The Bushtucker challenge
"So me'n'the missus, probably Tone told us 'cos 'e used ter go abroad a lot when 'is firm started making' a bit o' dough, fought we'd try Greece one year, must've been 1990 'cos I remember we got back just before the World Cup in Italy started, 'cos I was worried, like, bein' stuck out there an' not bein' able to watch it. So ah reckon it was May we went. Anyway, we went wiv The Co-op 'cos they 'ad a deal on. Zantee it was"
"So we're at Gatwick, waitin' for the plane, Tone's driven us darn, shut the shop for 2 weeks 'cos it was me an' the missus back then, Paula weren't even born, din't 'ave any ovver 'elp so yer just took the 'it an' 'oped yer'd make enough for the rest of the year. It was a nice 'otel, big pool, yer own balcony overlooking' the sea, looked lovely in the brosha they gave us. Expensive back then, o'course. So we get on the plane, an' we're sat in the middle row with this couple from Redhill next to us, we get chattin' an' they were really nice. Mick and Shirl. She 'ad a hairdressing business in Croydon an' 'e was a spark".
Turns out they're stayin' at the same 'otel, two floors up from us an' on the corner, wiv a bigger balcony an' that an' a bigger double room. Like a suite it was, almost. So we met up a lot, weren't all inclusif back then so we paid fer breakfast an' decided we'd eat out in Zakynfos in the evenin', lovely tavernas they 'ad, loads'o' fish, good steaks, lamb kebabs an' all that. We all had good tans 'cos it was bleedin' 'ot an' we're out a lot, in the bars 'avin a beer or on the beach".
"So it gets ter the end of the first week an' Mick sez to me "Ah fancy a really local Greek meal ternite, summink a bit diff'rent, are you both up fer that?" So I say yeah, but the wife don't eat anyfing she don't know, she's got a delicate stomach an' that. An' 'e goes 'don't worry, bin 'ere before an' I can speak a bit of the lingo, we'll try this Taverna in Kipoi 'cos they serve the freshest seafood an' fish, leave it ter me'. So we get a cab darn there".
"Well we get in this Taverna an' iss eighty in the shade so we sit outside, right near the 'arbour, a few beers ter start an' then a bottle of Retsina, a good one fer a change. Waiter comes out, speaks very limited English so Mick does the orderin' but even 'e's avin a few problems making' 'em unnerstand. Luckily, there's picktures on the menu o' the food, so we end up pointin' at stuff we recognise. I fink I'm 'avin' these prawns in sauce for a starter so I'm 'appy enuff, the wife's 'avin' the Greek Salad an' we bofe order this beef dish as a main, sorta looks like crispy chilli beef from the chinky at 'ome. Shirl 'as the same an' says she recommends it".
"So the starters come out. We start eatin'. Well, these are the funniest bleedin' prawns I'd ever 'ad. They're like all slimy an' cut up small. Sauce was alright though, so I fink 'Blow it, I'm eatin' it'. Well, I manage to clean me plate, but they were chewy prawns, really rubbery, and quite salty. I'm finkin' 'Ope the beef's better'. The missus enjoys her salad but she partic'ly loves the little flaky fish bits they've tossed into it an' wants Mick to ask the waiter what they were. Trouble is, the waiter don't unnerstand so 'e says 'e'll ask his brother, 'oo's away in the town at the moment, to translate.
The beef comes out and Shirl's right, it was lovely, sizzling' 'ot an' wiv 'erbs all over it. So we all eat away 'appily, even the missus. We finish an' decide we're too full for afters, an' we ask fer the bill. This ovver bloke comes in and obviously knars the waiter well, and after 'e's dropped some stuff off in the kitchen, the waiter brings 'im over. He says 'ello an' speaks the Queens well, so we say what a lovely meal it was, an' he smiles and asks us what we tried, askin' if we 'ad the doner an' the fresh seabass 'cos they were the restaurant specialities. So we say no an' we point to the menu an' tell 'im wot we ordered.
So 'is smile sorta drops a bit an' 'e says 'You are brave people to eat the local specials, no English order them normally because they are so special to Kipoi'. So we're sat there, all smug'n'that, an' then he says, pointin' to the wife, 'You enjoy the raw calamaris salad?' and the wife says Yeah lovely, an' 'e goes 'is good'. So the wife asks 'im about the fishy stuff on it an' 'e goes 'Is raw squid, in own ink, shaved small an' wiv conch shaved with it". So the missus goes a bit green and asks what conch is, and he brings one out from the kitchen and whips it out the shell, and blow me, it looks jus' like a big snail. An' its wrigglin' on 'is fork an' 'e says "It is alive when we shave it". So the missus looks ready to chuck by now.
My prawns were ackchully sea cucumber, which is like a big slug. An' the beef was the best bit. It was bull's gonads, deep fried.
We've never been tempted by Greece since. An' we never 'eard from Shirl and Mick again. Fink they felt a bit embarrassed. Especially when the wife hughed up all over the table. We got our own cab back..... |  |
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