Please log in or register. Registered visitors get fewer ads.
Forum index | Previous Thread | Next thread
Divorce 00:28 - Jul 11 with 5417 viewsJambo

Hello.

As someone who is, it appears, about to get divorced. Are there any sage words of advice from the collective?
0
Divorce on 01:54 - Jul 11 with 5334 viewsSE1blue

1. If children are involved try to keep them out of the break up details as much as possible until you've come to an amicable or acceptable solution. Definitely don't over share during the break up as it totally does kids in and they don't know how to process it.

2. Look after yourself. Temptation is too drink away your troubles but try to do the opposite; hit the gym/pool, eat healthy and try to sleep regular hours. You're about to go through the mental equivalent of Dunkirk where nobody wins...except the legal dudes.

3. Even if it seems amicable now get legal advice so you know where you stand and let them sort out arguments. Really try not to get drawn into trivial/personal stuff that a solicitor can solve in 2 minutes.

4. If you predict its going to be really messy and your ex might cause trouble, do the little things like change online passwords (right now!) and warn family and friends that stuff might get weird soon - hopefully it won't.

5. Don't be afraid to mourn the relationship. It's natural to feel really upset that things didn't work out as you loved them at one point. So let it go and bawl your eyes out.

6. Don't share updates on social media about the divorce, its tacky and you'll only regret it later.

7. Remember that your family and friends love you unconditionally and will help you at your lowest points.

Best of luck. you'll hear it a lot...but there really is an end to all this, even when it seems there isn't.

Blog: D-I-V-O-R-C-E

13
Divorce on 05:04 - Jul 11 with 5255 viewsJambo

Divorce on 01:54 - Jul 11 by SE1blue

1. If children are involved try to keep them out of the break up details as much as possible until you've come to an amicable or acceptable solution. Definitely don't over share during the break up as it totally does kids in and they don't know how to process it.

2. Look after yourself. Temptation is too drink away your troubles but try to do the opposite; hit the gym/pool, eat healthy and try to sleep regular hours. You're about to go through the mental equivalent of Dunkirk where nobody wins...except the legal dudes.

3. Even if it seems amicable now get legal advice so you know where you stand and let them sort out arguments. Really try not to get drawn into trivial/personal stuff that a solicitor can solve in 2 minutes.

4. If you predict its going to be really messy and your ex might cause trouble, do the little things like change online passwords (right now!) and warn family and friends that stuff might get weird soon - hopefully it won't.

5. Don't be afraid to mourn the relationship. It's natural to feel really upset that things didn't work out as you loved them at one point. So let it go and bawl your eyes out.

6. Don't share updates on social media about the divorce, its tacky and you'll only regret it later.

7. Remember that your family and friends love you unconditionally and will help you at your lowest points.

Best of luck. you'll hear it a lot...but there really is an end to all this, even when it seems there isn't.


Thank you for this.
It's not going to be pleasant I know, especially with two little ones.
0
Divorce on 06:13 - Jul 11 with 5203 viewsIPS_wich

Divorce on 01:54 - Jul 11 by SE1blue

1. If children are involved try to keep them out of the break up details as much as possible until you've come to an amicable or acceptable solution. Definitely don't over share during the break up as it totally does kids in and they don't know how to process it.

2. Look after yourself. Temptation is too drink away your troubles but try to do the opposite; hit the gym/pool, eat healthy and try to sleep regular hours. You're about to go through the mental equivalent of Dunkirk where nobody wins...except the legal dudes.

3. Even if it seems amicable now get legal advice so you know where you stand and let them sort out arguments. Really try not to get drawn into trivial/personal stuff that a solicitor can solve in 2 minutes.

4. If you predict its going to be really messy and your ex might cause trouble, do the little things like change online passwords (right now!) and warn family and friends that stuff might get weird soon - hopefully it won't.

5. Don't be afraid to mourn the relationship. It's natural to feel really upset that things didn't work out as you loved them at one point. So let it go and bawl your eyes out.

6. Don't share updates on social media about the divorce, its tacky and you'll only regret it later.

7. Remember that your family and friends love you unconditionally and will help you at your lowest points.

Best of luck. you'll hear it a lot...but there really is an end to all this, even when it seems there isn't.


I'll elaborate on some of these - but from the perspective of someone whose parents divorced when I was 11 (I'm now 45) and whose brother divorced five years ago (with a 7 and 3 year old).

