| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) 15:32 - Oct 17 with 1681 views | Warkystache |
Life is sweet. Morning walks are like a dream, deep breathing and a Bisto-Kid 'aah' amongst the fallen leaves and the late flowering wild garlic, stepping blithely past the dogs**t and the evocative scents of dressed fields and the sucking sulphurous mud of the river.
My cock, slightly sore in that chapped way, rubs against the cotton seam of my boxer fly-hole. I went 'commando' on Wednesday before work, the dusky dawn at 6am with a red sky too good to miss, leaving Paula asleep in my bed, the covers pinched around her bare breasts, one naked leg peeking out from the duvet.
Back by 7am to awaken my bedfellow (how good it sounds and appears; her slanting eyes slowly opening, the purse of her lips as she yawns coquettishly, her smile a balm to my craven soul) for her job co-managing a supermarket in Chelmsford. She showers with me; we share a tender kiss and do each other's backs. Sometimes, when we're early, it leads to sex. Almost every loving action leads to sex these days. That's why I don't invite her on my walks. Gross indecency in a public place may at most involve sackings. At the very least, it's an embarrassment you could well do without. Especially as my erstwhile colleagues would start rumours around my 'involvement' with local dogs or wildlife.
I've been out with Terence as well. He doesn't know any of this yet. We decided we'd tell him together, lest he get the wrong idea and think I'm supplementing my otherwise barren sex life by 'bangin' someone 'oo's pracktickly me dorter, an' she's still marrid in case yer din't realise, yer dirty sod". This conversation is imaginary, as we've not had it. Yet. I have realised that, in this matter, I am a coward. Still, keeps things interesting.
We went down the local and to the Indian on Friday. Paula was working late and she promised her mum a trip to Lakeside yesterday. We felt it might be better for her to do this with her sister and her mum on her own rather than me tag along. I agreed. Her mum has a mouth like a cockney clam. Tel would get to hear of it third hand. I was happy for each of us to be the other's "dirty little secret" as she said with a smile. We'd meet in the pub about nine and get a cab back to mine.
Tel was in good spirits on Friday. Three days off work, a Friday spent driving 'rand'n'rand bleedin' 'Averill dumpin' bits 'ere'n'there' had left him slit-eyed with fatigue but with a thirst like a stoker in a furnace. The first beer evaporated. He did his "Fletch out of Porridge' and swallowed almost in one, then belched like a plughole after a deluge. He sipped the second with overbearing care, having seen the look of naked distaste on my face.
His talk was mainly work, interspersed with Mrs Tel bits ("Got a check-up next Fridee, sed I'd go wiv 'er but she said 'nah Terry, don't wanna take yer from yer work'. Quite sarky, she sounded. Dunno if she's got the 'ump wiv me or not. Still, you knar wimmin. Or p'raps.." correcting himself with a grin "..yer don't"). I snickered back, thinking, Oh what little you know. The first courses came. He cracked the poppadoms into lethal looking shards and reached for the chutneys.
It was during the starters that he mentioned Paula. "Int seen 'er for a while" he commented blandly, focussed on picking whatever meat was left on the carcass of his chicken tandoori. "Reckon she might be seein' anuvver bloke, someone from that soopermarkit she's workin' at, probably some bleedin' marrid boss or summink" he added with raised eyes and a resigned up tilt of the head. He'd spoken to "one of 'er mates, reckons she's 'avin' a bit on the side 'cos she aint bin ter see 'er for ages". He smiled and said "still, yer knar wot rumours'r'like rand 'ere". I asked him what he felt if she was. He shook his head lightly and said "I aint geddin' involved. She's old enough ter look a'rter 'erself. Blake's ledder darn, 'im carryin' on wiv that Polish bird in 'Arts. Stoopid bleeder. They could 'ave bin 'avin' kids by now. Still, ah'm on 'er side. So's the wife. S'pport 'er anyways we can".
We drank brandies after the meal and talked on, him gleefully telling me he'd missed my company and getting slowly more 'loose' with each sip. We left at twelve with Mrs Tel driving me home. I panicked for one moment, just in case Paula had changed her mind and parked her car behind mine on my drive, but it was empty, and I covered it with a backseat chat with Mrs Tel. She kissed me as I alighted and I wished her luck with her Friday hospital appointment, to which she shot a quick look of surprise and furrowed brow at the grinningly pissed Tel. We embraced again and they took off, Mrs Tel saying something to Tel in the front as they rounded the corner. I hoped I hadn't dropped him in it.
The bed smelt of Paula's Coach Floral perfume. I sniffed like the Bisto-Kid again and remembered our embraces in the spot where the pillows 'vee'd'. Then, for once, it was sleep.
Saturday 6am, awoke because I'd forgotten to switch off my alarm clock. Then I realised as sleep slowly departed that I had a few jobs to do before P-Baby came back to mine that evening. Changed bedclothes, washed the old stuff, cleaned, hoovered, dusted, found the tea light candles and put them around the bedroom and lounge (they add that certain romantic je ne sais quois to the house, which otherwise is about as romantic as a Youth Hostel dormitory). I've found one thing about having a regular female lover; you don't half have to clean and tidy.
