| Alzheimer's Disease advice 09:20 - May 12 with 1520 views | GlasgowBlue |
I’m flying down to Dorset later today to spend some time with my 85 year old uncle who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.
His partner says he has deteriorated very quickly and he has had difficulty knowing who I am whenever I have called. So I’m looking for some advice.
I’m going to bring some photos of when I was younger and with my mum and dad to see if that triggers something. Will that work? Will he slip in and out of remembering things. This is the first time had this experience so any advice on what to expect or how to handle it would be grateful. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:25 - May 12 with 1401 views | EdwardStone |
Do you have a bluetooth speaker for your phone?
Do you know some of his favourite music?
Maybe Flanders and Swann?... Noel Coward?.... something from musicals like West Side Story?
Apparently music is one of the last things to fog over in a fading memory.
I put on tunes like that when I visit my aging Mum, we enjoy a good sing-song together |  | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:29 - May 12 with 1382 views | Somersetractor |
I guess every case is slightly different. But I found speaking to my father about people, cars, events in the past, allowed for 'in the moment' conversations. There will undoubtedly be awkward moments, but after a while, you will key into his condition I'm sure. |  | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:31 - May 12 with 1363 views | bluelagos |
First off, good on you for helping in whatever way you can.
My experience is not professional - but offered in good intent.
First off, try not to argue/challenge anything that is said (no matter how fanciful) - challenging it will achieve little other than agitate the person concerned.
Live in the moment - that is all the individual can do - so if that means a walk, a chat, reminicing, go for it.
I had a good friend (now sadly died) who could remember long time ago, nothing of 10 mins ago. So we chatted about happy memories from years earlier. Luckily they remembered me so that was easy.
And prepare yourself for maybe not being remembered. A grandmother thought I was her son (some likeness) so I played that role for a couple of hours - knowing she was happy her son and popped in to see her.
Photos seems a good idea - and maybe some music from their youth to listen to.
Good luck with it - just be patient and remember that people can get frustrated and angry too - must be so hard knowing things are going south but not really understanding what is going on. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:35 - May 12 with 1305 views | NthQldITFC |
I'm just learning how to deal with the early stages of dementia in a loved one.
What I've found most helpful so far is a book called Contented Dementia by Oliver James https://www.waterstones.com/bo
Older memories should still be there and, if happy ones, should be comfortable to talk about, but be a bit oblique about asking direct questions which can cause trauma if the answer isn't easy to find.
Try to avoid asking questions as much as possible (particularly about recent things) and help your uncle to talk about old memories he's comfortable with, even if it's repetitive for you.
Rather than asking "Would you like a cup of tea?" for example (where he might think "have I just had one?", "is there enough milk?" etc.) say "I think we should have a cup of tea", which just allows him to let you take responsibility for all those silly little things he can't remember.
edit: ..and probably a good idea to find a way to let him feel he's giving you 'expert' opinion on subjects he's been interested in earlier in his life, always trying to avoid asking questions which might be challenging. Be oblique with indirect leading questions like "I suppose that's why they do it that way?" rather than "Why do they do it that way?" [Post edited 12 May 9:38]
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:39 - May 12 with 1277 views | Pinewoodblue |
The last time I visited my mother(98) in hospital she didn’t recognise me just kept saying Brian hasn’t come to see me. She recognised my wife though. All I could do was make excuses as to why I wasn’t there.
A friend’s wife had Alzheimer’s. He had been very ill and lost several stone. She didn’t recognise him and said “you’re not my Dickie he was big.
If your Uncle rejects you would suggest you don’t push it too hard. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:50 - May 12 with 1227 views | Pinewoodblue |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:39 - May 12 by Pinewoodblue |
The last time I visited my mother(98) in hospital she didn’t recognise me just kept saying Brian hasn’t come to see me. She recognised my wife though. All I could do was make excuses as to why I wasn’t there.
A friend’s wife had Alzheimer’s. He had been very ill and lost several stone. She didn’t recognise him and said “you’re not my Dickie he was big.