1 - Could not agree more. Some of the accusations and bitterness that were played out in front of me impacted my relationship with my mum - substantially through my teens and even to some extent to this day.

2 - 100%. My Dad hit the bottle and started smoking heavily (12 years after giving up). He was 38 at the time and didn't kick the habit until his late 50s. Now as a 70 year old he's got significant health issues as a consequence.

3 - Agree. My brother and his ex-wife had a pretty seamless divorce - it wasn't amicable and there is still huge hostility; but the actual process of divorce was quick and straightforward because they got legal advice from the outset.

4, 5 and 6 - nothing to add

7 - Yes, yes and 100 times yes; even if you've been a dick and caused the split through poor behaviour/decisions your family will always be there for you. You will also find out who are your true friends and you must cherish that friendship.

Other comments:
- There is no timeline for finding happiness going forward. My Dad (who was the innocent party in the divorce) met someone only 12 months later and recently celebrated his 30th wedding anniversary to my step-mum. They are perfect for each other, so much so that I find it almost impossible to comprehend that my Dad and my natural mum could ever have been a couple. My brother wanted to play the single parent for a bit but then met someone through work about 18 months after the divorce and got married last year - they are very happy and she is a far better match than his ex.

- Your kids will sh1t on you when they are teenagers. The ability to play your parents off each other to get what you want is just so simple. Just add it to the list of cr@ppy things that teenagers do and know they will grow out of it and in time will regret it.

- It is possible that once the divorce is through you will very rarely see your ex. She will drop the kids off but not come to the door, you will catch glimpses from afar. Then at some point in time there will be an event where you and your ex have to be in the same place at the same time - and it will be the first time it's happened properly for years. There will have been so much water under the bridge and you and your ex will almost certainly be totally adult about it. However, know this - for your kids this will be one of the hardest moments ever. They will have built it up in their heads as a massive thing, will worry that you might end up swinging punches at your ex's new partner. The best thing you can do is to not let it get to this situation. Sure, you might come to hate her guts, but 4-5 years down the line you need your kids to see that you can be around each other without all hell breaking loose. I say this from personal experience because my parents did not get in the same vicinity until my graduation ceremony - 11 years after the divorce. Even though I was 22 and a young adult, for me it was the most stressful moment of my life - and probably still is. I didn't sleep for two days before and was physically sick two hours before 'the meeting'. They all shook hands, said hi and did 10 minutes of small talk before the ceremony started. I had played out dozens of scenarios in my head, but them being amicable and polite hadn't been one of the scenarios.

Best of luck.
3
Divorce on 06:55 - Jul 11 with 5104 viewsElephantintheRoom

Divorce on 01:54 - Jul 11 by SE1blue

1. If children are involved try to keep them out of the break up details as much as possible until you've come to an amicable or acceptable solution. Definitely don't over share during the break up as it totally does kids in and they don't know how to process it.

2. Look after yourself. Temptation is too drink away your troubles but try to do the opposite; hit the gym/pool, eat healthy and try to sleep regular hours. You're about to go through the mental equivalent of Dunkirk where nobody wins...except the legal dudes.

3. Even if it seems amicable now get legal advice so you know where you stand and let them sort out arguments. Really try not to get drawn into trivial/personal stuff that a solicitor can solve in 2 minutes.

4. If you predict its going to be really messy and your ex might cause trouble, do the little things like change online passwords (right now!) and warn family and friends that stuff might get weird soon - hopefully it won't.

5. Don't be afraid to mourn the relationship. It's natural to feel really upset that things didn't work out as you loved them at one point. So let it go and bawl your eyes out.

6. Don't share updates on social media about the divorce, its tacky and you'll only regret it later.

7. Remember that your family and friends love you unconditionally and will help you at your lowest points.

Best of luck. you'll hear it a lot...but there really is an end to all this, even when it seems there isn't.


A solicitor solving something in two minutes?

Blog: The Swinging Sixty

0
Divorce on 07:45 - Jul 11 with 4955 viewsWeWereZombies

Divorce on 01:54 - Jul 11 by SE1blue

1. If children are involved try to keep them out of the break up details as much as possible until you've come to an amicable or acceptable solution. Definitely don't over share during the break up as it totally does kids in and they don't know how to process it.

2. Look after yourself. Temptation is too drink away your troubles but try to do the opposite; hit the gym/pool, eat healthy and try to sleep regular hours. You're about to go through the mental equivalent of Dunkirk where nobody wins...except the legal dudes.

