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An Open Application for the Ipswich Manager's Position
Written by BaltachaFanClub on Thursday, 25th Oct 2018 17:43

With the Town job up for grabs once again, I thought I should make a light-hearted, open application for the job my (fictional) self.

Dear Marcus and Ian,

I would like to formally apply for the vacant role at your wonderful, famous club.

My name is not important, as I feel my credentials will speak for themselves, I intend to outline my abilities, qualifications, ambitions and a detailed plan of action to take your club, my club forward to the promised land of Sky/BT televised Premier League.com and all the riches that come with it.

My credentials :-

Since 1993 I have played every version of Championship Manager, and subsequently its successor Football Manager, I have countless titles across many European leagues, and have also had a brief spell in charge of Nigeria. My biggest achievement however was leading England to World Cup glory in 2034 (Australia).

My attempt at management in the MLS was less successful as an understanding of the 'draft' system was lacking, and I ended up signing the very famous Freddy Adu.

Outside of the keyboard, my qualifications marry nicely alongside many of the bookies favourites for your appointment:-

• My brother is a PE teacher and holds a UEFA coaching licence which makes me equal to the Cowleys.
• My uncle has dealt with many shady characters over dealings, which makes me equal to Frank Lampard Jr.
• I was never a talented footballer, which makes me equal to Arsene Wenger.
• My dog has a bank account, which makes me equal to Harry Redknapp.
• I have hit the ground chest first many times, making me equal to Shefki Kuqi.
• I have never held a management position before, making me equal to Steven Gerrard.
• I have a terrible fake Dutch accent making me equal to Schteve McLaren.
• You won’t have heard of me before this letter, making me equal to Gary White, that Portuguese chap from somewhere in the Middle East, and the department of fraud in Brazil.

I could go on, but as you can already see, I can talk my way out of any situation, which again makes me equal to a couple of your previous appointments, Roy and Paul.

I would also like to outline my three year plan for promotion to the financial haven that is the Premier League:-

• My first job would be to sign a big name player, I have yet to identify the one which suits us best but if I am correct someone with 27 characters or more in their name would be immense for the shirt printing department, £1 per letter would make our shirts almost as valuable as the player in them.
• I also intend to sign Max Power, he is a talented midfielder but the promotional value to a name that already features on hairdryers, microwaves, vacuum cleaners and many other appliances would mean we could licence it and bring in huge sums of money.
• I intend to remove all seating from the ground, as we could recycle all that plastic for the publicity, good vibes from them greenpeace lot and once again the money raised could go into our new rooftop garden features on all the stands (which I notice you have begun already on the SBR).
• I want to play attacking football, I intend to launch a new wave of 3-4-4 formation football, introducing a sweeper keeper role into our defence to boot, I have yet to check but I don’t think the 'rush goalies' rule from playground football has been declared illegal.
• Every season we will run a fan based competition to win a professional football contract, I will call the competition 'So You Think You Can Play Football Do You? Well Prove It” its catchy Acronym of S.Y.T.Y.C.P.F.D.Y.W.P.I is also conveniently a town in Wales where we can go for pre-season.
• On top of all these 'bonuses' I believe the fans will be back in their droves, buying every shirt, beer and sausage roll we can sell.
• All of this money that is raised can go straight into the squad, mind you, we will already have the big named player, Max Power and the winners of S.Y.T.Y.C.P.F.D.Y.W.P.I, so we wont need to sign too many more players anyway!
I await your response.

Yours Truly .....

It hardly matters what my name is, the job is mine!

Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.

deliasplums added 21:05 - Apr 26
When can you start?

Superblue95 added 21:17 - Apr 26
You sound a better option than a lot of the other candidates mentioned

armchaircritic59 added 21:28 - Apr 26
Brief spell in charge of Nigeria? You weren't the one sending me begging letters and E-mails, i hope, lol! Seriously, great to see at least one town fan retains a sense of humour in these "interesting" times at the club, and it certainly made me chuckle!

keebsdad added 21:41 - Apr 26
Great post. I haven't laughed so much at a blog on here in a long time. In fact ... have I ever laughed at a blog on here?

Chatty66 added 10:07 - Apr 27
Great post

Gobbs69 added 12:53 - Apr 27

mathiemagic added 13:14 - Apr 27
Just fell off my seat...........LOL Funny !!

Get yourself in the dugout with Matty Holland as your NO.2 and were halfway to the Prem already mate !

liam88 added 16:55 - Apr 27
This is brilliant! Rush goalies!!!! Haven't heard that in a while lol

therein61 added 08:43 - Apr 28
He can't be any more of a gamble than some that are being touted give him a go!!, an enjoyable post by the way

BaltachaFanClub added 07:40 - May 1
Thank you everyone, I have attempted to give you all a vote up, sadly the club are ignoring my application. I think My Brazil reference has blown it.

BaltachaFanClub added 17:36 - Oct 25
Anyone care for this once more?

ronnyd added 20:01 - Oct 25
Bring it on, great blog

Michael101 added 22:18 - Oct 25
Fear sir, 're your application for the managers poison at ipswic h town fc, Regetabley
I have to turn you down because you t qualification s are way in excess for the job,
Yours m Evans esq

westernblue added 12:30 - Oct 26
Brilliant stuff BFC. Thanks for the cheering-up, so sorely needed at the moment. I guess Town could do a lot worse - not least you should be great for morale down at Playford Road. PS: Your acronym looks suspiciously like BFJ, so even better.

kerryblue747 added 10:03 - Oct 28
Thanks made me laugh loved reading this

ElephantintheRoom added 12:21 - Oct 28
A friend of mine put in a fictional application for the MD position that eventually went to Bowden. The joke got even better when Sheepshanks invited him to an interview which revealed the job to be almost non-existant. Strangely the job went to Bowden who had a non-job and was being eased out at the place I used to work at the time.
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