It probably wasn't the best idea to affix fairy lights to a Coke fridge using Gorilla glue.
After swearing at it, then trying to 'wash' them off with a red bucket full of lukewarm water with a bit of Fairy in it, to swearing at it again ("Cow Son" was a new one on me; Tel doesn't like using F or C and even the odd 'bastard' is rarer than people who still buy The Daily Sport) and then scooting off to B&Q for a few hours and coming back with wallpaper scrapers and a big bottle of white spirit, still the glue resisted. When I came into the shop this morning, he sported the smile of a man who has grimly achieved success against all odds. Trouble is, success, as is often the case, came at a price. This one was the removal of patches of the red Coke colours on the plastic, giving the fridge the look of suffering psoriasis, as the white plastic covering gleamed through in several places.
Still, this was the least of his problems this week. No more curry nights down the local came as a shock last night; the chef, a Sri Lankan who went home for Xmas has contacted Jamie the Landlord to let him know she's decided to stay there for 'a few months' to look after her father. With no imminent likelihood of a replacement, it's back to the regular menu of pies, deep-fried fish, the occasional steak, the microwaved chicken curry that no-one ever orders (and worse, fails to eat when they do) and sundry chicken drumsticks coated in sauce that looks like it flowed through Mars prior to landing in North Essex.
"I know someone who'd take over" I said confidently, and then thought of messaging J2. The egg Vindaloo would surely be worth the admittance on it's own? But then sense prevailed and we decided to do two weeks at the pub and two at the nearest Indian. Tel's aghast and upset. This was worse than anything, even his brother-in-law asking Mrs Tel if she wouldn't mind him staying for another two months so the builders can decorate his new house.
Yep, Tel's got Tony for two more months, an alliteration which he spat at me on Friday morning, shortly after he discovered that his assistants had used super glue to stick the fairy lights on his fridge. Still, it's not the end of the world. "'E's 'ardly ever there, over at Braintree most'o'the time, it's not a worldie. Never bleedin' asked me though" (quietly to himself). Tony's come in very handy for finishing off the Xmas booze, and has insured Mrs Tel to drive his Merc when needed, so he's doing his bit. "Bit being the op'rative word" said Tel. Then he shouted at the fairy lights stuck on his Coke fridge again.
We've hit hard times in the footy bet. We watched the Man City v Liverpool game at mine on Thursday, Tel appearing with his unopened polypin of San Miguel and a big bag of dry roasted. We were on Liverpool in quite a big way, £100 to be precise, with Mane to score the first, Liverpool to win 2-0, 2-1, 3-1 or 3-2 and every combination of bet using corners and fouls you could think of. Sadly, only three of these came off, winning us an exciting £17.66 all in all. Tel blamed Guardiola. "'E aint playin' the game, that Gardila" he muttered as City scored and then won it. We had Salah to score at any time at 7/4 (£25) and Tel thought Firmino could've squared it. Ho hum.
The FA Cup third round was another opportunity, only Tel saw upsets everywhere, so we had Southampton, Everton and Chelsea crashing out, yet ignored Accrington Stanley and Gillingham. "I 'ate the FA Cup" said Tel with feeling. He'd forgotten to put the FA Cup special pullouts in today's Sun, so visions of him being inundated with irate punters this morning made me smile. He forgot to put money wallets in the Sun when they did a 'win a fiver' promotion a few years ago and still trembles at the memory of long queues of people accusing him of nicking them.
Apart from all this, he's fine. Mrs Tel is also fine (she was shopping at Freeport with Tony's ex and the kids today). Mickey and Kaylee seemed fine on Thursday morning when I last saw them (before the super glue incident). Mickey, I didn't know, is related to Paula's boyfriend Blake (thank gawd I didn't go and say something nasty to her about him) and they're cousins or something. Kaylee is looking for a new job in Asda in Dovercourt. Both girls stood and chatted as the shop was empty; then they decided to go and have a fag and stood by the back door puffing clouds and laughing. I waved my farewell and went for the car.
Tel's got a hospital appointment next Thursday ("Nuffing much, just a check up and do a wee in a bottle, that sorta fing"). He showed me the sample bottle and wondered aloud how he got his cock in the little hole. That was this morning. Fortunately, there were no onlookers.
And that's it. I'd report on the match, but, let's face it, there's no point. Good luck to Accrington in Round 4. We'll concentrate on losing in the league instead. See you next Saturday for the Rotherham game. Sigh. It's hard to motivate yourself for, innit? |  |
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