3. Even if it seems amicable now get legal advice so you know where you stand and let them sort out arguments. Really try not to get drawn into trivial/personal stuff that a solicitor can solve in 2 minutes.

4. If you predict its going to be really messy and your ex might cause trouble, do the little things like change online passwords (right now!) and warn family and friends that stuff might get weird soon - hopefully it won't.

5. Don't be afraid to mourn the relationship. It's natural to feel really upset that things didn't work out as you loved them at one point. So let it go and bawl your eyes out.

6. Don't share updates on social media about the divorce, its tacky and you'll only regret it later.

7. Remember that your family and friends love you unconditionally and will help you at your lowest points.

Best of luck. you'll hear it a lot...but there really is an end to all this, even when it seems there isn't.


I have very little to add to this sage advice other than it can be a very long road so take it step by step and one day at a time. And as well as the advice about not drowning your sorrows in drink try also not to resort to other chemical stop gaps (especially prescription anti-depressants, someone I almost got deeply involved with - oh, they are making such a mess of her).

Poll: Luton or Dubai ?

0
Divorce on 07:52 - Jul 11 with 4938 viewshampstead_blue

It depends on the tone from you and your current wife.

Money.
The best thing from my folks and myself is to do the financial arrangements yourself.
That will save you a serious amount of money and stress.

My folks did it over lunch.
My former wife tried to get everything. She lost the kids and got nowt, well 10%.

If you are giving a larger portion of the £ to the wife seriously consider getting a 'reversion clause' for when the children leave home. That makes sure that they have a suitable home for their childhood. Don't give it away, it's effectively a long term loan. Far and away the fairest way of sharing the wealth.

Kids.
Be fair to them both in staying with you/the mother and access by phone etc.
Things like school events are huge.
If she gets custody, make sure you put every effort into you relationship with them. It will give them confidence later in life.

Edit;
I don't know how good the new Child Support people are but you need to make sure you agree between yourselves and pay. Be honest even if your ex may play games. It's the kids who will lose.
My ex lost custody and never paid me a penny. I'm owed a 5 figure sum.
[Post edited 11 Jul 2019 8:40]

Assumption is to make an ass out of you and me. Those who assume they know you, when they don't are just guessing. Those who assume and insist they know are daft and in denial. Those who assume, insist, and deny the truth are plain stupid. Those who assume, insist, deny the truth and tell YOU they know you (when they don't) have an IQ in the range of 35-49.
Poll: Best Blackpool goal

2
Divorce on 08:23 - Jul 11 with 4861 viewsurbanblue

I walked out of a toxic relationship with a total Narcissist two and half years ago. She did (and still does) all she can to feck me over. I obviously have no idea of your situation but, in no particular order here's some tips ... What I did anyway, and I can hold my head high ...

I promised myself right from the start to behave with calm, style and dignity ... Always remember that.

I have been for over two years putting up with nasty, abusive texts and e mail. Looking for a reaction If this happens ...

DO NOT REACT!!

Be calm!!

I always wait a couple of hours before replying. Then write a reply just to what is relevant ... Politely! Ignore the noise and opinion that doesn't matter.

Leave it for two hours ... Look at what you have written and edit if necessary.

Sleep on it.

Next morning edit again and send.

Always look at the big picture. Correspondence should be brief respectful be polite and firm. Treat it as you would a business transaction.

Remember, do not react to Opinion ... Deal in facts.

I have done this and have never 'bitten' and sent a text and e mail that I regret and can be used against me.

Do not let your solicitor get you bogged down arguing about sh1t that doesn't matter. Always look at the big picture. They earn so well from letters with people just wanting to be 'right'!

Furthermore, as regards the kids remember

ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING!

I always kept that in mind. God, it was hard when I told the Court Family relationship counseller about what a good Mum my crazy ex is ... but my daughter loves her!

I went from hardly seeing my daughter to 50/50 shared care using these tips and others.

Can probably think of lots more but have to log off now.
[Post edited 11 Jul 2019 8:25]
2
Divorce on 08:53 - Jul 11 with 4768 viewsITFC_Forever

My parents got divorced in the early 80s when I was about 7, and when it was relatively uncommon.
For years, I was the only kid in my class whose parents were split up.... and it really cheesed me off.

As I got older, it happened to more of my class-mates and I came to realise I wasn't the only one, it had just happened to happen to me first.

My Mum then went on to marry again, and he turned out to be a bit of an arse.... drank too much and would take it out on me and my brother - never physically, but verbally - he would always find something to get on to us about. They then divorced after 10 years.

