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“Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
Norwich has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Fella goes into a bar and orders a pint, then takes it to a corner table and gets out of his bag this little foot high bloke and a miniature Bechstein grand and puts them on the table. As the drinker sups his pint, the tiny fella cracks his knuckles and then starts playing the most beautiful CPE Bach symphony.
Another drinker comes over and stands there mouth agape. "That's incredible," he says, "where did you get him from?"
"Ah," says the first bloke, "I've got this little genie in a bottle and he'll give you just one wish."
"Wow, any chance I can have a go?"
"Sure, be my guest."
So the second fella takes the bottle into the corner, gives it a rub, and out pops the genie. He states his desire, and immediately the bar is full of baying dogs. He forces his way over to the first bloke and says "Your genie's bloody deaf mate. I asked him for a thousand pounds, not a thousand hounds!"
"Well, you don't think I asked him for a twelve inch pianist, do you?"
A piece of tarmac goes into a bar and orders a pint, sits down at the bar and is drinking his pint when another piece of tarmac walks up to the bar get's a pint and sits down at one of the tables. The barman say's to the tarmac at the bar "Aren't you going to go over and sit with your mate ? " No came the reply "He's a cycle path"
Pub has a sign outside "No pieces of string allowed" Piece of string walks past and decides he wants a pint, goes in and says to the barman" Pint of lager please" Barman looks him up and down and says "your not a piece of string I hope" No I'm afraid knot came the reply.
Both are terrible but for inexplicable reasons I’ve always liked these Frank Skinner jokes :
Bloke goes into a pet shop and asks for a wasp, shopkeeper says sorry sir we don’t tell wasps, and the bloke say oh, you’ve got one in the window.
Blind bloke goes into a shop and holds his guide dog aloft, swinging it from side to side. The shop assistant asks if he wants any help to which he replies, no thanks, I’m just browsing.
A bear & a rabbit are in the woods, having a poo The bear says to the rabbit "do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "no"
“Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
For any Billy Connolly fans, I’d recommend the new ‘In his own words’ series on BBC iPlayer. 1st episode is Billy. Poor lad has slowed down a bit, but he’s doing better than I’d feared after his last tour with Parkinsons 8 yrs ago. Still as bright as a button though, and it’s a nice piece of nostalgia. He’s also upliftingly stoic about getting ill and old. So although I thought I’d find the programme a bit depressing, it had the opposite effect. He’s a real inspiration (still).
For any Billy Connolly fans, I’d recommend the new ‘In his own words’ series on BBC iPlayer. 1st episode is Billy. Poor lad has slowed down a bit, but he’s doing better than I’d feared after his last tour with Parkinsons 8 yrs ago. Still as bright as a button though, and it’s a nice piece of nostalgia. He’s also upliftingly stoic about getting ill and old. So although I thought I’d find the programme a bit depressing, it had the opposite effect. He’s a real inspiration (still).
Which reminds me
Billy Connolly “I’ve been told I’ve got Parkinson’s disease, you think the b’stard coukd have kept it to himself”
Can't recall her name, but I recall a Japanese comedian opening to an American audience by saying her real Japanese name (Japanese names given for deeper cultural meaning), & their English translation
Both are terrible but for inexplicable reasons I’ve always liked these Frank Skinner jokes :
Bloke goes into a pet shop and asks for a wasp, shopkeeper says sorry sir we don’t tell wasps, and the bloke say oh, you’ve got one in the window.
Blind bloke goes into a shop and holds his guide dog aloft, swinging it from side to side. The shop assistant asks if he wants any help to which he replies, no thanks, I’m just browsing.
Still chuckling at the wasp one and I read it six hours ago.
I knew the mother in law was coming down our garden path - the mice were throwing themselves on the traps
Another Dawson - I was in the front garden when 6 blokes set about the mother in law. The next door neighbour asked if we should go and help but I said no, six ought to be enough.
Another Dawson - I was in the front garden when 6 blokes set about the mother in law. The next door neighbour asked if we should go and help but I said no, six ought to be enough.
The injured Aussie came round in hospital to see a beautiful nurse smiling at him. "Nurse," he asked. "Did I come here to die?" "No," replied the nurse "You came here yesterdie..."
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely sod all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
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