I went to Braintree Freeport for some new clothes at 10am. They do the stuff I like, plus it's a bit cheaper than Coes in Ipswich. I bought shirts, multipacks of striped socks, a new jumper (Raging Bull) and new Chinos and Jeans. All on my credit card because they'd written to me asking when I was going to use it and promising 20% off all purchases for October. Went for a drink at 3pm (not the local) and watched the Sky Footy thing with Jeff Stelling and was overjoyed at 2-0 up at Cambridge. Came home, showered, cleaned teeth again and gargled with mouthwash, changed into new clothes and leather jacket and liberally doused myself with Fahrenheit, 'cos Paula likes it. Thought about putting some on 'the old man' but then remembered it stings like a million bees, so contented myself with neck, face and chest.
Put the telly on and found we'd drawn 2-2. What? Even worse, they'd scored in the 88th minute. Swore like a navvy for a bit, then settled down to a bowl of fresh chicken soup with some chicken gyozas in it and spring onions. I find if I eat heavily, it affects my sexual performance later. No woman wants a bloke farting on each thrust. It affects the mood. See, Rommers, I remember to teach you stuff when I'm romancing?
Went to the pub at eight. Sat drinking shorts; Glenfiddich, and looking out for my lover. In the end, Paula greeted me by placing her cold, slim hands over my eyes. For one awful moment, I thought she was Tel.
We had a few more drinks. The cab arrived. It wasn't a local cabbie I recognised, thank god. We went back to mine and I made cocktails; Negronis and something with peach juice and vodka. We drank, chatting about her day with her mum shopping and she made me laugh with her descriptions of getting her mum in a changing room to try a new blouse on. Then we sat closer and kissed, her breathlessly, as I held her tight and she broke my clutches to hold my face, her eyes lit with more sparkles than the tealights I'd remembered to apply my Ronson to when I was making the drinks.
We shared a cigarette on the patio. She left her lipstick imprint on the butt. Then we went back inside, upstairs, me cradling her as we walked, her kissing me. Then the bedroom, the duvet nearest the pillows turned back, me placing her gently and fully clothed on the bed, then slowly divesting her of her clothes and she mine as we kissed. She rolled my boxers down like she used to roll her fags outside the newsagents. I unclipped her bra and stroked my face around her breasts, reaching for her cotton knicker hem. And buried my face in the bare, whiter bits I'd uncovered.
Sorry. You've probably all been there. I shouldn't write this stuff. It's private innit? Yet also strangely cathartic. As last night was the last time we'll see each other for a week or so (until next Friday night to be exact as Tel's working and I'm off for two weeks after) I find I need the memories to be written as well as in my bonce. Sign of ageing, that. One day, when I'm eighty and drooling in a chair, I'll need these memories. In an age where nothing is certain anymore, they can be the comfort and the solace I need.
In truth, the bang of her car door closing and the engine starting are now my worst sounds. Not the booing of another bad result, not the joy of a bunch of scum supporters to a point gained against Brighton at home. She left at two. She's having tea with her mum tonight. I can feel the love crystallising in me. I just hope she feels the same. I'm frightened to mention it, just in case this is the 'rebound' fling following the pain of betrayal from a much-loved husband. And, despite all my former cynicism and my self-loathing, I really am scared of her answer to that.
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:42 - Oct 17 with 1620 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
"She rolled my boxers down like she used to roll her fags outside the newsagents."
Now there's a line you don't read every day!
Laughing my tits off in the afternoon sun, Miss Slave has been warned, is washing the kitchen window and is buckled in ready to hear the latest! |  |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:50 - Oct 17 with 1595 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:42 - Oct 17 by BanksterDebtSlave |
"She rolled my boxers down like she used to roll her fags outside the newsagents."
Now there's a line you don't read every day!
Laughing my tits off in the afternoon sun, Miss Slave has been warned, is washing the kitchen window and is buckled in ready to hear the latest! |
Yeah please convey my apologies to Miss Slave. I'll try and reign in the old 'enthusiasm' for the next one. If we're still a couple by then........  | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:57 - Oct 17 with 1571 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:50 - Oct 17 by Warkystache |
Yeah please convey my apologies to Miss Slave. I'll try and reign in the old 'enthusiasm' for the next one. If we're still a couple by then........ |
She used to smoke roll ups....rolled one in mid air just now and said,
"I don't think so!"
followed by,
"Still no 'unbidden,' it was in the first line of my last book!" | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:59 - Oct 17 with 1556 views | StochesStotasBlewe |
Mills and Boon are looking for new authors. |  |
| We have no village green, or a shop.
It's very, very quiet.
