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[Blog] Doctor Doctor Give Me The News - Betting Tips for the Sick and Twisted
Written by SE1blue on Wednesday, 11th Jan 2012 12:23

I have quite a bit of sympathy this week for Jimmy Bullard. For five days now I have been in bed with a very bad case of norovirus.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had a norovirus infection but for those of you who haven’t, here are some of the symptoms; projectile vomiting, liquid diarrhoea, uncontrollable shivering, excessive sweating, a soaring fever and the overwhelming desire to cry “Mummy!”.

It was about 10pm on Friday evening when I knew something was wrong inside me. Normally, the sound of trapped wind rumbling across my stomach, like distant thunder on an African plain, can be resolved by the lifting one buttock from the sofa and disguising its change of journey with a gentle cough.

However, on this occasion, I realised that there was a much darker storm brewing and that the heavens were about to open with serious vengeance. So I dashed upstairs and headed for the bathroom. It was about halfway there that my brain was having an argument with itself as to whether it was my head or my bum that should be pointed at the porcelain. With no time to lose I chose to sit on the loo and vomit into the adjacent sink as my body exploded from both ends.

From an early age I have always been fascinated by what my body can do. On occasions, this has got me into some embarrassing situations and awkward conversations with my GP.

“David, cotton buds are for girls, and only meant for the ears”

Nevertheless, this hasn’t stopped my endless curiosity with the flesh and bones that hold my body together. If there is something to be squeezed, popped, scratched, picked, plucked, rubbed, shaved or prodded from the ensemble Mother Nature has provided me, then you can guarantee I’ve ticked that box.

As a result, my doctor and I have got to know each other very well over the last 38 years. Whilst he might describe me as a “hyperchondriac”, I prefer the term ‘vulnerable adult’. But this man has sorted me out with more quality drugs than any of the top dealers on my housing estate ever did.

It’s lucky that medicines have an expiry date, otherwise I would have a drugs haul under my kitchen sink to rival that of the very best Heathrow customs officer. It’s only a shame that chemists don’t offer a loyalty card.

Despite all of my issues, I recognise that a small crumb of comfort is knowing that my personal problems have not just been an education for me. I feel that Dr Bokla, his colleagues at Borough Medical Practice, the doctors, nurses and students at Guys Hospital, and science itself have benefited from my misfortune.

Dr Bokla is a man of little patience, a heavy frown and, I have increasingly found, a huge fan of sarcasm. However, I cannot fault his efforts in solving the medical mystery that I had once called ‘The Curious Case of the Eerie Ears’.

Last summer, I woke up one morning with a ghostly noise filling my ears. If I turned my head to the left, a ghost would “Woo!” in my right ear. If I looked to the right, the ghost would get louder in my left ear.

I held my nose and blew hard trying to make my ears pop. Nothing. I looked for my cotton buds, before I remembered they had been thrown out when Dr Bokla cracked the unfortunate, and most unpleasant case, known as ‘The Heinous Penis’ (see above).

So, an hour later, I was in Dr Bokla’s very capable hands, although I felt his approach of trying to shake the suspected water free from my ears, by holding my neck, was a little unusual. This didn’t work, nor did his search of the internet for any suitable drugs, so he sent me off to Guys Hospital ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) department.

With the ghost tormenting my ears every step of the way, I fought my way through the busy streets of whining beggars, the “I-can’t-get-a-job” work-dodgers, the scary mentalists, half a dozen irritating charity fundraisers and the fabricated sick-noters, desperate to sort out my very real issue. But I did it!

Well, to a cut a very long story short, after seeing two different consultants (how was I to know she wasn’t leaning in for a kiss, but was going to have a look in my ear?), the medical marvels discovered I have an allergy to beer.

Apparently the yeast causes an allergic reaction, producing water inside the inner part of my ear, and thus a ghostly wooing noise whenever I move my head. This condition can be simply resolved by not drinking beer.

However, Dr Bokla has suggested that I try and find out which other beers and alcoholic drinks I am also allergic to. I have asked him if I should stop taking my numerous medications during this experiment but he has suggested that maybe doubling the dose and undertaking some everyday activities (driving, swimming, cooking etc) might just help complete the test more thoroughly.

See you in Birmingham!

Here are this week's predictions…

Draw Doubles
Blackburn v Fulham
Crystal Palace v Leeds

Millwall v Birmingham
Sheffield Wednesday v Charlton

Swansea v Arsenal
West Brom v Norwich

Accumulator
Tottenham
Manchester United
Leicester
Huddersfield

Correct Score Predictions
Birmingham 1 Ipswich 4 (200/1 on Boylesports.com…lump on!)
Ipswich 4 Blackpool 1




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Nunn_the_Wiser added 12:44 - Jan 11
I had the same thing before Christmas, absolutely horrific.
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ITFCOYB added 12:51 - Jan 11
Echoes of Wodehouse in there...

Great as always.

COYB
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Bluejake added 12:57 - Jan 11
Great read SE1blue as always and made me laugh out loud even though it was as a result of you not feeling very well Love your blogs though, keep 'em coming but a bit worried that you think we're capable of scoring eight goals in two games with only two in reply - maybe best if you paid another visit to Dr Bokla, I'm sure he can find something to give you for these delusional thoughts!
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llewej_tuo added 13:50 - Jan 11
JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT JEWELL OUT
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Tractorog added 14:42 - Jan 11
Hugely enjoyable blog. The only thing on this site to cheer me up.
Get well soon.
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Venta added 15:17 - Jan 11
Great read as always SE1blue!
Being a doctor myself, I would recommend for you half a bottle of Nightnurse followed by vigorous operation of heavy machinery.
And I'd like to nominate Dr Bokla for a sainthood ;o)

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SE1blue added 15:46 - Jan 11
Thanks for the comments guys - very kind.

Back to the coal face tomorrow, although that'll be a welcome break from daytime tv and watching stuff like a family from Barnsley decide whether to move to a five bed house in sunny Brisbane or stay working in a biscuit factory back in the UK.

But if we beat Brum 4-1 I might just stay in bed...
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Back_The_Boss added 16:55 - Jan 11
Great read SE1, thought you had given up as there have been no blogs for a while! keep 'em coming mate.
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Back_The_Boss added 20:18 - Jan 11
1-1, just need Town to score three more now eh!!
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StavangerBlue added 08:46 - Jan 12
I alo got the norovirus for the first time last year and it was horrific. Several hours, 1am to 5am, sat naked shivering on the toilet with a bucket on my knees with projectile vomiting, liquid diarrhoea, uncontrollable shivering, excessive sweating and soaring fever. Awful. Get well soon and drink lots of water.
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sonian_blue added 14:37 - Jan 12
Excellent as ever SE and good luck for this weekends predictions.

Ashamed to say I had a fiver on Zigic at 11/2 to score first at the ground last night.
Gives me no satisfaction that it copped...but covered my fuel costs. Hopefully some of you will know where I am coming from with this.
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SE1blue added 18:08 - Jan 12
BacktheBoss...it was all looking so good for um, erm, 5 minutes. Thanks for comments.
Stavanger...thanks, I've never been that dehydrated, water was definitely the only remedy. Still can't face cooked food though.
Sonian...Cheers. My accumulator is probably the most cautious ever but whenever I bet on Huddersfield they screw up...approach with caution. Totally understand the Zigic bet...I had Norwich to beat us 4-1 last season, just a quid, but won £66.
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Back_The_Boss added 17:33 - Jan 14
Unlucky SE1, can't believe Birmingham won 6-0!
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