Transfer Deadline Day: Herringswell United and Hargrave City in Shock Swap Deal Featuring Brian Capron and Denis Lil.
In a move that has stunned absolutely no one and confused everyone else, Herringswell United have confirmed the ceremonial loan of veteran thespian Brian Capron to Hargrave City, with the deal reportedly brokered during a rerun of Sale of the Century in a disused barn near Ixworth.
Capron, best known for his villainous turn as Richard Hillman in Coronation Street, will take up a player-manager role at Hargrave, where he’s expected to implement a tactical system based entirely on episodes of Last of the Summer Wine. Sources close to the club suggest that Compo will be deployed as a false nine, with Foggy operating as a deep-lying goat.
Denis Lil—believed to be the first Rodney's father-in-law - requires all midfielders to wear headgear “of a rakish angle” during home fixtures. Hargrave’s chairman, Sir Lionel Biscuit, declared the clause “a triumph for hat-based football and a blow to the tyranny of the baseball cap.”
Meanwhile, Herringswell United have received in return a dinner service, a crate of pickled radishes, and exclusive rights to broadcast Sale of the Century on the back of their matchday programmes. The club’s social media team celebrated the deal with a gif of Nicholas Parsons riding a unicycle through a field of confused badgers.
Suffolk is already ablaze with speculation that Capron’s arrival could pave the way for a reunion with former co-star Marvin the Sheep, last seen moonlighting as a linesman at the Occold Cabbage Tossing Regatta.
More updates as they become less relevant. |  |
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