| The Warky Championship Report 2025/26: Promotion!!! 11:04 - May 3 with 379 views | Warkystache |
A beautiful day. Cloudless climes. Heat hazes on the Stour and the first of the swallows skating through the air. A packed 9.55 train, standing room only as the announcer at Manningtree warned us. Estuary English for an estuary ride. Surely all of these people weren't getting into Portman Road?
Beers at Manningtree at 9am, the first of several curry-stained belches as we sat sipping the metallic tang of a Cruzcampo. Terry had the sausage and egg bap special - £5.90 for a bap and a coffee, although he upgraded the disposable cup for a beer glass. Me, well, I attempted gastric recovery and waited until breakfast in the pub. There were several blue-shirted home fans around us, all enjoying an abnormally early pint, mainly Guinness, but several lagers. It felt naughty.
The QPR fans at the station, mainly speckled spotty adolescents with bum-fluff moustaches and banana fancy-dress costumes, were adamant we were "F**king it up" and having a party when it happened. They carried bottles and cans of cheap takeaway beer and smelt vaguely of farts and sweat. Must have been warm in those plastic banana costumes.
The walk to the pub once the train had decanted us all was heaving. We debated Isaacs and then The Plough but ended up at The Cricketers, familiarity breeding contempt for paying more than £5 for more beer. I had the blue-plate special breakfast. The bacon tasted like Band-Aids. Mind, it was quick. Loads left at 10.30am for the team coach thingy, flares in back pockets. We relaxed. Service at the bar was easier. That's all you need in a 'Spoons.
We left with the muzzy heads of the late morning piss-up. 12.10pm and anticipating huge queues for entrance. Tel shook my hand as we parted in the road just after the Curve Bar, him to walk round to SAR upper, me to join the throngs for SBRL. Past the fruit lorry, beyond the enticements and fried-onion-taint of the hot dog vans, past the packing-up EADT promotion stand and then a quick vape by the Sir Alf car park. The stewards/security guards waved their wands over my be-jeaned genitalia and fat gut and I was in.
There was a pre-cursor to this. The Friday night curry. I haven't done a report in yonks so thought you'd all appreciate a catch-up in everything Tel. He's now retired from working. His last job ended in March as the bloke who employed him couldn't justify the diesel prices and he was getting piecemeal jobs anyway. One delivery a week stuff. For someone who definitely doesn't need the money, Tel took this a bit too personally at the time, but eventually overcame the initial anger and has now subsided into retirement. Much like you'd imagine Peter O'Toole or Jeffrey Bernard did, the occasional pints down the pub becoming a more regular fixture. He's got two new drinking buddies out of it, both from Halstead, Trevor and Simon. I said 'weren't they on Going Live in the '90's?' He didn't get it. No time for Saturday morning kids telly when you've got a newsagents to run. My 'Swing yer pants' and 'Don't do Duvets' jibes were therefore wasted. He just looked confused.
Mrs Tel carries on. She's now a qualified personal trainer, although who'd need a woman in her 60's to instil them with instruction on running a bit faster on a treadmill belies the fact. She does a lot of work with the more mobile folk in care homes. She's got her own rubber mats. She's doing training in something called Reiki soon. I pictured her in a Kill Bill yellow PVC jumpsuit, casually de-limbing her more obstructive clients with an Hattori Hanzo. Until Tel pointed out "Rekki - iss sort'a' mental wellbeing stuff innit? She's bleedin' good though, take me 'at off to 'er. Calmed me down a few times".
We ordered the poppadoms and the talk relapsed into home life. They took the house off the market in February (Has it been that long since I last reported? Blimey. I'll try a bit harder next season) because they decided to wait and Mrs Tel wanted to finish her training with her sister-in-law, Sandy, who is also now qualified to shout at fat people in a gym. She told me recently that they both felt they wanted to take their fitness programme further, so good luck to them. They provide a much-needed local service to a fair-sized audience who seem to enjoy it. Can't complain or joke about that. Well, you can, but it looks a bit churlish so I didn't.
They're off to Turkey in two weeks' time. "Bit'o'sun before the World Cup" said Tel. We're making arrangements to meet in the local for the England matches. June and July should be good, although I'm away in July. Two weeks in Provence, staying in Aix. That pidgin french I did at school is slowly coming back and I've bought a french/english phrasebook for ordering pastis/asking where the bogs are and that.
The tandoori lamb chops and bowls of basmati and chicken vindaloo and his king prawn balti arrived as we were getting onto the big game. Tel thought we'd win 3-0. He even had a bet. Oh yes, the bets. We're currently £1016 up (including yesterday with a Big Billy Loughnane win in the Guineas). I haven't contributed much to that, as one of Tel's new drinking buddies in Halstead (Simon - 'Swing those pants') is a bit of a pro-gambler and has tipped several winners which Tel has then bet on. He plays poker professionally in London (Simon, not Tel - he thinks a Texas Hold 'Em is a bit like a Reverse Cowgirl). And possibly Vegas, although that's not been verified yet.
The curries eaten and the tablecloth resembling Fred West's cellar floor, we finished our beers and went back to the local at 10.30pm for late-night digestifs of brandy and ice. Mrs Tel was prompt at eleven and came in for her habitual diet coke. The lift home betrayed none of the pre-match nerves I was feeling. Tel was ambivalent to all that. We'd win on Saturday. That was that.
So back we drift into the SBRL, the pitch side heat heightened as the teams came out by those pointless fire box things they use. My seat had a white flag on it. Surely we weren't surrendering to the play-offs already? But no, these were to be waved in drunken semaphore as the teams lined up. Then I remembered it was live on Sky. Still, some people got a blue flag and these looked nicer than the white ones.
The game? Well, if you weren't actually there (and I bet the local pubs with Sky did a roaring trade in town yesterday) it's available on You Tube. All I'll say is that we need to do a fair bit of business to be competitive in the EPL next season. I didn't get the 'troubles' Kieron alluded to in his post-match interviews. Szmodics? Ashton? It surely wasn't lack of funds?
On the pitch, a weird rubbery-textured grass that felt like a peat bog underfoot, at the end along with everyone else, wiping eyes at the smoke from flares and looking out for players hoisted onto shoulders. Then we went home on the train, deciding against the madness in the Ipswich boozers and substituting a quiet few in the local until Mrs Tel came to collect her husband at 7pm, where they were off for dinner in Colchester. I didn't fancy a late supper so stayed and walked back at twelve, a spring in the step and a song in the heart. That may have just been the brandy talking, or it might be a symptom of hope for next season. Still, plenty of time....
See you in the Premier again. I might do a few World Cup experiences as well. You never know your luck....
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| The Warky Championship Report 2025/26: Promotion!!! on 11:14 - May 3 with 328 views | BasingstokeBlue |
Brilliant, as ever!
I'm already looking forward to your World Cup reports and then, of course, next season's. |  |
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| The Warky Championship Report 2025/26: Promotion!!! on 12:54 - May 3 with 207 views | farkenhell |
Did you get to sing Waka Waka? |  | | |
| The Warky Championship Report 2025/26: Promotion!!! on 13:10 - May 3 with 179 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky Championship Report 2025/26: Promotion!!! on 12:54 - May 3 by farkenhell |
Did you get to sing Waka Waka? |
Pretended to sing the first bit. I still can't remember the lyrics!
Mind, I belted Edward Ebeneezer. I've still got a bit of a sore throat today. | |
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| The Warky Championship Report 2025/26: Promotion!!! on 14:26 - May 3 with 95 views | runaround |
Have a good summer mate |  | | |
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