| Friendships 14:02 - Sep 27 with 2389 views | Swailsey |
Hi TWTD. Sorry for the self-indulgent post, but I’m feeling a bit low and would appreciate some advise.
As I mentioned on here before, I recently moved away from Ipswich for the first time in my life to live with my girlfriend and I’m really struggling with how my old friendship dynamics have changed.
I have suffered from pretty bad mental health issues all my life, and huge periods of depression. Some of my friends were there for me, and I hope I reciprocated it back to them. However, there were some friendships which felt like I was putting all the effort in - this was less noticeable when we lived a few minutes from each other. Friendships were always a huge support network for me - I’ve been single/in pretty toxic relationships a lot of my life; and I’m not too close to my family.
However, since I’ve moved I’ve noticed that for several friends, I seem to be ‘out of sight, out of mind’. Three of my close friends have been supportive and we text/email most days. But one of my best friends was visibly angry at me for moving and said “to be honest mate, I have enough trouble maintaining friendships to those close to me, so my first reaction, I’m sorry to say, is f**k ya then, bye”.
This was from someone I have been friends with for 20 years.
I recognise in myself that I am quite needy, and I knew I would take the moving hard. But I felt moving away was the right thing for me. My hometown has a lot of awful memories for me; including me trying to take my life last year. I had hoped that those closest to me would understand the need for a clean break, but it feels like I’ve sort of disappeared from their thoughts - with the exception of the three I mentioned.
I guess it’s normal, and it’s also led me to reflect on how I have been with them. But I had always been known as the ‘person’ to make social things happen. I was the organiser, the one who made plans. Perhaps on reflection, they were doing that to appease me, or maybe they resent the fact I won’t be doing that anymore?
I realise that you won’t be able to comment too much because you don’t know me or them, but I’m finding the thought of losing these friendships, even though it was my choice to move, really upsetting - it feels like grief. Real friendships should last the distance right? Maybe they weren’t as strong as I thought they were.
If anyone has any tips, or any experience of ‘losing’ most of your early 20s friends and starting over, it would be appreciated. I know I should just focus on those who are still there; and this may feel disrespectful to them - but the absence of the others hurts.
Perhaps I’m overreacting and this is life?
Thank you. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:15 - Sep 27 with 2116 views | WeWereZombies |
I might not be the best person to give you advice on this, having perhaps been set on my way by four changes of family home by the age of nine, but I find that the best course for a new living environment is to concentrate efforts on new friendships. One of the ways I do this is by joining clubs, associations etc. because shared interests can bring you into contact with like minded people. It will also give you and your girlfriend a break from each other for a while and something to talk about later when you give your new perspective on the area. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:17 - Sep 27 with 2109 views | Wacko |
I would say you’re feeling particularly vulnerable because you’re in a new place and probably haven’t formed any established friendships in London yet, so you’re naturally looking back to ones from your old life. It seems like this particular friend is hurt by your departure, but he should eventually understand that you needed this to grow (and heal perhaps) as a person. I would concentrate on finding support and friendship where you live now, also separate from any you and your girlfriend might have jointly, and also understand that friends serve specific points in your life and can’t always follow you forever. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:19 - Sep 27 with 2091 views | urbanpenguin |
Firstly, the 'friend' who said "f**k ya then, bye" is not a friend worth having and good riddance. Situations in life can test you and relationships, and it sounds like he's flakey and can't past even the smallest test of somebody else moving, which is not an uncommon thing. Good luck to him in life.
More importantly is you. Wherever you have moved to, see what there is to discover new groups of people in whatever interests you. Five-a-side, walking groups, galleries, pub quizzes whatever. Great you have moved for your partner, but also remember to be yourself in the new place, and allow space for that to grow away from her and her existent friendship groups, so you do not feel like you are just a plus one in somebody else's life.
