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Pig Tales - An Old Story Brought Bang Up to Date
Written by roysboys on Wednesday, 5th Feb 2014 18:39

Once Upon a Time, not very long ago, not far away, there was country town with a problem, a big problem. The Town was called PigSwich and in the town there was a wonderful stydium in PigMan Road and no matter how well the locals built their stydium it kept getting battered by the local wolves who kicked balls at it and knocked it down.

One sunny day, a very secretive, invisible rich butcher, let's called him Porcus Evans, came to town and said, through his messengers, "I am going to help you build a new stydium that will foil those dastardly wolves and I know just the pigs to help me".

And so he got an ex-Olympigian called Simon Pigg and pig legend Moody PigRoy and said, “Here is lots of money. Build me a stydium to stop the wolves’’. And so Simon Pigg and Moody PigRoy looked around and said to Porcus "We are going to construct a stydium from the most expensive straw that we can find".

Porcus questioned whether straw was wise move but Simon Pigg and Moody PigRoy convinced him they could save his bacon. They spent millions and millions on straw of all shapes and sizes, but mostly on Irish straw, but unfortunately their costly straw just didn’t keep out the wolves.

One of Moody PigRoy’s rasher decisions was to send one of the best ever piglets to market where he sold for next to nothing. He even got rid of his Trotter. Although Porcus persevered it just wasn’t working and things turned sow-er.

Eventually Porcus got fed up and had PigRoy slaughtered. He found a new porker called PaulPig. Now PaulPig had a different idea. "I will build you a stydium from lots of assorted sticks. I’ve done it before, a long time ago. It won’t cost you as much as the last time because I’m going to borrow most of the sticks from other people. I’ve even come up with a revolutionary diamond structure of very old borrowed sticks to base the stydium around."

"Sticks?" said Porcus. "Trust me," said PaulPig. "I’ll make PigMan Road the best joint in town!" He even enlisted the helped of the previously prolific Pork Chops! For a while, it was quite exciting especially when Piggy Bullard was borrowed. But like the straw stydium, the stick version turned out to be substandard and PaulPig’s style was a bit of a boar, so the locals called for a new idea.

So Porcus sent PaulPig to the abattoir and found a couple of wily old hogs, Mick McPiggy and TC Pig. Porcus was desperate. "Please can you build me a stydium to keep out the wolves?". "Of course," said Mick McPiggy, "I know how. Some of my best friends are Wolves!"

And so Mick McPiggy and TC Pig chose to build their stydium out of bricks. "Good decision," said Porcus "But there is no more money". So McPiggy and TC set about their task and found some free bricks, some out of contract bricks, they played swapsy bricks and even got some bricks from the Wolves.

Thankfully they found David McGoldBrick who turned out to be the best free brick of all time! The brick stydium didn’t look great but had a good atmosphere and withstood most of the wolves best efforts to knock it down. "Besides," Mick McPiggy said with a knowing wry smile, "We are in a different league to those Wolves."

The problem was the rules had changed and Porcus says he isn’t allowed to spend any more of his Olympig Millions – even though Harry Pigknapp, Piggy Davies et al seem to be spending as much as they like.

The locals are pleased with the brick stydium and like McPiggy and TC but, oh how they wish that they had the money that PigRoy and PaulPig had wasted on their straw and sticks. What could McPiggy and TC achieve if only they had better bricks ? They could even be prime pork - Premier Pigs!

Most fairy stories end in triumph. But then most fairy stories don’t have to comply with the Championship's own version of the UEFA Financial Fair Play regulations. It’s a case of right heroes, wrong time.

But with McPiggy holding the chopper, at least we’ve got a chance of living happily ever after. Come on you Piggys!


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Gipeswic added 21:02 - Feb 5

dannym09 added 21:21 - Feb 5
top 1 ever

blrmy added 07:52 - Feb 6

cooper4england added 10:12 - Feb 6
Shakespearan. Great work

Greybritain added 10:32 - Feb 6
Amusing. Porkchops!

jas1972 added 19:25 - Feb 6
Now that's good. Has McPiggy saved our bacon?

raycrawfordswig added 00:50 - Feb 7
Made me snort and squeel with laughter.

NoCanariesAllowed added 20:08 - Feb 7
Delightfully absurd. Particularly "I’ve even come up with a revolutionary diamond structure of very old borrowed sticks to base the stydium around."

I do think you rather missed the opportunity to refer to the Chops deal as a pig in a poke though... :)

JCBLUE added 21:56 - Feb 7
Great read!!

MBG added 03:13 - Feb 8
An amusing read but I prefer blogs that provide an opinion and stimulate debate. Regurgitating ITFC's modern history, albeit in a humorous way, without providing a particular view or insight just doesn't deliver the bacon for me.

Bergholtblue added 11:51 - Feb 8
Unfortunately Moody PigRoy escaped on his way to the abattoir and now appears along with the other Sages as a wise pundit on TV. Yes he has become a sau-sage. He likes hamming it up with the others and his relationship with his fellow presenters really has the air waves crackling. I understand he winds down after with a game of back gammon.

That's the end of my puns..... I thank you.

cbower added 20:42 - Feb 8
Enjoyed that! Surely though there was room for a mention of some "stuffing" in there to go with all of the porky talk? We endured a fair few of them under PaulPig I seem to remember!

uncle added 12:45 - Feb 10
Brilliant! There may be the odd old spot of BS, but i'll be Grice and say that it brought a highlight to my day, which is a bit of a Boar thus far.
Cracking Bantu, thanks

Walk_the_Wark added 22:39 - Feb 12
Crap- even with money MM is a joke

Marcus added 02:06 - Feb 26
You missed the bit when Simon Pigg painted the turnstyles blue.

GenericIpswichMan added 13:24 - Feb 26
Great Blog, did amuse me!!

petersongoal added 19:39 - Mar 24
Outstanding! Lovely to see someone on here with a sense of humour!
I feel like you missed a trick on a mention of Phil Ham though!

Dissboyitfc added 07:21 - Mar 27
Absolutely Crackling story !
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