Please help. It’s 4am and I’m lying in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering whether or not I should go. I’ve been having these feelings for a while now but recently they are more frequent and I find myself in this predicament nearly every week.

I’m 31 years old and I feel trapped. I’ve experienced heavy beatings in the past but recently they’ve become more regular and I’m finding them harder to deal with. Sometimes there are as many as three in one week. When they occur I have to hide myself away for a few days until I feel ready to face people. I’m asked a lot of questions and I mumble my replies and quickly walk away before I become embroiled in a conversation about how it happened.

It hasn’t always been like this. We met many years ago at a club in Aston, near Birmingham. To begin with everything was great and I’d look forward to our weekends together and any other time in the week I could organise around work. We didn’t live close by to one another so I would travel hundreds of miles for us to be together but the travelling was all part of the excitement.

Over the years we’ve tried to keep the love alive, taking trips to Europe and visiting wonderful cities such as Moscow and Milan, but the trips would never last long and as soon as we were back in the UK we’d settle quickly back in to our usual routine. An extension was built on our home to create the necessary space for more friends to come and visit, but as the atmosphere has become more hostile at home fewer people come and now it just feels empty.

I’ve tried confiding in friends and family but they have little sympathy. They tell me things like “you should have given it up years ago” and “I don’t know why you keep going back”. But I tell them they don’t understand and that it’s not the same for them as they’ve never had it as hard as we have it now. I tell them that if they could just see us on the good days they’d understand why I keep going back.

But sadly the good days are few and far between now. I tell myself each time I go back that it will be different and that things can’t get any worse. But somehow it does get worse and I get angry with myself for believing it was ever going to change. Why would it have done?

Perhaps it’s my fault really. Maybe I’m expecting too much. I’ll admit that I do complain a lot more now than I ever used to in the past and the smallest imperfections seem to agitate me further. If things don’t go how I’d hoped or if decisions are made that I don’t agree with then I sulk for days and moan to my friends about it. I’ve considered a trial separation but I doubt my absence would be noticed so I’d only be hurting myself further as I’d be left wondering what was going on while I’m not there.

It’s been suggested lately that we should introduce somebody new to try and liven things up, but we’ve done this in the past and it hasn’t worked so why would it now? I guess I have to accept that this is just how it might be from now on. I suppose it’s not all bad really. We don’t have money troubles like others have and we do have a nice home to call our own.

We’re going away again this weekend to a small town in Yorkshire. I will keep my head down and hope that we have a good time together. I’m not sure if I can handle another beating, I’m still healing from the last one.

Yours, Truly Blue.

BerlinBlue added 13:38 - Oct 1 Like many others have said, a great blog. Well done!
0

RYITFC added 09:47 - Oct 7 Great blog, think it really sums up how we all feel. It's not just a game we go to watch for a jolly on a saturday afternoon, it's a way of life.
0

portmanteau added 13:06 - Oct 7 dear marcus... wondering whether or not I should go.... so this letter is from PJ?
0

Blogs 295 bloggers