What it taught me is how not to act towards my wife and two daughters, and hopefully I don't - although I guess it's for them to say, rather than me.

P 1118, W 498, D 285, L 335, F 1699, A 1352
Blog: Confessions of a Statto - Why We Bother

2
Login to get fewer ads

Divorce on 09:20 - Jul 11 with 4689 viewsBent_double

Divorce on 06:55 - Jul 11 by ElephantintheRoom

A solicitor solving something in two minutes?


But still bill you for a hours work.

Poll: So what do we think will happen with MM and the Aston Villa job?

-1
Divorce on 09:35 - Jul 11 with 4650 viewsJambo

Divorce on 09:20 - Jul 11 by Bent_double

But still bill you for a hours work.


Thank you all so much for your advice.
Above all I worry about the impact this will have on my children. 6 and 4.

She wants to move back to her family in the North West and leave them with me.

Which, I think is unlikely.
[Post edited 7 Jul 2020 10:03]
0
Divorce on 09:38 - Jul 11 with 4635 viewsMeadowlark

The most important people are your kids.
Don't talk badly about their mother to them or in front of them.
Don't blame her, even if it's her fault.
Whatever happens with custody, make sure that you make your kids your number one priority. Especially if/when you start a new relationship.

All the other advice you've been given is top notch.

It does get better over time, although at present you might think it's an eternal nightmare.

Your kids grow up faster than you can imagine. Spend as much time as possible with them.
3
Divorce on 09:43 - Jul 11 with 4620 viewsfactual_blue

Divorce on 06:55 - Jul 11 by ElephantintheRoom

A solicitor solving something in two minutes?


After five hours billable 'research'.

Ta neige, Acadie, fait des larmes au soleil
Poll: Do you grind your gears
Blog: [Blog] The Shape We're In

0
Divorce on 10:21 - Jul 11 with 4542 viewsSE1blue

Divorce on 09:35 - Jul 11 by Jambo

Thank you all so much for your advice.
Above all I worry about the impact this will have on my children. 6 and 4.

She wants to move back to her family in the North West and leave them with me.

Which, I think is unlikely.
[Post edited 7 Jul 2020 10:03]


Depending how things are, and if you feel comfortable, you might want to let their kindergarten and class teacher know about this when the children have their new teachers in September.

I’m a primary school teacher and I have parents come to me with this stuff all the time. It definitely helps to know why a kid is upset and trust me, we don’t talk about any of it with them, we just help manage the upset and then know why they might be out of character.

Plus it makes parents evening easier on everyone too :)

Blog: D-I-V-O-R-C-E

4
Divorce on 10:39 - Jul 11 with 4497 viewsnoggin

Definitely stay off the drink. I've been divorced for 2 years now and it was going pretty smoothly until recently. Long story short, my ex told me they were going on holiday for a week. The evening before they were leaving, my daughter let slip that they were going to her mum's new boyfriend's cabin. I took it really badly, not that my ex had a new partner, but that there was a new man in my daughter's life. I took to the drink and it sent me into a deep depression. I'm still drinking too much, even though I know the negative effect it has on my mood. It's a vicious circle. Good luck, it's a long hard road.
[Post edited 11 Jul 2019 11:39]

Poll: Which team thread should I participate in?

0
Divorce on 11:29 - Jul 11 with 4386 viewsJohnWarksTash

Some really good advice here mate.

I left my wife nearly three years ago and have found the whole process really hard.

Don't forget to look after yourself. I had over a year of counselling which whilst being expensive allowed me to pick apart why I was feeling so guilty, and how I could counteract those feelings.

A relationship never fails just because of one person's actions, both partners need to accept this for things to move forward. My ex still cannot see she did anything wrong in our relationship and I still have her sister and mother telling me I am an evil man who just wanted to 'shag a younger woman', and yes they are correct in so much as I am now in a relationship with someone 15 years younger than me (I'm 44 btw not 30!!) but that relationship did not start until a good while after we split. However it gives them something to hang everything on.

Don't be a doormat. Start with the assumption that everything will be split 50/50 and then negotiate, and I would suggest you need to protect your pension at all costs. A financial hit now is better while you can work and cover any losses than having to give up some of your pension and worrying in later life about how you can manage.

Get yourself socialising and enjoying any additional time you have for yourself. I struggled to enjoy the time I wasn't with the kids initially as I felt guilty, but now I make sure I look after myself and have a few beers, meet friends, watch footie....do stuff you enjoy.

