TWTD columnist The Vulture imagines how Thursday 23rd April panned out for the new Town boss.

0700 - A busy day ahead today, so no time for the usual hour of Zen meditation, and the daily yoga session is down to only 10 minutes rather than thirty.

0900 - At the club canteen I ask for kippers. They tell me they don't have any.

After a short discussion with the caterers we agree that there will be a pair of Arbroath smokies for me every day while I'm at this club.

0930 - Meet the players on the training ground. I tell them that I demand winners who will battle for everything on my team.

To that end I gather together all the players who are out of contract in the summer, put them in a cage and tell them they will literally have to fight for a new contract. Last man standing gets another 12 months, and no holds barred.

0950 - A lad called Ed Upson emerges from the cage with a broken nose and heavy bruising, snatches the contract from my hand and tears around the training pitch shouting "Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?". As he does this, he involuntarily spits out a piece of Iván Campo's hair and a chunk of Tommy Miller's left ear.

1000 - Call young Upson into my office for a chat. I tell him I've been greatly impressed by what I've seen of him, and make him club captain.

1100 - Time for transfers. Call AC Milan to enquire about Kaka's availability. They start the bidding at £80 million.

After an intense few moments of hard bargaining, they agree to sell him for 20 thousand quid plus Dean Bowditch.

1105 - Call Bowditch into my office and tell him he's going to Milan "if he knows what's good for him". He agrees.

1215 - Over a prawn sandwich lunch with Ben Thatcher, we discover we have a mutual interest in medieval Italian literature, and spend a stimulating ten minutes debating the hidden allegorical subtexts in Dante Alighieri's Divina Commedia.

1300 - Go to visit Luciano Civelli. I tell him he's a great big pansy who doesn't need nine months to recover from his knee injury.

He looks visibly shocked when I tell him he's starting against Coventry.

1400 - Time for my first interview with the local press, a chap called Dave or Darren or Dwayne something?

As I walk into the room there's no sign of anyone, but there is a list of printed questions and a cassette player with the record button pressed. However, when I looked under the table there was this Derville chap (or whatever his name is), cowering and whimpering "Please don't hurt me!" in a frightened voice.

1430 - I've had tougher interviews. I fielded questions like "Why are you so great?" and "I think Mick McCarthy is an idiot, what do you think?" with ease.

1600 - Met the press, some of whom had never even heard of Ipswich until today.

Praised the club, how it's Premiership in all but name etc etc. The usual spiel. Threw in a good line about the dogs. Told them how it's going to be from now on but was non-committal on the future of Tommy Miller.

1700 - After a tough first day, time to wind down with a laugh. Called Mick McCarthy's mobile, said nothing when he answered, and once he was really scared, hung up. Laughed all the way back to Hintlesham Hall.

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