice so far but I guess the missing point is context which is always difficult to add. There is two versions to every story but I guess here is mine. It's a long one but the gist of it is, take your own advice and don't be so hard on yourself.
Context - I am recently weaning myself of SSRIs as they were causing significant issues and side effects but I am feeling good, bit up and down some days (like today) but the fog is lifting.
I have been supportive of this person in person and via text for a very long time, I have always felt that at times, it's not a two way street and one-sided. But it's no cost to me, I am being a good person and I always want everyone around me to be content and lead a good life. I am warm, supportive but I am always weary to not be too much. With my close family, most of the time, I am an open book about my feelings and I would ask anyone around me to know I would do the same for them and be a shoulder or an ear if they need.
However, this person has gone a bit distance - doesn't really ask too much about me, just keeps things surface level. I know they are struggling so conscious of space but when they do reach out, I appreciate it and reciprocate and match the energy/tone.
The particular issued centered around coping mechanisms with alcohol (which is incredibly tricky itself).
They have been doing fantastically well in other aspects of life like routine, exercise all the health kicks but has been back drinking to coping. I have said some stuff in person but the most recent exchanges are as follows:
"Talking about issues with alcohol and the weekend just gone. "
Me: I am really pleased you are sticking to your goals and health kick! Please don't beat yourself up about any slip ups though as yesterday is gone. I am here supporting you if you ever need, you know that. Onto the next day :)
Slip ups will happen but you are doing so well, just keep going. Give yourself a little break and dont be so hard on yourself because you are doing so many good things.
Now I don't know if that is patronizing - I certainly didn't mean it to be as it was geniune and from the heart. I didn't receive a response as they went dark again but that's ok.
So the bit I got back, was basically, dont' be hard on yourself. All I said was the above about not being okay but I will be fine.
I can't help it. It miffed me. This person does have history or tend to be quite dismissive if I raise small concerns but they asked me how I was. Why should I hide it?
They asked me how I am after I was trying to create some space and keep off my phone, I say, no I am not, but I will be and im trying.
Honestly, about two hours ago, I was ready to throw down but I think that's raw feelings so I am calm now. But at the time, it felt like why should I be open with someone who I am really close with who evidently doesn't care about me.
Further context - I haven't responded. And there are no consequences of note yet whilst I sit on this for a while and work out what I am thinking. Fully aware that I am very sensitive and just more of a consensus if I am being a tit or not.
Sorry, long one. [Post edited 29 Oct 15:49]
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:36 - Oct 29 with 945 views | Reus30 |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:10 - Oct 29 by DropCliffsNotBombs |
That's how I read it. I have countless times given others advice that I know that I should apply to my own situation but haven't.
Without knowing the context or the delivery of the line, not sure we're best placed to advise re your reaction. Echo herbs though - good on you for opening up initially and TWTD is great when people need it. [Post edited 29 Oct 15:11]
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Honestly, I don't like saying stuff on the interweb and I have been hibernating on here for a few months as it's too much at times (no social media otherwise) but some of the DMs I have received for the last 15 years have been so heartwarming. Good bunch :) | | | |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:48 - Oct 29 with 888 views | Herbivore |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:34 - Oct 29 by Reus30 |
Very sound advice so far but I guess the missing point is context which is always difficult to add. There is two versions to every story but I guess here is mine. It's a long one but the gist of it is, take your own advice and don't be so hard on yourself.
Context - I am recently weaning myself of SSRIs as they were causing significant issues and side effects but I am feeling good, bit up and down some days (like today) but the fog is lifting.
I have been supportive of this person in person and via text for a very long time, I have always felt that at times, it's not a two way street and one-sided. But it's no cost to me, I am being a good person and I always want everyone around me to be content and lead a good life. I am warm, supportive but I am always weary to not be too much. With my close family, most of the time, I am an open book about my feelings and I would ask anyone around me to know I would do the same for them and be a shoulder or an ear if they need.
However, this person has gone a bit distance - doesn't really ask too much about me, just keeps things surface level. I know they are struggling so conscious of space but when they do reach out, I appreciate it and reciprocate and match the energy/tone.
The particular issued centered around coping mechanisms with alcohol (which is incredibly tricky itself).