I don't know if you already do, but try to learn to be good company with yourself. Be happy to do things you want to do even if nobody else wants to or you don't yet know people who want to do it. GO to the cinema, a walk, whatever if you want to, and you may even meet someone else there and strike up a conversation unexpectedly.
in a digital-first world I guess it can be a little alienating to be analogue and adrift. But get to know the place, be open to encounter, do things regardless, and you will settle into the place and new community I am sure. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:20 - Sep 27 with 2086 views | urbanpenguin |
Oh, and being open with your feelings is not in any way "self indulgent". Good for you. | |
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| Friendships on 14:22 - Sep 27 with 2076 views | Guthrum |
I think there are two strands to this.
Firstly, it might be necessary to be more laid back on some of the old friendships. Long distance ones do tend (from personal experience) to be a lot more sporadic than those in the same town. Just because there are long gaps, doesn't make them any less real when you are in contact or meet up. Not sure it's going to be very easy with the one person you quote, altho those words may have been spoken in grief at the prospect of a more distant relationship.
Secondly, you can use your social dynamism ('I was the organiser, the one who made plans.') to make new networks where you now live. It might take a bit of time to find the openings, may require joining things, or using your girlfriend's contacts, but they will then be people on the doorstep you can see regularly. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:24 - Sep 27 with 2061 views | BlueandTruesince82 |
Hi bud. As a man who is pretty bad at maintaining friendships himself I'll try and offer some advice.
I think some of this is inevitable, its natural when you move. I too am moving (or trying to, need to find a house) and I'm pretty sure that will result in not the end, but certainly a change in friendships that I have. Your friend is probably just being honest (and maybe a bit resentful though without knowing his circumstances I could be wrong)
Friendships change over time and as people have families and jobs etc their focus in life changes.
I have 7 friends. In some ways I think that depressing at 44 but I figure those that have slid have done so for a reason and not necessarily fault of either party.
3 of my 7 are people that I have known 6th form, they are the ones that have stuck and are what i woukd regard as true friends. In saying that we see each other once or twice a year and check in a bit more. That said having recently gone through some difficult changes myself the closest of those (were quite spread out) was straight in the car to come and check in, in person and that illustrates perfectly why remian friends. You might now find out who your 'true' friends are and I'd say that will allow you to vakue those oned all the more.
Number 4, my best mate, a man who has been there for every up and down in my life and vice versa. The only person I talk to with any real regularity.
That lesves 3 others who I have on Fb but couldn't even tell you if the numbers I have for them are still current
Hopefully that sad life makes you feel a bit better.
As men I think it is a real problem for us maintaining friendships and even more so making them in later life. Id suggest if you have hobbies that allow you to join a club, do and that may help you make some new connections.
Also dont be too hard on yourself or others, we all have different social bandwidths and sometimes life changes and our relationships with it. The true friends will stick and they're the important ones.
Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly, focus on the ones that have stuck and enjoy a new start with a woman you love, embrace that and look forward to new ones.
If you ever need a chat shoot me a PM. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:33 - Sep 27 with 2000 views | BelsteadCav |
I totally get where you’re coming from
Since Covid when I lost my job, I had to take a job working nights
I don’t see anyone at all during the week. Only 2 people at work ( who don’t speak very good English )
I’m lonely but I still get to see people I know at the weekend, so you’ve got it pretty tough
There’s no shame at all talking about your feelings, I’m sure there’s someone on here who can give you some good advice. I think sometimes it’s life, I have some friends who don’t text or never come round, I have to make the effort to see them. So I stopped, and now because I’ve stopped I don’t see them at all. I’m lucky that I still have a core group of friends that look out for me. It’s still horrible though
I really hope someone can help you out. Never be ashamed to ask for help [Post edited 27 Sep 14:37]
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| Friendships on 14:35 - Sep 27 with 1986 views | GlasgowBlue |
Sorry to hear that mate. Not much help I'm afraid. I've moved around a couple of times. First to Tenerife in the early 90's, followed by moving to Scotland a couple of years later.
I was lucky that both jobs were resort based so it was easy to make new friends with work colleagues who we socialised with most nights.
