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Advice please - bereavement 13:44 - Nov 26 with 999 viewsuefacup81

My partner's grandmother passed away this morning after having been diagnosed with cancer back in the spring. My partner was there with her when she passed, and I was on my way down to London to be with them all when I got the news. She and her mum are heading back up to Norfolk now, so I've headed back home to get the house all nice for them, and essentially be at their beck and call.

I'm just not entirely sure where to go from here with it all. I've been fortunate enough not to lose a loved one since I was 13, so it's all a bit new to me, let alone knowing how to look after a loved one who's lost someone.

I've taken the day off work today, but my natural way of dealing with things like this would be to get back to normality ASAP rather than moping about the house, that said I know people all deal with things differently, and what works for me might not work for her.

I've no idea what I should do, and what I'd like to do (go back to work tomorrow, go to the company Christmas meal on Friday, and carry on with work and engagements as normal) probably isn't necessarily what I should be doing.

Any advice please guys?

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Advice please - bereavement on 13:54 - Nov 26 with 954 viewsKeanos_Monkey

Just be there for them. Talk to them as much as they want to talk. Ask your mrs if she thinks you should go back to work. You'll be fine.

Get to the game tonight though - nothing you can do at home
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Advice please - bereavement on 13:54 - Nov 26 with 954 viewsEly_Blue

My condolences to your partners family.

There is no right or wrong way about things here and there is certainly no rule book. As someone who lost a parent this year unexpectedly I needed to be there for my family and them for me, my wife took care of the day to day stuff at home, with my son etc etc so that all I had to concentrate on was my immediate family.

If you can do that for your partner then that will allow them to concentrate on what is important to them at the moment which is their immediate family

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Advice please - bereavement on 13:55 - Nov 26 with 953 viewshoppy

Sorry to hear of the loss.

I'm involved in a small business association that had this charity as our charity of the year, so heard a bit about what they do, and how helpful they've been to people in similar circumstances, so it may be of help for you to have a look.

https://www.suffolkcruse.co.uk

or if you're not particularly covered by Suffolk areas, here's another link to other areas in Eastern England.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/local-services/eastern-england
[Post edited 26 Nov 2019 13:58]

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Advice please - bereavement on 14:12 - Nov 26 with 880 viewsDistantBlue

Advice please - bereavement on 13:55 - Nov 26 by hoppy

Sorry to hear of the loss.

I'm involved in a small business association that had this charity as our charity of the year, so heard a bit about what they do, and how helpful they've been to people in similar circumstances, so it may be of help for you to have a look.

https://www.suffolkcruse.co.uk

or if you're not particularly covered by Suffolk areas, here's another link to other areas in Eastern England.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/local-services/eastern-england
[Post edited 26 Nov 2019 13:58]


Top advice Hoppy
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Advice please - bereavement on 14:14 - Nov 26 with 874 viewsPendejo

Pendejo's rule of decision making - "Whatever you do is wrong!" Once you've accepted that you are half way there.

Communication - What does your partner want?
My grand parents were all gone before my 17th birthday, and whilst I felt a sense of loss it was nothing to what my parents will have felt. So it may well be more that your partner wants to support their mum.

Probably not a good time to ask, so take tomorrow off. Be available, make the tea etc.
Then when you get the feel for the mood broach the tricky questions you outline esp. the Christmas Bash.

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Advice please - bereavement on 14:16 - Nov 26 with 872 viewsitfcjoe

Everyone deals with it differently, which isn't much help.

One thing I know a couple of people close to me found really helpful, and it sounds silly, is food.

If you can make up a big batch of dinner, take a plate round to mother in law or a few things so she can just chuck them in the microwave. Or go round and cook her something, and do the same for your partner.

A distraction and also helpful as means they do get to eat a proper dinner.

With regards to work xmas do and days off just ask whether they want you there or not and then do what they say. Don't crowd them if they want space but also don't get steaming at Xmas do and struggle through the next day!

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Advice please - bereavement on 14:31 - Nov 26 with 804 viewsOxford_Blue

Be focussed on your partner and her feelings and be supportive and extra considerate.

Grief is horrible but part of dealing with letting go of loved ones.

It will get better in time but when it’s raw it’s very hard.
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Advice please - bereavement on 14:35 - Nov 26 with 789 viewsDeano69

Advice please - bereavement on 13:55 - Nov 26 by hoppy

Sorry to hear of the loss.

I'm involved in a small business association that had this charity as our charity of the year, so heard a bit about what they do, and how helpful they've been to people in similar circumstances, so it may be of help for you to have a look.

https://www.suffolkcruse.co.uk

or if you're not particularly covered by Suffolk areas, here's another link to other areas in Eastern England.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/local-services/eastern-england
[Post edited 26 Nov 2019 13:58]


Cruse are excellent. Had reason to have contact with them in a very horrible set of circumstances (not my own but a close friend). Personally, I think they saved his life after losing a toddler.

Message to all - Have them in your thoughts if you are in a position to raise funds for them at any point.

Sincere condolences for your loss, some great advice already here. All I would add is just be tolerant of mood swings, grumpiness, unreasonableness and being a bit distant. Dont make this situation a wedge between your own relationship.
[Post edited 26 Nov 2019 14:37]

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Advice please - bereavement on 14:49 - Nov 26 with 739 viewsfactual_blue

Be there to support them as best you can. Let them know that'll you'll do all you can to keep the mundane day-to-day stuff (shopping, bills or whatever) ticking over. That'll be a great help in itself. Where there's an opportunity to involve them (even if it's just asking what shopping they want), do so. It will help to gently remind them that life goes on. Don't rush them.
Don't be afraid to talk about your partner's grandmother: in my experience people would rather have other around them who are willing to talk openly about the deceased, rather than those who find it all difficult/embarrassing.

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Advice please - bereavement on 14:49 - Nov 26 with 738 viewsBasingstokeBlue

Advice please - bereavement on 13:54 - Nov 26 by Ely_Blue

My condolences to your partners family.

There is no right or wrong way about things here and there is certainly no rule book. As someone who lost a parent this year unexpectedly I needed to be there for my family and them for me, my wife took care of the day to day stuff at home, with my son etc etc so that all I had to concentrate on was my immediate family.

If you can do that for your partner then that will allow them to concentrate on what is important to them at the moment which is their immediate family


Good advice. I lost my father last week and my partner's been wonderful at handling my moods and emotions and driving me out to be with my mother whenever I want.

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Advice please - bereavement on 18:09 - Nov 26 with 567 viewsBloomBlue

As has already been said on here in bereavement there isnt a right or wrong way for someone to grieve. While someone may cry/get very upset another person may not. While someone may want to talk about it, another person may not. But all are acceptable, dont judge how an individual wants to grieve. Try to offer the support an individual needs, if they want to talk find the time to talk with them, if they want to be on their own find them the space.

This isnt a one size fits all situation, except the important thing is they must grieve. We all have to grieve if we dont it's like a pressure cooker.

So don't judge just try and offer what help you believe they need, you'll make mistakes we all do, but they will know you are trying and there for them.
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