| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. 11:01 - Nov 15 with 3384 views | MattinLondon |
I’m not sure whether this is over sharing but I’m wondering whether anyone on here has had to face this issue.
My other half is one of four sisters all of which are intelligent and career successful but all seem to still be of the impression that their dad (my father-in-law) is still the same man they remember as kids - in short confident and a bit of an Alpha Man. Whereas in reality he’s in his late 70s, his reactions have gone and he’s a bit slow on the uptake compared to years past.
That’s old age I guess and he’s still a lovely man. But he’s driving has concerned me for a while and he still thinks it’s acceptable to drink a glass of beer when driving after going for lunch. My two young kids love getting in the car with their grandparents - absolutely love it. But after being in the passenger seat with him driving last week I’m more than concerned. He doesn’t seem to spot danger, gets too tired and thinks going fast will get him out of danger.
I’ve had a word with my bro-in-laws all of which have expressed the same concern. But my other half, her sisters and my mum-in-law refuse to think that there’s an issue.
Has anyone else had to face this? I don’t want to start a war of words, but I am quite concerned. The simple solution is for me to say ‘no’ to my kids going in their car but is there a more diplomatic solution?
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:09 - Nov 15 with 3286 views | BiGDonnie |
Slash his tyres in the middle of the night. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:11 - Nov 15 with 3262 views | blueasfook |
Is this from the Guardian letters page? |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:17 - Nov 15 with 3238 views | MattinLondon |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:09 - Nov 15 by BiGDonnie |
Slash his tyres in the middle of the night. |
Unfortunately they have one of the camera door bell things that covers where he parks his car on the drive. I lack the necessary Ninja skills to slash the tyres without being seen. | | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:18 - Nov 15 with 3240 views | Sikamikanico |
We've a similar issue with my Dad and our simple response is not to let him drive us anywhere. Very similar to your description of your FIL.
My dad also has 2 or 3 eye conditions.
Luckily he doesn't drive much anymore. I always offer to pick him up so that he can enjoy a beer or 2 and relax and he normally takes me up on it. |  | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:20 - Nov 15 with 3231 views | WeWereZombies |
'he still thinks it’s acceptable to drink a glass of beer when driving', he really should have both hands on the wheel...sorry.
I remember a similar experience with a girlfriend's dad who was still driving in his eighties but the difference there was that most, if not all, of his five daughters were of the opinion that he should give his car up. They knew it would upset him but it really was getting unsafe. So I think the best advice I can give is to get your wife and sisters-in-law on side first and it might not be unethical to use the safety of their children as a bargaining point. [Post edited 15 Nov 2022 11:34]
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:30 - Nov 15 with 3150 views | DecageBruce |
I have had, and am currently having, a very similar situation with 3 of my Grandparents.
One had an accident on the A14, fortunately no one was hurt but, that scared him into giving his license up. The second one became, in our eyes, very dangerous and similar to how describe. It got to a point where we all (including his wife) refused to get in the car with him and before long he just got used to walking/being picked up before his health deteriorated to a point he couldn't drive.
Currently my Grandmother is deteriorating mentally and we have eventually managed to get the health services engaged. Due to her still having capacity there is little that can be done but as a family we are just having to be more proactively available for things like shopping trips, asking her friends and neighbours to drive when she goes out with them and limiting the time or opportunities that she needs to drive.
It is a very difficult situation to be in as it is hard for people to give up some of there independence and there is a lot of pride involved in admitting to your own failures. Our fear has always been the damage they could do to themselves or someone else so you have my sympathies and wish there were easy answers [Post edited 15 Nov 2022 12:36]
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:30 - Nov 15 with 3141 views | waveneyblue |
There are driver assessment center's dotted around, who offer both on road and off-road assessments for elderly/disabled drivers.
Getting him there might be tricky and there is every chance that they might find he is fine.
Why this isn't compulsory astounds me, especially as I often see stories of elderly people being involved in massive pile ups/driving the wrong way up motorways etc and have my own concerns about my father and his elderly friends. |  | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:34 - Nov 15 with 3102 views | NthQldITFC |
It's a difficult dilemma isn't it. I've had a few discussions with an elderly aunt who was never the greatest driver in the world, but who is definitely losing her co-ordination a bit. Thing is she only drives locally (rurally), and her 'errors' are more to do with clutch control and slow speed, which I suppose is less dangerous.