I'm now completely out of touch with my pre Tenerife friends other than on facebook.
Do you frequent the local bars in the area? That's usually a place to make new friends and chew the fat with strangers. |  |
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| Friendships on 14:39 - Sep 27 with 1953 views | Mullet |
During Covid a friend of ours had his Mrs commit suicide. We started to have a Monday night Skype call every week, we all lived 200 miles from the nearest person apart from one abroad.
We used the excuse of online games etc as an excuse to do/ chat about stuff. We’ve only just stopped doing it weekly (when 3/4 of us were available as a minimum) and moved to monthly. I get you don’t necessarily have a group as scattered as we did, but you sound like you’d have enough to do a music themed meeting of some sort or whatever binds you all together.
Allows you to do something low stakes and can coordinate via WhatsApp or whatever and people can drop in or out as time goes on.
That sort of thing might help |  |
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| Friendships on 14:42 - Sep 27 with 1935 views | Swansea_Blue |
“Real friendships should last the distance right?”. If they’re real they do. The dynamics can change one distance becomes involved as Guthers says. I moved about 3 times before settling; all long moves. Some friends dropped by the wayside (the majority really, but I didn’t work hard to maintain them either) and a few friendships persisted. IMO a test of a good friendship is if you can pick up where you left off even if there is a gap in communication. With my best mate we can go months sometimes with barely a quick text here or there.
Some of the other encouragement sounds appropriate to you. If you’ve been an organiser and the glue arounds friend groups before, then absolutely you can be again. It’ll be who you are, so it will come.
Give yourself the space to let things develop naturally. Forming new friends may take a while, it may not. Neither is right or wrong, so try not to stress over it. It’s an exciting time moving to a new place. Yes, it can be daunting, but there’s lots of new things to experience and there will be plenty of new people to meet.
I like the tip about getting to be more comfortable with yourself - go and do stuff you want to do rather than only try and fit around your partner’s interests. If you’ve have to do that on your own initially, that’s fine. And then there’s the usual suggestions - join groups linked to any interests/hobbies and see where that goes. That’s probably the logical place to start where you just get to spend regular time with people who have a shared passion (whatever that is).
Oh, and of course spend as much time as you can with the reason you moved up there! If you’ve not got too many ties like family, it’s a great time to make the most of any free time and get out and do things together. [Post edited 27 Sep 14:51]
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| Friendships on 14:48 - Sep 27 with 1898 views | Nthsuffolkblue |
That sounds very blunt from them but there are probably things going on in their life that you don't know about.
Personally I would think carefully before responding one of two ways.
1 OK, if that's what you want fine. I will move on too as painful as that might feel right now.
2 Go back to them and say you found what they said very blunt and hurtful because you have been friends for 20 years. You would still like to catch up with them when you are both able to do so but you understand that if that isn't something they want to do you don't want to be a drain on them.
You seem to suggest they are angry at you for moving away so I suspect they are feeling hurt that they can't have the same relationship they once had with you. If there is something you can do remotely that can help I would look to do that. Are there mutual friends you can give a heads up to that possibly this chap could do with an extra bit of support?
Maybe also be honest with them about your own feelings and motivations for moving away and how you feel about how it has impacted your relationship and whether that has been easy or difficult for you too. You will know best whether that is something you would want to do. |  |
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| Friendships on 15:07 - Sep 27 with 1797 views | Churchman |
Lots of good advice here by other posters.
Most important, don’t be hard on yourself. There’s no need to be. My thoughts are as follows.
You will meet very few true friends in life. Ones that will drop everything if you have a serious problem. I have just one of those and even he doesn’t know everything about me after literally decades of sharing good and bad. But I trust him totally and visa versa.
Next level is good chums. People whose company you enjoy, drinking buddies, social contacts, lunch friends, people who you may have met through work and stayed friends with.
Then there’s acquaintances. People you might meet in a group, give you a lift home, share a beer. A good number of people you might meet through work or social activities might be in that category.