If your Uncle rejects you would suggest you don’t push it too hard. |
Music can be a good connect.
I mentioned a friend’s wife. We would go to a 60’s music festival, she would sing along with every song but once the music stopped she would disconnect and wander off. Many a time I would follow her, take her by the hand and take her back to our table. Start talking about who the next act was and she would reconnect. | |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:58 - May 12 with 1150 views | jas0999 |
My father passed away from Alzheimer’s and Dementia last September. He supported Ipswich since the sixties.
Dad was very ill towards the end.
During the decline, it’s important to note that some days were better than others. Some days he recognised me. Others he didn’t. Talking and listening to music was a big help. The other point to note is not to try to correct an Alzheimer’s patient. Dad often thought his mum and dad were still alive. Saying otherwise made him very anxious.
It’s a tough one. But I hope your visit goes as well as it can. | | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 10:00 - May 12 with 1151 views | Radlett_blue |
my 92yo mother in law has been suffering from dementia for a few years. I can only speak of my experience - her short term memory is near non existent, but she does have reasonable(if erratic) recall of events from long ago. Some old photos might be a good idea, but this is a progressive, degenerative disease and there are no known cures.
Some people with dementia are simply confused; some can get very angry when they can't remember things. Fortunately my mother in law has been in the former category. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 10:00 - May 12 with 1146 views | wischip |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:35 - May 12 by NthQldITFC |
I'm just learning how to deal with the early stages of dementia in a loved one.
What I've found most helpful so far is a book called Contented Dementia by Oliver James https://www.waterstones.com/bo
Older memories should still be there and, if happy ones, should be comfortable to talk about, but be a bit oblique about asking direct questions which can cause trauma if the answer isn't easy to find.
Try to avoid asking questions as much as possible (particularly about recent things) and help your uncle to talk about old memories he's comfortable with, even if it's repetitive for you.
Rather than asking "Would you like a cup of tea?" for example (where he might think "have I just had one?", "is there enough milk?" etc.) say "I think we should have a cup of tea", which just allows him to let you take responsibility for all those silly little things he can't remember.
edit: ..and probably a good idea to find a way to let him feel he's giving you 'expert' opinion on subjects he's been interested in earlier in his life, always trying to avoid asking questions which might be challenging. Be oblique with indirect leading questions like "I suppose that's why they do it that way?" rather than "Why do they do it that way?" [Post edited 12 May 9:38]
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I also bought that book by Oliver James and found it very helpful advice. |  | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 10:09 - May 12 with 1106 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:39 - May 12 by Pinewoodblue |
The last time I visited my mother(98) in hospital she didn’t recognise me just kept saying Brian hasn’t come to see me. She recognised my wife though. All I could do was make excuses as to why I wasn’t there.
A friend’s wife had Alzheimer’s. He had been very ill and lost several stone. She didn’t recognise him and said “you’re not my Dickie he was big.
If your Uncle rejects you would suggest you don’t push it too hard. |
That must have been really hard, my lesson had been to try and find humour in troubling things! |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 10:13 - May 12 with 1085 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:35 - May 12 by NthQldITFC |
I'm just learning how to deal with the early stages of dementia in a loved one.
What I've found most helpful so far is a book called Contented Dementia by Oliver James https://www.waterstones.com/bo
Older memories should still be there and, if happy ones, should be comfortable to talk about, but be a bit oblique about asking direct questions which can cause trauma if the answer isn't easy to find.
Try to avoid asking questions as much as possible (particularly about recent things) and help your uncle to talk about old memories he's comfortable with, even if it's repetitive for you.