But we're so wedded to the bloody car religion that even old fogies see it as an existential threat if you suggest they hang up their keys.
I think you should speak directly to him, and bear the consequences if he gets upset. He'll probably come round if he's got any conscience about him when he thinks about his grandkids' wellbeing. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:38 - Nov 15 with 3084 views | WeWereZombies |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:30 - Nov 15 by waveneyblue |
There are driver assessment center's dotted around, who offer both on road and off-road assessments for elderly/disabled drivers.
Getting him there might be tricky and there is every chance that they might find he is fine.
Why this isn't compulsory astounds me, especially as I often see stories of elderly people being involved in massive pile ups/driving the wrong way up motorways etc and have my own concerns about my father and his elderly friends. |
Perhaps elderly driver's assessments not being compulsory is a tacit admission by the authorities that public transport is inadequate in most of the United Kingdom. | |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:48 - Nov 15 with 3019 views | MattinLondon |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:34 - Nov 15 by NthQldITFC |
It's a difficult dilemma isn't it. I've had a few discussions with an elderly aunt who was never the greatest driver in the world, but who is definitely losing her co-ordination a bit. Thing is she only drives locally (rurally), and her 'errors' are more to do with clutch control and slow speed, which I suppose is less dangerous.
But we're so wedded to the bloody car religion that even old fogies see it as an existential threat if you suggest they hang up their keys.
I think you should speak directly to him, and bear the consequences if he gets upset. He'll probably come round if he's got any conscience about him when he thinks about his grandkids' wellbeing. |
He’s been driving for close to sixty years and despite being elderly he still has that intense fear of getting old. I can understand that.
I think you’re right, the only course of action is to have a word with him. Obviously my overriding fear is for the safety of my children but it’s the danger he could possibly poses to other road users etc is also a real concern. | | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:51 - Nov 15 with 3005 views | MattinLondon |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:20 - Nov 15 by WeWereZombies |
'he still thinks it’s acceptable to drink a glass of beer when driving', he really should have both hands on the wheel...sorry.
I remember a similar experience with a girlfriend's dad who was still driving in his eighties but the difference there was that most, if not all, of his five daughters were of the opinion that he should give his car up. They knew it would upset him but it really was getting unsafe. So I think the best advice I can give is to get your wife and sisters-in-law on side first and it might not be unethical to use the safety of their children as a bargaining point. [Post edited 15 Nov 2022 11:34]
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I’m thinking it’s best to have a quiet word with him and hope that he sees where I’m coming from. He is quite reasonable. They (the grandparents) also love having their grandkids in the car with them so it’s not going to be an easy solution.
Guess, I was hoping that some ‘rainbow’ solution would magically make itself known. But I doubt that will happen. | | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 12:01 - Nov 15 with 2940 views | giant_stow |
I too had a similar thing with my Dad's driving (his eyes went and also couldn't turn his neck so relied on wing mirrors more than he should have). No one had to persuade him not to drive though - he actually had a crash had at Acle bridge (if anyone knows it, its a blind bridge which is now a 30 limit, but back then it was 60) with my nephew in the car - he couldn;t turn his head to check the traffic properly. No one was badly hurt, but looking back, this probably got the message through.
I would suggest getting the daughters on side before you approach him - you'll need their backup. Tread carefully obviously, but if you absolutely have to, ask whether it'll take an accident with you kid on board for him to reconsider. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 12:33 - Nov 15 with 2834 views | TalkingBlues |
This is an easy one, shop him to the DVLA and tell the rest of the family that the BIL you don't like told you he was going to report him, 2 birds, one stone. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 12:48 - Nov 15 with 2643 views | Pippin1970 |
They need to do retesting for people over the age of 70, ones with lots of points on their license and reckless drivers . Unfortunately we too soft in this country . My misses had crash with young lad with no license. I was ready to have a go but police just gave them slap on the wrist. So they buy another cheap car and out again. | | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 12:49 - Nov 15 with 2636 views | davblue |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 11:17 - Nov 15 by MattinLondon |
Unfortunately they have one of the camera door bell things that covers where he parks his car on the drive. I lack the necessary Ninja skills to slash the tyres without being seen. |
BALACLAVA job done. |  | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 13:14 - Nov 15 with 2528 views | homer_123 |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 12:49 - Nov 15 by davblue |
BALACLAVA job done. |
BAKLAVA - job done. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 13:52 - Nov 15 with 2369 views | davblue |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 13:14 - Nov 15 by homer_123 |
BAKLAVA - job done. |
over feed him on pastry? | | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 13:55 - Nov 15 with 2354 views | Darth_Koont |
Do the sisters think he’s wrong and/or too old about anything else? Something less connected to his identity than perhaps driving his car?
