|[Blog] People Are Strange - Betting Tips for Normal People|
Written by SE1blue on Thursday, 19th Jan 2012 20:15
We’re all excited about the transfer window and the possibility of new recruits at Portman Road, but I wonder how the players are feeling. Different people can bring different qualities to different jobs, that can make life better. But the unknown can also deliver some nightmare results. I’ve known my fair share.
When I was 16 years old I got a summer job with my mate Laurence at a huge mansion house in Suffolk that specialised in recreations of Tudor life. We spent two hot and sticky months in a souvenir shop selling Tudor bookmarks, Tudor pencils and ye olde Tudor luminous bouncy balls to stupid tourists and annoying school kids.
Despite being more worried about the spots on our faces than sticking our fingers in the till, management provided us with a supervisor, a middle-aged American, called Geoff.
Since 1989, my eyes have probably seen a million different people and heard over a thousand different voices, but none of them have ever compared to Geoff. He was a small man, five foot four inches tall, with a face like a goblin.
He had hair nearly all over his head, except where it allowed space for his bloodshot eyes (that were too close together), his large strawberry nose and his lips that were pursed like he was permanently playing the trumpet. But things only got stranger when he opened this mouth.
“Did I tell you about the time I was in Thailand?”
Laurence looked at me, I looked at Laurence, both of us hoping that the other had heard this story before, because, after a couple of weeks in his company, we knew and feared what Geoff could come out with next.
Geoff was like watching Jackanory on drugs. He was a strong cocktail of lies and exaggerated half-truths. He was born and raised in Idaho, or as he called it, “Ida-f**king-ho”. His dad was a lumberjack, who died when he cut off the branch he was sitting on. His mother had been one of Bing Crosby’s original groupies and Geoff often asked us if we could see a likeness between himself and the 1940s crooner.
It didn’t stop there. Apparently, Geoff had fought in the Vietnam War. Laurence and I figured he was probably based somewhere between the towns Bol Shee Ting and He Li Ing. But with every place he had visited, or person he had met, there was a story of some sexual exploit he felt two nervous teenage virgins needed to know about.
“Hey Dave, do you know how I once made an Eskimo woman scream all night?”
That’s what I had wanted to reply with, but in reality, cowardice reduced me to just shaking my head and receiving another ten-minute narrative from Geoff on what frostbite could do to your private parts and the complexities of removing clothing made of sealskin.
Geoff was a prime example that you can choose where you work, but you can’t choose who you work with. But Geoff is just one of many nutters I have had the misfortune to work with. I once worked with a woman who insisted she was a mermaid and changed her name to Morgan because it means ‘of the sea’. Sadly, this wasn’t at the time when I was employed as a lifeguard (a mermaid would have been a useful addition to the team) but when I was working in mental health. Sometimes, the staff can have too much empathy with the client group.
This was worrying, but then she told me about her son who was a train driver. Apparently, he didn’t like it when the train he was driving reached speeds of over 60mph because this was, in his words, “terribly frightening” and he would close his eyes until a more serene speed had been reached.
He reminded me of my sister's window cleaner who realised he was scared of heights one afternoon. Unfortunately, this epiphany occurred when he was up a ladder throwing a cloth over some dirty panes two storeys up. The fire brigade suggested a change of career.
I’ve also worked with a guy who brought a complete change of clothes to work every day because “You never know what might happen!”. Funnily enough, I knew exactly what would happen every single day at the postal delivery office in Kettering, and nothing that ever got the excitement levels to a point where I needed to change my clothes.
At the end of the day, you have to remember that crazy people are everywhere. The best thing to do is assume that every single person you meet, whether at work or in the street, is a complete lunatic and out to harm you. This way you will never be wrong and always be safe.
Here are this week’s predictions.
Norwich v Chelsea
Notts County v MK Dons
Correct Score Prediction
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