Rather than asking "Would you like a cup of tea?" for example (where he might think "have I just had one?", "is there enough milk?" etc.) say "I think we should have a cup of tea", which just allows him to let you take responsibility for all those silly little things he can't remember.
edit: ..and probably a good idea to find a way to let him feel he's giving you 'expert' opinion on subjects he's been interested in earlier in his life, always trying to avoid asking questions which might be challenging. Be oblique with indirect leading questions like "I suppose that's why they do it that way?" rather than "Why do they do it that way?" [Post edited 12 May 9:38]
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Trying to convince my Mum to come and live with us and somehow make it feel like it's her idea is our biggest challenge right now. | |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 11:16 - May 12 with 970 views | SmithersJones |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:31 - May 12 by bluelagos |
First off, good on you for helping in whatever way you can.
My experience is not professional - but offered in good intent.
First off, try not to argue/challenge anything that is said (no matter how fanciful) - challenging it will achieve little other than agitate the person concerned.
Live in the moment - that is all the individual can do - so if that means a walk, a chat, reminicing, go for it.
I had a good friend (now sadly died) who could remember long time ago, nothing of 10 mins ago. So we chatted about happy memories from years earlier. Luckily they remembered me so that was easy.
And prepare yourself for maybe not being remembered. A grandmother thought I was her son (some likeness) so I played that role for a couple of hours - knowing she was happy her son and popped in to see her.
Photos seems a good idea - and maybe some music from their youth to listen to.
Good luck with it - just be patient and remember that people can get frustrated and angry too - must be so hard knowing things are going south but not really understanding what is going on. |
Agree with everything here, especially the bit about not arguing. | | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 11:46 - May 12 with 900 views | brazil1982 |
Lagos gives good advice there. Mum has had Alzheimer's for six years now. Don't contradict, agree with most things (!) they say, and Mum loves her favourite music.
You may have to repeat things many times and may have to answer the same question many, many times.
Also encourage his Partner to take breaks - Alzheimer's affects at least two people. |  | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 12:27 - May 12 with 816 views | NthQldITFC |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 10:13 - May 12 by BanksterDebtSlave |
Trying to convince my Mum to come and live with us and somehow make it feel like it's her idea is our biggest challenge right now. |
Maybe carefully get her involved in some discussions (without asking direct questions!) about decorating the room she might live in without saying it's the room she might come and live in? | |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 12:30 - May 12 with 804 views | NthQldITFC |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 09:31 - May 12 by bluelagos |
First off, good on you for helping in whatever way you can.
My experience is not professional - but offered in good intent.
First off, try not to argue/challenge anything that is said (no matter how fanciful) - challenging it will achieve little other than agitate the person concerned.
Live in the moment - that is all the individual can do - so if that means a walk, a chat, reminicing, go for it.
I had a good friend (now sadly died) who could remember long time ago, nothing of 10 mins ago. So we chatted about happy memories from years earlier. Luckily they remembered me so that was easy.
And prepare yourself for maybe not being remembered. A grandmother thought I was her son (some likeness) so I played that role for a couple of hours - knowing she was happy her son and popped in to see her.
Photos seems a good idea - and maybe some music from their youth to listen to.
Good luck with it - just be patient and remember that people can get frustrated and angry too - must be so hard knowing things are going south but not really understanding what is going on. |
Brilliant advice - that role playing thing can be useful I believe, but maybe trying to leave some off ramps in terms of not asserting things that might trigger doubts. More going along with stuff in a passive but jolly way. | |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 13:04 - May 12 with 727 views | Basuco |
One thing to know is that our memories are like a chest of drawers and they are filled from the bottom draw up, Alzheimers takes those memories away from the top draw down. So conversations should be around where they are in that process, talk, laugh sing about anything and everything and as below be patient and smile a lot. Also feelings last longer than memories of the day, while he may forget you went, he will remember the good feeling seeing you, but will not remember why he has that good feeling.
I went through this with my Mother and towards the end she was starting to confuse me with my Father at times, I had to talk about my wife and children to get her to know who I was. I hope you enjoy your day and remember it is harder on us than for him, his condition protects him from the worst effects. |  | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 13:11 - May 12 with 702 views | Basuco |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 10:00 - May 12 by Radlett_blue |
my 92yo mother in law has been suffering from dementia for a few years. I can only speak of my experience - her short term memory is near non existent, but she does have reasonable(if erratic) recall of events from long ago. Some old photos might be a good idea, but this is a progressive, degenerative disease and there are no known cures.