It may be the identity/perception of Dad the Driver that’s getting in the way. So maybe you can chip away at that by looking at his age/fitness in a less critical and less tense area.
Also: if he stops driving does that mean the sisters will have to do more? I don’t think that’s selfishness (it’s more natural and human than that) but things like that maybe explain a subconscious need to avoid facing up to the truth. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 14:28 - Nov 15 with 2285 views | Crawfordsboot |
From age 70 the driver has to renew his or her licence every three years. The renewal includes making a statement re. Health and eyesight. It is recommended to get a medical check up.
You could try persuading him to go this route and if your concerns are really serious you could tip off the medic in advance. |  | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 17:38 - Nov 15 with 2143 views | CBBlue |
Elderly neighbour in their late 80s gave me a lift a few years ago into town and I was actually shaking when I got out, never been so terrified. Luckily they drove really slowly because their reactions were even slower.
Fast forward a couple of years and they had a copper knock on their door to suggest they didn't drive anymore and copper told their son to hide the keys or disconnect the battery if necessary. Turns out they'd been seen at the local supermarket carpark driving so badly someone reported them as apparently they had committed 5 different traffic offences. She phoned the police to complain about the officer - claiming he didn't know what he was talking about and they'd done nothing wrong.
Same with when she'd burnt out her clutch only 2 months after it was fitted - phoned the garage claiming they must've fitted a dud one.
Moral here is tread really carefully, even when confronted with overwhelming evidence that he'd be better off not driving your FIL may well take offence and claim everyone else is wrong and plotting against him - the example above caused a major falling out and she refused to talk to her son for a while for listening to 'that jobsworth policeman' and taking away her keys. We were all offering to drive her everywhere but she said the car was her last bit of independence. | |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 18:38 - Nov 15 with 2053 views | BlueBadger |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 17:38 - Nov 15 by CBBlue |
Elderly neighbour in their late 80s gave me a lift a few years ago into town and I was actually shaking when I got out, never been so terrified. Luckily they drove really slowly because their reactions were even slower.
Fast forward a couple of years and they had a copper knock on their door to suggest they didn't drive anymore and copper told their son to hide the keys or disconnect the battery if necessary. Turns out they'd been seen at the local supermarket carpark driving so badly someone reported them as apparently they had committed 5 different traffic offences. She phoned the police to complain about the officer - claiming he didn't know what he was talking about and they'd done nothing wrong.
Same with when she'd burnt out her clutch only 2 months after it was fitted - phoned the garage claiming they must've fitted a dud one.
Moral here is tread really carefully, even when confronted with overwhelming evidence that he'd be better off not driving your FIL may well take offence and claim everyone else is wrong and plotting against him - the example above caused a major falling out and she refused to talk to her son for a while for listening to 'that jobsworth policeman' and taking away her keys. We were all offering to drive her everywhere but she said the car was her last bit of independence. |
Saw a really sad one a few years ago - old girl reversed over her old man at the petrol station. Time they got him out, he'd suffered a cardiac arrest and died. |  |
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| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 20:57 - Nov 15 with 1892 views | MattinLondon |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 13:55 - Nov 15 by Darth_Koont |
Do the sisters think he’s wrong and/or too old about anything else? Something less connected to his identity than perhaps driving his car?
It may be the identity/perception of Dad the Driver that’s getting in the way. So maybe you can chip away at that by looking at his age/fitness in a less critical and less tense area.
Also: if he stops driving does that mean the sisters will have to do more? I don’t think that’s selfishness (it’s more natural and human than that) but things like that maybe explain a subconscious need to avoid facing up to the truth. |
I think it’s natural to still think of parents as being the ones you grew up with. I still think of mine as the ones from thirty years ago. They aren’t, maybe it’s that fear of old age again. | | | |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 21:02 - Nov 15 with 1877 views | Darth_Koont |
| Advice needed on how to deal with a ‘dodgy driver’. on 20:57 - Nov 15 by MattinLondon |
I think it’s natural to still think of parents as being the ones you grew up with. I still think of mine as the ones from thirty years ago. They aren’t, maybe it’s that fear of old age again. |
Yep. And well said. | |
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