Next, work colleagues. You might get on with them. Great. You might tolerate them - fine. You might detest them. That’s fine as long as you do what has to be done work wise.
I see life and friendships as a Journey down a road. Sometimes short and if ones lucky with health, long. On the road you meet people. You share the road with them for a chunk of time. Sometimes a short time, sometimes longer, sometimes a good chunk of your life. All of it’s good they set off in a different direction or you do, that’s fine. Perfectly normal..
If somebody says ‘f ya then, bye’, you’ve learned that’s no friend and your best rid. If somebody breaks my trust or is not straight with me, they get distanced.
Personally, I never really thought about friendships. Never entered my head, even at school. They just happened and I can look back with a smile at many fun times.
So for the future, my advice would be not to overthink it or push it. Just be you. Friendships will build quite naturally over time. The best friends you have are your gf and who you see in the mirror. Many people start with just the idiot they see in the mirror. That’s fine having done it - things always change.
Just a few thoughts to add to the far better ones in this thread. |  | | |
| Friendships on 16:27 - Sep 27 with 1593 views | DJR |
| Friendships on 14:48 - Sep 27 by Nthsuffolkblue |
That sounds very blunt from them but there are probably things going on in their life that you don't know about.
Personally I would think carefully before responding one of two ways.
1 OK, if that's what you want fine. I will move on too as painful as that might feel right now.
2 Go back to them and say you found what they said very blunt and hurtful because you have been friends for 20 years. You would still like to catch up with them when you are both able to do so but you understand that if that isn't something they want to do you don't want to be a drain on them.
You seem to suggest they are angry at you for moving away so I suspect they are feeling hurt that they can't have the same relationship they once had with you. If there is something you can do remotely that can help I would look to do that. Are there mutual friends you can give a heads up to that possibly this chap could do with an extra bit of support?
Maybe also be honest with them about your own feelings and motivations for moving away and how you feel about how it has impacted your relationship and whether that has been easy or difficult for you too. You will know best whether that is something you would want to do. |
Yes, I was going to suggest that one or more of your friends might be hurt by your leaving.
It may not be an easy issue to broach, because you might not want to hear the truth, but there may be a more subtle way of doing it.
One thing that springs to mind is trying to meet with up with some or all of them, whether in Ipswich or London, maybe at a gig.
But if they don't wish to the friendship to continue, don't be too hard on yourself, and concentrate on what seem to be the good things now going on in your life.
I might add that I met my best friend from school regularly until we both left university. But after that we never contacted each other. There was no particular reason, and I just put it down to life and the fact that we went off in different directions and to different places.
Finally, I've never had that many friends (as opposed to acquaintances), and would have had even less if five friends from school whom I meet regularly were not Ipswich fans. Indeed, it was following the Town in our teens which brought us together. [Post edited 28 Sep 7:29]
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| Friendships on 16:27 - Sep 27 with 1592 views | Dubtractor |
Hello mate
I've not moved away ever, but several of my friends have at various points, and tbh covid threw a curveball at things too as a lot of people got very comfortable at being more introverted and going out less.
Despite those things, our core group of mates has stayed very solid and in touch since we were in our teens, even if some of us sometimes go a few months without seeing each other.
You mention about being the one who needs to make the effort - tbh I think every group needs that person, as some (see my above point about being comfortable staying in and doing less) are content to just go with the flow. Doesn't mean they don't want to do stuff and see friends, just that it's very easy to stay in the comfort zone and watch telly etc. FWIW I'm probably the organiser in our group!
After covid, when some of our social group definitely did retreat into their own worlds, a few of us (the ones you've met at gigs) decided to get season tickets as it baked in a social event every couple of weeks or so. It means that no one needs to make any effort to organise anything new, and we have a regular decent chat over a beer.
We also have a few whatsapp groups, including one for sorting out gigs, which means anyone who sees a gig that might interest the group shares it, and (in theory) a few of us go. This bakes in another low effort way to keep in touch with friends.