Some people with dementia are simply confused; some can get very angry when they can't remember things. Fortunately my mother in law has been in the former category. |
The effects depend what part of the brain are affected, if it is the frontal lobe which controls personality, there can be some quite horrible changes in their personality. Luckily for me Mum was in an almost permanent happy place and was always a pleasure to visit as well as sad to see her decline. | | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 14:04 - May 12 with 636 views | Cheltenham_Blue |
Can't really offer much more than others have already mentioned, there has been some great advice.
The one thing I will say, is don't try to correct him. When my Dad was in hospital with the same, he would also see things, (A cat under the chair of the bloke in the bed opposite for example), and my sister would just try to correct him, telling him it was just a pair of slippers, but to him, it was 100% a Cat, so he would just get frustrated and agitated.
One night with me, he told me he could see two German bombers flying toward the hospital, I said that that way was north, so they must be heading back from a raid on Birmingham or Coventry. About 15 minutes later, he said, "They're right on us now" and I said, "can you see the pilots yet?" to which he said no, I said, "well, they'd be on their bombing run now if it was for us, why don't you get some sleep and I'll wake you if the siren goes off".
He fell asleep 5 minutes later, and woke the following day never mentioning it again.
Sometimes you just have to play along with whatever is in their minds. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 14:33 - May 12 with 605 views | Churchman |
Lots of good suggestions on here. Alzheimer’s/dementia is a cruel condition. Death by bacon slicer. The person you knew disappearing before your eyes.
My experience is very limited. My mother was ill with it for a long time, including 2.5 years in a care home and some mental issues going back decades to boot. My dad’s condition was rapid and connected with his various conditions including oesophageal cancer. He died in St Elizabeth’s.
Particularly in the care home, because of the time length I witnessed a lot of people stuffing from various forms of it. Even case was different. My takeaway from seeing it close to is:
Remember when visiting it is their time so really however the person is you go with it.
There’s no mileage in arguing. My dad and sister tried to ‘correct’ my mum. It always ended badly. Very badly at times. Just smile and agree.
If something is repeated ten times, that’s ok. If the person is happy doing that, it’s fine.
My mother had no short memory at all. Previous visits, 10 mins before. None. She responded in patterns. If the pills arrived she took them from what she considered an authority figure. Lunchtime, she’d go to the dining bit no problem. Hair done once a month. A routine. The past though could be replayed in infinite detail, that of course got distorted over time. No problem.
Pictures and calendars with familiar subjects (e.g. Yarmouth) she found interesting but I’m not sure she really knew. But it occupied a few minutes as did taking her a paper. Usually the Mail. I’d open the pages for pictures and leave it for her to read. She never did, but the routine worked.
I aimed to make her laugh once on a visit. I always managed it, but no idea how.
She would be interested in odd things like my watch that had a luminous dial, which would show green through a bedsheet. Silly, but it worked every visit.
Watching for her getting tired was quite important in that I knew after a while what the best timings were.
I found visiting tough, if I’m honest. I’d always walk out with a sense of relief (to my shame), but would then review what went well, what didn’t and try and learn for next time.
With my father, it was different in that everything collapsed quite rapidly in the end. We were very lucky in that both my parents recognised us right to the end. For my dad, I put an ITFC hat and mug with the badge in his sight line in the hospice, a couple of pictures and a few things from his past. No idea if he registered any of it or anything much, but you don’t know that they didn’t.
The lesson is to try things, watch, listen, observe in accordance with the person’s condition. And smile however tough.