They have been doing fantastically well in other aspects of life like routine, exercise all the health kicks but has been back drinking to coping. I have said some stuff in person but the most recent exchanges are as follows:
"Talking about issues with alcohol and the weekend just gone. "
Me: I am really pleased you are sticking to your goals and health kick! Please don't beat yourself up about any slip ups though as yesterday is gone. I am here supporting you if you ever need, you know that. Onto the next day :)
Slip ups will happen but you are doing so well, just keep going. Give yourself a little break and dont be so hard on yourself because you are doing so many good things.
Now I don't know if that is patronizing - I certainly didn't mean it to be as it was geniune and from the heart. I didn't receive a response as they went dark again but that's ok.
So the bit I got back, was basically, dont' be hard on yourself. All I said was the above about not being okay but I will be fine.
I can't help it. It miffed me. This person does have history or tend to be quite dismissive if I raise small concerns but they asked me how I was. Why should I hide it?
They asked me how I am after I was trying to create some space and keep off my phone, I say, no I am not, but I will be and im trying.
Honestly, about two hours ago, I was ready to throw down but I think that's raw feelings so I am calm now. But at the time, it felt like why should I be open with someone who I am really close with who evidently doesn't care about me.
Further context - I haven't responded. And there are no consequences of note yet whilst I sit on this for a while and work out what I am thinking. Fully aware that I am very sensitive and just more of a consensus if I am being a tit or not.
Sorry, long one. [Post edited 29 Oct 15:49]
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I think the response "take your own advice", even if it's intended to reflect that you gave them good advice, is pretty dismissive. You've taken the time to listen to them, try to understand their problems, and offered some constructive support and words of encouragement. Contrast that with "take your own advice' and it's not really giving back to you what you've tried to give to them. That was my take even before your added context, but I think your added context makes that clearer. | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:57 - Oct 29 with 854 views | giant_stow |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:34 - Oct 29 by Reus30 |
Very sound advice so far but I guess the missing point is context which is always difficult to add. There is two versions to every story but I guess here is mine. It's a long one but the gist of it is, take your own advice and don't be so hard on yourself.
Context - I am recently weaning myself of SSRIs as they were causing significant issues and side effects but I am feeling good, bit up and down some days (like today) but the fog is lifting.
I have been supportive of this person in person and via text for a very long time, I have always felt that at times, it's not a two way street and one-sided. But it's no cost to me, I am being a good person and I always want everyone around me to be content and lead a good life. I am warm, supportive but I am always weary to not be too much. With my close family, most of the time, I am an open book about my feelings and I would ask anyone around me to know I would do the same for them and be a shoulder or an ear if they need.
However, this person has gone a bit distance - doesn't really ask too much about me, just keeps things surface level. I know they are struggling so conscious of space but when they do reach out, I appreciate it and reciprocate and match the energy/tone.
The particular issued centered around coping mechanisms with alcohol (which is incredibly tricky itself).
They have been doing fantastically well in other aspects of life like routine, exercise all the health kicks but has been back drinking to coping. I have said some stuff in person but the most recent exchanges are as follows:
"Talking about issues with alcohol and the weekend just gone. "
Me: I am really pleased you are sticking to your goals and health kick! Please don't beat yourself up about any slip ups though as yesterday is gone. I am here supporting you if you ever need, you know that. Onto the next day :)
Slip ups will happen but you are doing so well, just keep going. Give yourself a little break and dont be so hard on yourself because you are doing so many good things.
Now I don't know if that is patronizing - I certainly didn't mean it to be as it was geniune and from the heart. I didn't receive a response as they went dark again but that's ok.
So the bit I got back, was basically, dont' be hard on yourself. All I said was the above about not being okay but I will be fine.
I can't help it. It miffed me. This person does have history or tend to be quite dismissive if I raise small concerns but they asked me how I was. Why should I hide it?
They asked me how I am after I was trying to create some space and keep off my phone, I say, no I am not, but I will be and im trying.
Honestly, about two hours ago, I was ready to throw down but I think that's raw feelings so I am calm now. But at the time, it felt like why should I be open with someone who I am really close with who evidently doesn't care about me.
Further context - I haven't responded. And there are no consequences of note yet whilst I sit on this for a while and work out what I am thinking. Fully aware that I am very sensitive and just more of a consensus if I am being a tit or not.
Sorry, long one. [Post edited 29 Oct 15:49]
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I'm not sure I'm getting this, but just to say one thing that you probably already know: SSRIs are seriously powerful drugs (I'm on them too) so coming off them is no small beer. I'd leave any reaction to this person at least for a couple of days, to give yourself time to process things fully.