If you were the organiser before you moved, unfortunately you'll still probably need to take that role, people won't suddenly pivot into being proactive about it. What is the thing you most have in common with you Ipswich mates? Football? Music? Cross Stitch? Find a way to create social events, or discussions, around those things. You're in TV's London now, so there shouldn't be a shortage of things to arrange.
At the end of the day, you're only a short train journey away, so it really ought not to be too much effort for them to come to you, or vice versa.
I'm sure it'll sort itself out, but can fully appreciate why you might be feeling a bit let down, especially given that pretty unreal response from you mate of 20 years. |  |
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| Friendships on 16:44 - Sep 27 with 1507 views | hoppy |
Hi Swailsey.
Loads of good advice on this thread. I get a bit of what you’ve experienced, as I didn’t really have many friends around me when I moved to Ipswich, and even fewer close ones.
I don’t really have anything to add, as I’ve also lost touch of older friends.
On a side note, I tried to say hello to you on Thursday evening as you got off the train as I was about to get on it, but you didn’t hear me as you’d got your headphones on. |  |
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| Friendships on 17:03 - Sep 27 with 1439 views | Hugoagogo_Reborn |
I'm sorry this has been so hard for you, Swailsey.
One of the best pieces of advice I have been given is that some friends are with you for life, and some are just what you needed, at a certain time of your life, and then they move on. Others check in about once a year, but you could still pick up exactly where you left off.
None of those relationships are wrong, just different, but sometimes we try to put certain friendships in boxes that don't fit them.
It's also ok to grieve a lost friendship. Sometimes we are closer to friends than family members or even partners, so it can legitimately feel like a break up.
I think I'm rambling here, and not sure I have any profound point to make, but I guess this is more of a solidarity post. I feel your pain, but it's gonna be ok, mate. There's always new people to meet and new adventures to be had.
Take care. X |  |
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| Friendships on 17:25 - Sep 27 with 1360 views | VanSaParody |
I may have said before (never mind the rubbish I produce!), but the process of writing/creating I find theraputic
I'm sure someone with your talent can find something out about yourself when you delve deep enough & produce something you can be proud of
Keep your pecker up! |  | | |
| Friendships on 19:37 - Sep 27 with 1145 views | Swansea_Blue |
| Friendships on 17:03 - Sep 27 by Hugoagogo_Reborn |
I'm sorry this has been so hard for you, Swailsey.
One of the best pieces of advice I have been given is that some friends are with you for life, and some are just what you needed, at a certain time of your life, and then they move on. Others check in about once a year, but you could still pick up exactly where you left off.
None of those relationships are wrong, just different, but sometimes we try to put certain friendships in boxes that don't fit them.
It's also ok to grieve a lost friendship. Sometimes we are closer to friends than family members or even partners, so it can legitimately feel like a break up.
I think I'm rambling here, and not sure I have any profound point to make, but I guess this is more of a solidarity post. I feel your pain, but it's gonna be ok, mate. There's always new people to meet and new adventures to be had.
Take care. X |
Sounds pretty profound to me. These are the relationships that we need as a species to thrive and the society we’ve built makes it really hard. The shrinking world requiring people to move for work and/or relationships and the resulting change and disruption in communities have made it really tough for people.
Your post resonates with me. Friends come in all shapes, sizes and intensity of emotional bond. I’ve been guilty of comparing (the connection I have with this new person isn’t the same as I had with my teenage besties - that’s not a road worth going down. Friend relationships seem to change with time and dependent upon your own personal circumstances. So yeah, it’s a hard agree from me agree that all friends are not the same and shouldn’t be put in boxes occupied by other (often longer) friends occupying.
I’m nog sure why I’m commenting, as I hardly have any these days. Family life took over. A few pre-family friends are rock solid still, but new contacts I tend to see as neighbours or acquaintances rather than friends.
