| The Warky Report: Scum (a) 19:56 - Feb 19 with 1744 views | Warkystache |
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was just mundane in between. Still, that's enough about my working week.
In the days leading up to a derby match, it's the same old guff. The local papers build it up, rabidly, as "Ipswich's best chance of getting a result", as if the scum were something special, rather than a sh*tter Huddersfield with a sh*tter pikey-looking manager and a sprinkling of players they've spent more on than us. All the usual fears come rolling in; we'll be terrible, we'll play Iorfa and Spence and they'll be three up after twenty minutes, we'll have someone sent off for something stupid, we'll rely on Sears and keep Celina benched for 85 minutes.
I dunno about you lot, but what I want from the derby is a profound sense of pride in my team. Plus a few shots of scummers in tears, particularly young ginger scummers with ears like the FA Cup and acne like a pepperoni pizza. I'd also like shots of Delia Smith pulling that face she sometimes uses, like she's been asked to wash an old tramp's cock, or change her mum's incontinence pad. A good game, ebbing and flowing like the sea at Felixstowe, with chances galore for both teams, is low on the agenda. Sod the neutrals watching 'cos there's bang all else on at 12pm; they've got Gardener's World or something on the other side. Balls to the 'great advert for the Championship' soothsayers. Watch Wolves if you want that. This is a battle.
My week has been mostly spent pretending to smile along with plastic Prem-obsessed fans, the sort who think football started in 2013 and that Manchester City have always been a behemoth in the annals of the sport, the sort who never go to a game but read the Sun's Monday pull-out and think this somehow makes them an expert. By and large, without exception, these people have approached me and said "Isn't it your derby this weekend?" and then made a sort of 'OOh' face, like Frank Spencer on learning he's just inadvertently infected the local Girls Sixth Form with Betty's thrush.
I've had combinations of "You'll get hammered/you're not as good as them; they were in the Premier fairly recently/they've got some fair old players there and yours are just bang average/you're sh*t and it'll be over by half-time". The Birmingham supporters have been largely supportive and, because they love an underdog, many have been wildly optimistic on our chances when they've spoken to me. The Villa fans have snorted and looked amused at my hope. The token Walsall supporter said we'd lose 2-0. What does he know?
Terry, surely my most ardent fellow optimist when it comes to the derby, had us down to draw. He didn't want to, mind. He changed it three times, pen hovering over the home tickbox, twitching like it was possessed. "Bleedin' 'ard to call a win fer the Tarn" he muttered. He then left the game off completely. Then he wasn't happy with the other games and came back to us. "'ed ses a draw, 'eart ses we'll do'em, guts say they'll do us". In the end, he went with his 'ed. I should be pleased 'cos it meant we won £233. But I saw the game.......
Even my Thursday night McDonalds, from a drive thru near Milton Keynes, came with an opinion. The young lad who served saw the Ipswich badge on the car and after he'd finished giggling, he said we'd get done three nil. I asked him who he supported. "Spurs" he said. "And Liverpool". It was my time to smile, a sort of knowing 'you little c*nt' smile, which he returned along with a greasy brown bag full of semi-warm comestibles and a cup of coffee. "D'you want milk?" he asked. Nope. I want the cream.
So to the weekend. A harsh, echoing hangover, with full-blown head, belly and back pain, the sort that makes you see the daylight and wish you didn't have to get up for work, then realise slowly that you don't, and so turn over for another half-hour of that dream of a naked Jennifer Lawrence egging me on to the longest bit of sex I've ever managed mortally (6 minutes). I finally got up, willy like a parsnip, at 10am, and went for a piss and then a shower. Saturday is rubbish when you're playing on a Sunday. I'd done the bet, Tel was away at Gants Hill, supervising the new bathroom, so it was a morning of coffee, fags and raised-leg farts watching the birds on the feeders.
I went for a walk at one. Lovely day, the sky blue and hazy, not too warm, sweat out the old booze and then add a bit more in later, as a sort of reward. The birds twittered, the sea was azure, the beach at Wrabness was golden and smelt of ozone. And a bit of sick (couldn't help it; I told you it was a bad hangover). it was spoilt a bit by some posh woman walking her Labradors, but even that gave me the gratifying, if disgusting, sight of one of them happening upon my vomitus and giving it a happy lick.
So to Sunday. Another, slightly lessened hangover. Bacon and eggs after I'd been to Tel's, him wishing he'd done the scum to win given every other result had come in for us. He's started playing music in the shop on his portable CD thing. "Calms people darn, makes 'em buy more" he said, finger tapping tip of nose. He might need to update his CD's a bit. I had Vangelis doing "Chariots of Fire" as I did the rounds of the fridge, the paper rack and the bread bit. Felt like Nigel Havers running the quad. It knackered me a bit.
Oh the game. Well....the pub was a quarter full round the telly, me, another ITFC supporting mate, a bemused Arsenal fan asking when the replay of Groves v Eubank Jr was on, and three Spurs fans who played the fruit machine in between negative comments about the standard of football in the Championship. They were there a while and, I noticed with interest, there were no sounds of pound coins being chugged out.
I won't go over it again. Joy to unbridled anger in the space of five minutes. Mick's mouth caught saying "F-off" on camera after we scored. Luke Chambers goading the three fingered home faithful. Beer on the floor, down my shirt. The "Your Football is Sh*t" chant caught me asunder. Why bother airing our dirty laundry there, of all places?
"Norridge deserved that" said one of the Spurs fans by the fruitie, his money gone and his wrath clearly linked to this fact. I smiled and said "well....." and he went back to the bar for another pint of Carling top, clearly not in the mood to talk 'little football' with a Championship club fan. I knew how he felt. Especially after I put a £2 coin in the fruitie and it paid the jackpot on the second 50p. Karma? It would have been had we held on.
So to Cardiff on Wednesday. That'll be a harder game, I reckon.
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| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 20:13 - Feb 19 with 1660 views | Luk38644 |
'Why bother airing our dirty laundry there, of all places? '
Exactly what I thought mate while standing there listening to it. The one place and one time a season we really shouldn't be showing ourselves up like that. Slate Mick all you like Wednesday, but against that lot? No bloody way. They lapped it up too, w*nkers. |  | | |
| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 20:18 - Feb 19 with 1627 views | The_Romford_Blue |
| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 20:13 - Feb 19 by Luk38644 |
'Why bother airing our dirty laundry there, of all places? '
Exactly what I thought mate while standing there listening to it. The one place and one time a season we really shouldn't be showing ourselves up like that. Slate Mick all you like Wednesday, but against that lot? No bloody way. They lapped it up too, w*nkers. |
As would we If it was the other way around.
I still can’t belive what I was hearing. Quite frankly Luke, it was embarrassing. |  |
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| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 20:19 - Feb 19 with 1612 views | Lord_Lucan |
| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 20:13 - Feb 19 by Luk38644 |
'Why bother airing our dirty laundry there, of all places? '
Exactly what I thought mate while standing there listening to it. The one place and one time a season we really shouldn't be showing ourselves up like that. Slate Mick all you like Wednesday, but against that lot? No bloody way. They lapped it up too, w*nkers. |
I agree. |  |
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| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 21:16 - Feb 19 with 1486 views | Guthrum |
Ah, superb. |  |
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| The Warky Report: Scum (a) on 07:25 - Feb 20 with 1261 views | TractorWood |
Spot on. The airing dirty laundry point is pretty profound, imagine going to a derby and singing that. The worst part was when Norwich were giving MM some stick and a few of our fans were clapping it. Disgusting behaviour. |  |
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