Like someone else said always be the bigger man. When she is ranting and raging just breathe and chill. The kids will remember the times Mummy was cross and also that Daddy never shouted or made things sad.

Finally...as much as this forum can be a pain we are a supportive community and don't be afraid to reach out. The words of a stranger can have a bigger impact on your well being as they are detached from a situation and can chat without any agenda.

Good luck mate, and don't be a stranger x
1
Divorce on 11:34 - Jul 11 with 4375 viewsbrazil1982

I echo all that has been said here; fortunately my (soon to be ex) wife and I do not have children so the divorce has been pretty straight forward. The finances were a bit of a pain at first but that seems to have been settled and agreed now. Without knowing the background to your divorce, maintain dignity and the moral high ground. Resist kicking the sh** out of the other fella. I nearly did.

Be good to yourself, treat yourself now and again even if it's eating a donut.

Talk to friends and family - there's a wealth of advice and experience (as is demonstrated here!).

Life WILL get better, I assure you from someone who was very very low at the start of the year.
0
Divorce on 11:42 - Jul 11 with 4350 viewsWarkTheWarkITFC

The one thing that cannot be overstated, in addition to lots of very good advice here, is how nasty it can get.

Seen many friends and relatives, who split on good terms, who promised to be amicable and who were both really nice people, turn really angry and bitter and carry out underhand tactics in the end.

Be prepared for it to get horrible and be grateful if it doesn't. You'd be amazed at how people can assume the worst, get angry, misunderstand things and lash out when you're communicating less as you're no longer together. So much can get over analysed and the nicest of people can get really nasty towards the end of a horrible and drawn out emotional rollercoaster.

Best advice before discussing anything that might cause upset, money, house, kids etc is to think about what you want to achieve, think about what you'd want in their situation and think about what is fair. This should help you both be able to offer something that is fair to both parties and be able to articulate, when something unfair is suggested, why this is and how you're not asking too much.

Poll: How many points from 18 would Lambert need to have to actually be sacked?
Blog: Ipswich Town and the Rotten Kitchen Cupboards

4
Divorce on 12:23 - Jul 11 with 4242 viewsJohnWarksTash

Divorce on 11:42 - Jul 11 by WarkTheWarkITFC

The one thing that cannot be overstated, in addition to lots of very good advice here, is how nasty it can get.

Seen many friends and relatives, who split on good terms, who promised to be amicable and who were both really nice people, turn really angry and bitter and carry out underhand tactics in the end.

Be prepared for it to get horrible and be grateful if it doesn't. You'd be amazed at how people can assume the worst, get angry, misunderstand things and lash out when you're communicating less as you're no longer together. So much can get over analysed and the nicest of people can get really nasty towards the end of a horrible and drawn out emotional rollercoaster.

Best advice before discussing anything that might cause upset, money, house, kids etc is to think about what you want to achieve, think about what you'd want in their situation and think about what is fair. This should help you both be able to offer something that is fair to both parties and be able to articulate, when something unfair is suggested, why this is and how you're not asking too much.


I echo this.

My ex started hiding money, paying her parents over £350 a month for 'childcare'. Took me off the car insurance despite agreeing that we could continue to share our 7 seater until I had the money to buy one for myself. Changed her working hours so I couldn't look after the kids while she was at work. Denied me the opportunity to be present at important events in my youngest girls life, but if you mentioned this to any of her friends they wouldn't recognise the person she had become as she keeps up this perfect mother front where butter wouldn't melt.

Just be aware that you don't really know anyone until you are apart from them. It's hard :(
1
Divorce on 12:34 - Jul 11 with 4217 viewsSwansea_Blue

Sorry to hear that.

I've not been in that situation, although know a couple of people who have (with youngsters involved). So feel free to ignore any of this.

1. Keep records of everything you do from now on that's related to the divorce, dates, times, activities, who said what or agreed what, finanacial transactions, etc. Things can get twisted around completely in court (depend on both parties, but people can act completely out of character in these situations). An ex- of a friend twisted and lied to her friends and i the court - you need to be able to defend yourself if that happens (hopefully it won't).
2. Keep it civil and profession - you'll be in a process. If you do anything irrational it could be used against you.
3. Put the kids first.
4. Look after yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends.

Poll: Do you think Pert is key to all of this?

1
About Us Contact Us Terms & Conditions Privacy Cookies Advertising
© TWTD 1995-2024