If I had to give only one piece of advice it would be to retain friend networks outside of family/relationships. For me family comes first (a term teenage me would have been horrified by lol), but friends can offer something family can’t. | |
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| Friendships on 20:27 - Sep 27 with 1048 views | IndependentlyBlue |
Hi Swailsey
Sorry things seem a bit humpty at the moment. Kudos to you for reaching out. As someone else in the thread has mentioned guys aren’t necessarily the best at that or at holding on to and taking care of friendships.
Having read through the thread don’t have much else to suggest. The fact that you have the love of a good woman is great and the suggestions about having something outside that relationship too are sound. Have you thought about meeting up with the London Town Supporters lot? Can’t think where it is they meet up, maybe Camden?, may be other common interests there as well as Town.
If I remember rightly from previous conversations with you, you quite like the outdoors and there’s loads of evidence that being ‘in nature’ can help all our mental health. I know that might be harder in London but there’s a lot of good groups doing community gardens and other outside stuff there. Perhaps try to tap into that. Your local library should be able to help there.
As I’ve suggested in the past perhaps look and see if there’s any Men’s Shed groups in your area. They vary loads in what they offer but may be useful to you.
Hope some of this may be useful. I know we’re not physically around but you have a lot of friends on here who wish you well.
Take care |  |
| Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt |
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| Friendships on 04:17 - Sep 28 with 796 views | Ryorry |
Hi Swailsey
First of all, though I knew things had been tough for you, didn't realise they'd been that bad last year, my heart goes out to you.
Fantastic advice from many on here so I won't reiterate that. Brief thoughts from an oldie's long perspective if that offers anything extra.
You mention "your early 20s friends". This seems key. I wish I'd realised it back then, but from that age to mid-30s is when people are rapidly changing from (relatively) carefree youthfulness to adults who feel the weight of "settling down", with varying amounts of reluctance or choice, whether because of partnering up, kids, housing needs etc.
If I'd realised that I'd probably have been more tolerant & patient enough to take a long view, not been shocked at their turning from fun-loving rebels into sedate people who decided to get well-paid jobs selling insurance or whatever; but as it was I let some friendships go (either just didn't keep in touch, or started an argument which I knew was going to be too frank to end well) - which I really regret now, as I think the basic bonds were strong enough to have lasted until now. In short, I expected too much - them to be perfect, just a ridiculous expectation when I was/am very far from that myself!
But - it's also natural that people change as they age, and change in different degrees at different ages, so relationships are going to change too & sometimes the things that kept friendships alive are no longer a thing, so drifting apart is inevitable.
Inevitably distance changes things, the practicalities of no longer being able to meet up for a quick pint or coffee & chat. Some people are also just realists. I lost two particularly close friendships, one at 22 when I moved 100 miles away; and one at 27 when they moved about 300 miles. Both said they knew they wouldn't keep up because neither they nor I would be coming back, our lives were changing and our worlds moving apart. I still feel sad at both losses (and they did/do feel like that), but cherish the beautiful memories of what we once had.
On the bright side, a lovely guy who I used to work & socialise with as part of a group in the mid 1970s who was also a friend of a housemate at the time, disappeared from my life for 20 years when he moved to S. Yorkshire & I moved to Scotland then N. Yorkshire - but he popped up on my twitter feed c. 2012 & we resumed the friendship, which lasted & became stronger than ever :) |  |
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| Friendships on 04:37 - Sep 28 with 784 views | Benters |
All I can say on that is people come and go,over the course of a life time you will be amazed how many new friends you make.Yes you will lose some but you will also make some.
I have friends I have known for over 50 years,and we mainly keep in touch via FB etc.
But then people do have their own sh1t going on.If that sounds harsh or rude apologies.
Sitting in a Hospital restaurant sipping tea watching the people pouring in and out makes you see that.
Everyone has crap going on in their lives.
Enjoy what you have buh. |  |
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| Friendships on 06:16 - Sep 28 with 730 views | TownieRob |
Sorry you’re feeling like this. I don’t think you’re overreacting. When you’ve been the one organising things for years, moving away can make the silence feel quite personal.