Apologies, if that's of no use, but reading the thread, its what struck me. |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 16:26 - Oct 29 with 789 views | GavTWTD |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:01 - Oct 29 by DarkBrandon |
I echo this.
Without knowing precisely what you said previously (and how it was taken by the other party) it is impossible for anyone reading you post to be sure what the "take your own advice" means. |
I was struggling with this too. |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:14 - Oct 29 with 649 views | Pendejo |
I've only read OP, not even your follow up
My advice is always BUILD bridges NOT burn them
Without full context it seems you gave some advice to them which they think you use for yourself, and it's easier to give advice to others than give to yourself, it's that one step removed from the "challenge".
Whatever the situation there will be someone who can give good advice, whether it helps or not comes down to how you process it.
I'm sure that others here will have given better advice than my cod philosophy.
Hope all goes well |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:17 - Oct 29 with 643 views | Herbivore |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:14 - Oct 29 by Pendejo |
I've only read OP, not even your follow up
My advice is always BUILD bridges NOT burn them
Without full context it seems you gave some advice to them which they think you use for yourself, and it's easier to give advice to others than give to yourself, it's that one step removed from the "challenge".
Whatever the situation there will be someone who can give good advice, whether it helps or not comes down to how you process it.
I'm sure that others here will have given better advice than my cod philosophy.
Hope all goes well |
I'm not sure anyone else has battered your cod philosophy. | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:18 - Oct 29 with 627 views | Pendejo |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:17 - Oct 29 by Herbivore |
I'm not sure anyone else has battered your cod philosophy. |
I thought I was Skating on thin ice | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:20 - Oct 29 with 619 views | Whos_blue |
Oh no.
Not another good thread ruined by fish puns.
I really have haddock nuff of them. | |
| Distortion becomes somehow pure in its wildness. |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:21 - Oct 29 with 605 views | Herbivore |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:20 - Oct 29 by Whos_blue |
Oh no.
Not another good thread ruined by fish puns.
I really have haddock nuff of them. |
There's a time and a plaice for fish puns, maybe this isn't it. | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:22 - Oct 29 with 600 views | Pendejo |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:20 - Oct 29 by Whos_blue |
Oh no.
Not another good thread ruined by fish puns.
I really have haddock nuff of them. |
Why chip in then?
Rock off and eel be all right | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:27 - Oct 29 with 553 views | Pendejo |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:21 - Oct 29 by Herbivore |
There's a time and a plaice for fish puns, maybe this isn't it. |
You got no sole | |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:30 - Oct 29 with 541 views | J2BLUE |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 15:57 - Oct 29 by giant_stow |
I'm not sure I'm getting this, but just to say one thing that you probably already know: SSRIs are seriously powerful drugs (I'm on them too) so coming off them is no small beer. I'd leave any reaction to this person at least for a couple of days, to give yourself time to process things fully.
Apologies, if that's of no use, but reading the thread, its what struck me. |
I kind of regret coming off Sertraline. Don't really fancy another trip to the doctors though. |  |
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| I need a poll and some wisdom on 07:11 - Oct 30 with 367 views | iaijn |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 20:30 - Oct 29 by J2BLUE |
I kind of regret coming off Sertraline. Don't really fancy another trip to the doctors though. |
If they’re causing unmanageable side effects i get it (I take sertraline too btw), but I think it can be tempting to think the goal is we *should* try and stop taking them. You don’t hear many diabetics trying to wean themselves off insulin. If my mental health remains better with them then I’m perfectly OK to take them the rest of my life 👍🏻 | | | |
| I need a poll and some wisdom on 12:05 - Oct 30 with 253 views | Reus30 |
Thank you all for the sound advice. I do really appreciate it.
I have put a pause on it now. Whilst I do think it is dismissive, I am yet to say anything because I just can't communicate it with any reason right now. As pointed out, I want to build bridges not burn. No point being a supportive human and then torching it at the first sign of communication indifference.
Also coming off the tablets is no joke but I made the decision as life on the tablets was just a little bit darker and the side effects were really gnarly at times. It has been bumpy as particularly the last few days but there are some really good days too.
I have done so much to better myself over the past 18 months plus and so much to look forward to, heavily pregnant wife with our 1st, best physical shape I have been for about a decade, eating better, booze kicked to the curb.
And yet, mentally the last 18 months have been challenging to say the least and I couldn't cope. What has helped is just talking to people has always made me at least 1% better if not 20%+ at times. It's always important to reach out as stated by all. As men, we certainly don't do it enough. | | | |
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