I can walk to the pub. |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 16:03 - Oct 17 with 1536 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:59 - Oct 17 by StochesStotasBlewe |
Mills and Boon are looking for new authors. |
Are they? I'll have to buy a bad-tempered Peke and a pink dress. | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 16:05 - Oct 17 with 1532 views | StochesStotasBlewe |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 16:03 - Oct 17 by Warkystache |
Are they? I'll have to buy a bad-tempered Peke and a pink dress. |
Oooh Barbara, you tease. | |
| We have no village green, or a shop.
It's very, very quiet.
I can walk to the pub. |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 16:30 - Oct 17 with 1466 views | blueboyd |
I am strangely erect! |  | | |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 16:41 - Oct 17 with 1447 views | strikalite |
"oh how little he knows...."....I bet this is a difficult one, when is the right time? Do you leave it for now, wait until it's serious enough?
See this right now is arguably the best bit, the first few months , nothing taken for granted, the excitement of newness, I'd be quite happy for this to continue for, well, evermore really, but ultimately someone wants more, the whole living together bit, when you've been on your own a while, boy that's ruddy scary...
Love the " I've found one thing about having a regular female lover; you don't half have to clean and tidy."...............men just don't see dust like women do, or I don't :), and I'm tidying up as she's walking in.... |  | | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 19:40 - Oct 17 with 1276 views | azuremerlangus |
Utter filth - keep it up Warky (oh er missus…) |  |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 19:44 - Oct 17 with 1272 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 16:30 - Oct 17 by blueboyd |
I am strangely erect! |
Uppy or downy, I feel so conflicted and a little bit icky. | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 20:00 - Oct 17 with 1251 views | TractorWood |
Nice one, Warky. Lots to agree with there. Massive fan of Freeport personally too.
Does Paula have a sister? |  |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 20:55 - Oct 17 with 1189 views | peterleeblue |
I take it Tel is not a TWTDer? |  | | |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 02:24 - Oct 18 with 1049 views | The_Romford_Blue |
Of the thousands of Warky reports I’ve read without a single mention, I’m somewhat proud to have made a mention into your first draft of Fifty Shades of Warky.
Happy for you though - although I nearly threw up at the pet name of ‘P-baby’ as amusing as it was. |  |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 06:04 - Oct 18 with 986 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 20:00 - Oct 17 by TractorWood |
Nice one, Warky. Lots to agree with there. Massive fan of Freeport personally too.
Does Paula have a sister? |
Yes. 25 years old, used to be Tel's nemesis when he had the shop (he let her off for nicking because of Paula). Not the same father as P. It shows. She reminds me, in looks, of the singer Jessie J.
Not threesome material though, in case you're hinting/wondering. You can definitely hear her before you see her.... | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 06:06 - Oct 18 with 982 views | Warkystache |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 20:55 - Oct 17 by peterleeblue |
I take it Tel is not a TWTDer? |
Nope. Thank the Lord. He's not THAT interested in ITFC. | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 06:27 - Oct 18 with 973 views | Yallop |
A cracking read. Glad to hear life's good Warky |  | | |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 07:18 - Oct 18 with 937 views | hype313 |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 06:06 - Oct 18 by Warkystache |
Nope. Thank the Lord. He's not THAT interested in ITFC. |
Can't wait to read the next report, the one where Tel chokes on his Dhansak having found out his best mate is drilling his de facto daughter.
That's going to be some read...
In the meantime, Bepanthan..... |  |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 07:58 - Oct 18 with 898 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 02:24 - Oct 18 by The_Romford_Blue |
Of the thousands of Warky reports I’ve read without a single mention, I’m somewhat proud to have made a mention into your first draft of Fifty Shades of Warky.
Happy for you though - although I nearly threw up at the pet name of ‘P-baby’ as amusing as it was. |
"Fifty Shades of Warky" may just be your greatest moment Rommers! | |
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| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 07:58 - Oct 18 with 898 views | Yallop |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 07:18 - Oct 18 by hype313 |
Can't wait to read the next report, the one where Tel chokes on his Dhansak having found out his best mate is drilling his de facto daughter.
That's going to be some read...
In the meantime, Bepanthan..... |
I'd have suggested sudacream but that would be more likely to transfer | | | |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 08:04 - Oct 18 with 890 views | witchdoctor |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 15:42 - Oct 17 by BanksterDebtSlave |
"She rolled my boxers down like she used to roll her fags outside the newsagents."
Now there's a line you don't read every day!
Laughing my tits off in the afternoon sun, Miss Slave has been warned, is washing the kitchen window and is buckled in ready to hear the latest! |
that was the line that got me..😂😂…warky’s such a romantic so and so 👠|  | | |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 02:14 - Oct 19 with 708 views | The_Romford_Blue |
| The Warky Report: Cambridge United (a) on 07:58 - Oct 18 by BanksterDebtSlave |
"Fifty Shades of Warky" may just be your greatest moment Rommers! |
I’m just happy to have gained a mention! J2 seems to get in there with his poxy eggs almost monthly but little old rommers.. nish. Until now.. | |
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