Good afternoon. I’m a 37 year old record producer and pop star who’s been releasing awful magnolia disco pop/poop for the last decade aimed at the teenage and younger clubbing fraternity. However, recently I’ve been inundated with fan mail from a London based gentleman who’s become obsessed with my music, actually getting to the point where my PA was horrified to find a pair of Y fronts attached to a request for a signed poster for his 46th birthday. I only make sounds for the younger crowd, but will hopefully be collaborating with a few old past it artists in the near future to attract a more mature audience. C H.
Had them round for dinner, but found out pretty quickly that they weren't into the swinging scene, which was a bit dissapointing.
Anyhow, we had been pretty friendly since then, until they got some cowboys in to turf the garden. Feckin tradesmen in at all times, parking across my drive, and being noisy . Tried to reason with the neighbours, but to no avail.
Now, their daughter has got a car and nearly ran the cat over with her erratic driving.
This morning, a large turd appeared on my front garden, our garage window was smashed in and a bloody great leylandii hedge has been planted between our gardens.
What should we do? Mrs SSB thinks it will blow over and they will see reason, but i'm not so sure. They are even spreading rumours we gave them food poisoning*
*I'm sure the lovely tortoise stew she served up was properly cooked.
What are you having then. As I’m home alone, will be doing a rather large sausage casserole with mashed potatoes. Strawberries from the garden with clotted cream. Decent selection of unhealthy nibbley things to gorge on during the game. Peroni.
Since moving into the countryside, the prevalence of the above have become a pain in the arse, so last weekend i purchased one of those tennis racket type thingies that have an electric current running through them to try and keep the numbers down.....and i must say what great fun i have had hitting the little bvggers Andy Murray esque. The noise and spark created as they get fried is a costant source of joy, but i'm concerned all this swatting is going to give me tennis elbow. Apart from being more hygienic, both personally* and domestically, what's the most effective way of getting rid of the little blighters.
Can’t remember going to bed last night, but had to get up at 5 to let the dog out for a dump. I’m feeling surprisingly chipper considering, although Mrs SSB is feeling a tad delicate. Our friends have just surfaced and I feel a fry up in the offing.
Got my best mate and his wife visiting from Rushden for a couple of days. Haven't seen them for nearly a year. Dinner and beers in the local at 3 p.m. Back here for a slow build up, a hard fought 2-1 win against very tricky Ukraine, then it may get a tad messy afterwards.
A few days back, Mrs SSB ,tactful as ever "you're getting a bit lardy love". I took feck all notice and gave her a cursory grunt in reply. However, i fear she might just have a point. I've just seen my reflection in dining room window and in my rather unflattering t-shirt, it appears i'm growing a fine pair of tits.