I spend a lot of time working away in pretty much total isolation, while my family and friends are back in the UK. It’s taught me that some people are rubbish at keeping in touch from a distance, even when they do care. I’ve had friendships where we barely speak for months but pick straight back up when I’m home. Equally, it does hurt when you realise you were doing most of the work to keep one going.
What your mate said would have upset/annoyed me too, especially after 20 years. but possbily he was hurt, dealing with his own things (still not an excuse though) and expressed it badly. As you said, you made a move that you needed to make for yourselff so you absolutely houldn’t have to feel guilty for that.
The three friends who are still checking in sound like good people. I’d hold on to them, give the others a bit of time, and try not to make a final judgement while the move is still pretty new.. And for what it’s worth, saying that you’re struggling isn’t self-indulgent.
Take care. My inbox is always open if you fancy a chat. | | | |
| Friendships on 07:24 - Sep 28 with 643 views | Swailsey |
TWTD really can be a wonderful place can’t it. Thank you to everyone who has replied, it really means a lot and helped me feel considerably better.
There’s some amazing advice here and I’m digesting it all. Thank you all for your kindness and for sharing your stories too.
I’m going to focus on those who are there, and try to let the friend who reacted badly know how I feel in a week or so, I want to make sure I frame it correctly.
I’ll look into some groups too.
Thank you again x | |
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| Friendships on 08:48 - Sep 28 with 517 views | Tractor_Buck |
First up, you're not over-reacting. Life is different for everybody, and your circumstances are not those of anyone else.
Due to my family circumstances, I moved house every 18 months or so from the age of 4 to 14, before finally putting down some roots in North Essex. Just as I was getting comfortable, we moved again, this time to the West Midlands where I am still some 37 years later. Fitting in to new places became a learned skill, but I had no idea how much the lack of stability was actually screwing me up until I found myself in a very similar place to where you were mentally, about 4 years ago. But I'm still here, thanks to counselling, and my amazing wife and son.
I still have school friends back in the 'Tree, and we speak on SM occasionally. I know that should I ever venture down there again, we'd meet up for a drink and reminisce, and I'd have a really good time, but they have very different lives to me now and I accept that.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I know now that I put far too much effort into fitting in rather than just being me. I've got people around me now who I really value, but that's because I did what I wanted to do and met people through that who I actually have stuff in common with, rather than me trying to be everyone's mate.
To illustrate this, I was the Best Man at two weddings in my 20s. I haven't spoken to either of the Grooms in over 20 years. Looking back, we weren't really friends, they were people I attached myself to because of the learned action of fitting in.
Never feel like you have to try to do that, and never chase friendships. It's an organic process; people with common interests gravitate towards each other. You are where you are in life for a reason. Enjoy it and let all of the other stuff fall in to place |  | | |
| Friendships on 09:41 - Sep 28 with 396 views | Steve_M |
As ever in these threads, TWTD responds with a great deal of thought, encouragement and reflections from a wide spread of life experiences. So not lots to add but FWIW:
London is both full of people and an incredibly lonely place at times, especially for someone who has just moved there. I've been here 25 years now but I immediately after moving suddenly realised I didn't know anyone outside of work, was just pre-mobile when I was at uni and social media hadn't progressed for those looser acquaintances from university or Ipswich who must have been here at the same time.
As you allude to though, a lot of friendships are location-based, or at least the strength of those friendships is location based. And, as people have other commitments - kids, long-term partners, longer work hours - there is less time to maintain all of those.
Some of your existing friendships you will maintain, others may drift but also - over time - there will be new friends. You do have every right to be annoyed with someone who tells you you've done something wrong by moving though.
And it's not a self-indulgent thread, every one of these type of threads makes people reflect whether they can relate to the circumstances directly or indirectly. And this board is always a place to vent and get some advice or just to talk over problems verbally. |  |
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