By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions. We in turn value your personal details in accordance with our Privacy Policy.
Please log in or register. Registered visitors get fewer ads.
"Was a bit wild in my younger days...I used to date twins" "How did you tell them apart? "Susie wore glasses and had pigtails, and Jim had a massive cock"
Man pops his head round the door of a barber's shop, and asks how long a wait there is for a haircut. The barber looks round the shop and says 'A couple of hours, mate'. The man says 'OK' and leaves. He doesn't come back. The same thing happens the following day. The man is told it's probably a three hour wait. He says 'OK' and leaves and doesn't come back.
This goes on for a week, leading the barber to ask his assistant to follow the guy to find out why he calls in but never gets his haircut.
About an hour later the barber's assistant returned.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says "Is this a joke?"
Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman meet up on New Year's eve, having each had a son during the year Englishman's son born St George's Day is called George Scotsman's son born on St Andrew's Day is called Andrew Irishman said "funny, the same thing happened with me & my son Pancake"
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
Another Tommy Cooper gag:
I went to the dentist the other day, I said to him, your chairs are strange, they only go backwards and forwards - he told me to get out of the filing cabinet..
You are the obsolete SRN4 to my Fairey Rotodyne....
I went to the dentist the other day, I said to him, your chairs are strange, they only go backwards and forwards - he told me to get out of the filing cabinet..
Tommy Cooper again...
I went to the dentist, he said your teeth are fine but your gums have got to come out
Bloke goes into a bar with a crocodile. Barman says blimey mate you can't bring that in here. Bloke says it highly trained - watch this.
He clicks his fingers and the croc sits up with jaws wide open. He drops his trousers and dangles the crown jewels in the crocs mouth. He gets a lump hammer out of his pocket and wallops the reptile right on the bonce. Nothing - no reaction.
The bloke says I'm so confident that I will give £500 to anyone willing to repeat that trick.
A little old lady stands up and says I'll have a go but don't hit me on the head as hard as you hit that fcking crocodile.
Little Red Riding Hood was merrily skipping through the forest, when she saw Mr Wolf sitting in a bush. " My mister wolf what big eyes you've got", f..k off iam trying to have a sh..t.
Englishman, Welshman and a Pakistani guy turn up at the maternity ward to see their new babies.
Doctor comes out and says there's been a bit of a mix up and he cant say for sure whose baby is whose.
So the English bloke goes through to the ward and comes back carrying what is clearly the Pakistani baby, and the Pakistani fella says as much. Englishman replies "look mate, one of those other two is Welsh, so I'm not taking any chances"
Kieran bumps into Thorup in a Diss supermarket. "Hello Johannes what are you doing here?" "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Grant Hanley". "Sounds a fair swop to me!".
Rosie Jones used to walk on stage awkwardly, and open with this joke which plays off the rhythms of her naturally (due to her Cerebral Palsy) slow, faltering, delivery:
The best thing about being disabled...
.
Is no one asks you to babysit.
.
In case you drop them...
.
And recruit them.
Lots of people say they don't like her as a comedian, or find her annoying, but I think this is just perfect joke writing. Here's why:
The first line "The best thing about being disabled..." Gets a nervous laugh.
Then people give a big laugh to the "Nobody asks you to babysit" line, and think that's the joke done.
Then she hits with "In case you drop them", which gets a shocked laugh.
And then the last line is totally unexpected and kind of surreal, but plays into all the unspoken prejudices that the outwardly right-on audience have, and names them out loud.This sets up her status on the stage and makes it clear that we aren't going to spend the evening laughing at her disability, or putting her, but that she is going to put the audience in the spotlight and make them uncomfortable about what they actually think, say and do.
My grandparents are called Pearl & Dean Or as I called them: Grandma & Grand Pa Pa, Pa Pa, Pa Pa, Pa Pa Pa Pa Pa Pa Pa, Pa Pa, Pa Pa, Pa Pa
Billy Connolly on... Scottish Heritage
“Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
By continuing to use the site, you agree to our use of cookies and to abide by our Terms and Conditions.