The last thing I’ll say on this is that you are accountable only to you. If one day you can look in the mirror and say to who you see ‘I did my best’ that’s enough. [Post edited 12 May 14:34]
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 15:01 - May 12 with 556 views | BanburyBlue |
Hi, as a volunteer at the Ipswich Town Golden Days cafe and I now run ‘Fore’ Get Me Not Golf Charity which gives people living with Dementia the opportunity to have golf sessions followed by Tea and Cake for free so have alot of experience in this dreadful disease. I suggest you find the sweet spot of share his memory lies best, it could be right back when he was at school! What did he love back in the day, what music did he like, who were his friends then! He will light up when you find that time. He will probably keep repeating himself but don’t scold him for it. Look at him straight on and smile and maybe hold his hands gently. It will be incredibly hard but be brave, a moment that lights him up will make it all worthwhile 😊 |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 15:07 - May 12 with 539 views | BloomBlue |
Being of an age I know a few wonderful people who had/have Alzheimers, simple answer is yes/no/maybe.
Its unique to each individual. A couple I know were in and out in terms of remembering things, others never had a clue who I was or any member of their family was.
One lovely gentleman often talked to people as if it was their parents, ie when he talked to his nephew he was talking to him as his Brother (the nephew's, father). I have found in most cases its a gradual decline in memory loss.
All I can suggest is take some photos and see if that helps him. Be careful not to overload him, if he doesn't remember dont keep saying Uncle x you must remember y, that can stress them out.
Go with the flow as they say. 100% if they don't remember just talk about general things he will then lead you down which road he wants to go |  | | |
| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 16:22 - May 12 with 466 views | BlueBoots |
Upped the OP for this turning into the kind of thread that is a credit to TWTD and the people who post here; most of the few things I could have added already covered by other posters very well indeed.
Will add in an experience of meeting up with my late aunt who had Alzheimer's for the last few years of her life. This was at a large family gathering, so the downside was that it was a lot for her to try to take on board (with my uncle having to let her know who a few of the guests were) Was very pleased that she remembered me instantly, but was a shock to the system that when I passed again after 10-15 minutes of mingling she greeted me as if she hadn't already seen me. On the plus side, she was always the life and soul of a party, so being around so many people clearly enjoying themselves did her the world of good that day.
As others have said, every case will be at a different stage, so it's about testing the water to see what works. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 16:33 - May 12 with 442 views | Moriarty |
As bluelagos says.
It was my experience, in similar circumstances, that you might have to just roll with things he might say or ask you to do. Probably best to avoid correcting him, no matter how well intended.
Patience and understanding is the order of the day.
Good luck, and I hope you all find strength and comfort. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 17:14 - May 12 with 391 views | KBsSocks |
All very good advice above.
Smile, be positive, don't argue, and if you are accused of something, just say sorry, I won't do it again, terrible that it happened, and so on.
My ex's father would not believe I had not stolen his drill ... but plumbing problems he could work with, if presented in a non-challenging way: "I've been to Screwfix and they said I need to do this, but I don't agree".
An yeah, music - and finding the right tunes. With my M-i-L it was "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", haha. But not in "group space" in her care home - arguments ensued. One of the no-longer-speaking residents used to get very excited when I was there, so I spent time holding her hand and talking at her calmly: I obviously reminded her of someone positive in her life.
Both loved animal presence, not that you will be flying a calm dog down.
I used to visit my grandmother in her care home, and my dad was always annoyed that she recognised me and remembered me by name, but he was some random "black Irish bastard" that she didn't want there: we was not black, Irish, and he was her second child, his older sister being the "had to" get married, but not born out of wedlock. I suspect he got annoyed with her, and while she did not remember the details, she retained the annoyment at him in subsequent visits.
And, yes, both illnesses affect people very differently, but Alzheimer's seems more brain-wide in the several cases I've worked with, and therefore more challenging: basic human behaviours affected. |  |
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| Alzheimer's Disease advice on 19:23 - May 12 with 240 views | GlasgowBlue |
Just arrived in Weymouth. Thank you so much to everyone for their thoughtful advice, suggestions and very moving stories. | |
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