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Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.
Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.
So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.
"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"
The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.
When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.
"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."
So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.
Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.
But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:
"F**k off you red-nosed C**t."
"A+++++", "Great Comms, would recommend", "Thank you, the 12 inch black mamba is just perfect" - Ebay.
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 14:46 - Feb 9 by carlo88
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a sign by the side of the road; it says “Talking dog inside”. He doesn’t have anything much to do that day so he figures he’ll check it out. So he goes inside, there’s a man behind the counter, and he says ‘I understand that you have a talking dog’. So the man replies ‘Yes I do’. He says ‘Can I see it?’ and the guy goes ‘Sure, go round the back, you’ll see the talking dog.’
So he goes round to the back of the store and sure enough there’s an old mangy dog lying there in the corner. So he goes over to the dog and says ‘Excuse me, are you the talking dog?’ And the dog looks up and says ‘Yes I am’. The guy says ‘Well, that’s amazing, how did you learn how to talk?’ ‘Well really’ the dog says, ‘there’s not much I can tell you. When I was growing up, when I was a little puppy, all my litter mates would bark, they would howl, but I would talk’ he says ‘It would just come naturally.’
‘That’s an amazing thing, did you ever do anything to capitalize on this amazing talent of yours?’ ‘Oh yes’, the dog says, ‘shortly after I reached adulthood I was a young dog and I joined the CIA. They assigned me to go behind the Iron Curtain; I went to Warsaw, I went to Prague, I spent some time in Moscow. People would talk freely in front of me because I’m a dog, and then I would return and report back to my case officer. We had many many intelligence coups that way.’ ‘That’s really sensational’ the guy says, ‘Did you do anything after the CIA?’ ‘Yeah, I went to work for the State department, I was at the Court of St James, the American embassy in London, then I went to Paris and served several years there. Then frankly I got tired of being away from home, came back here and met a beautiful female dog, we got married and had a beautiful litter and I’m settled down now; this is what I’m doing.’
‘That’s sensational’ the guy says. ‘Wait a minute, I’ll be right back.’ So he goes around to the front of the store and he says ‘I don’t suppose you’d be willing to sell this dog?’ The owner says ‘Sure, I’ve been wanting to sell him for a while.’ ‘Well how much would you want for this dog?’ ‘Ten dollars’, the owner goes. ‘Ten dollars!? For a dog that’s so fantastic?’
‘Yeah, but he’s full of sh*t, he’s never done any of those things’.
They hop down the road and into a field full of carrots. They gorge themselves until all they can do is crawl under a hedge and sleep it off. When morning comes, they exit on the other side of the hedge into a field full of doe-eyed does. The three boy rabbits have a wild time with the ladies until night falls and they crawl into the hedge utterly exhausted. As dawn rises, they spot a new, freshly ploughed field and spend the whole day digging and playing in the lovely loose soil. Completely knackered and covered in mud, they curl up in a burrow one of them dug and sleep all night.
The following morning after a quick poo and drink from a pond in the corner of the field, they get chatting. One says “you know what, I’m going back to the carrots, that was a brilliant day.” His mate replies “it’s the does for me, what a time I had there”.
The third rabbit looks a bit sheepish and says “I’m going back to the lab”. “You what? You’re mad. Why?” “I haven’t had a fag for three days”
It's 106 miles to Portman Road, we've got a full tank of gas, half a round of Port Salut, it's dark... and we're wearing blue tinted sunglasses.
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 16:13 - Feb 8 by Ewan_Oozami
Almost any joke told by Tommy Cooper....
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said Why?" He said "My dog's died." "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
I went to the butchers and said “I bet you £50 you can’t reach the meat on the top shelf.”
Butcher says “Nah I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high”
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Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 23:15 - Feb 9 with 3548 views
Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 20:53 - Feb 9 by Plums
Three rabbits escape from the lab.
They hop down the road and into a field full of carrots. They gorge themselves until all they can do is crawl under a hedge and sleep it off. When morning comes, they exit on the other side of the hedge into a field full of doe-eyed does. The three boy rabbits have a wild time with the ladies until night falls and they crawl into the hedge utterly exhausted. As dawn rises, they spot a new, freshly ploughed field and spend the whole day digging and playing in the lovely loose soil. Completely knackered and covered in mud, they curl up in a burrow one of them dug and sleep all night.
The following morning after a quick poo and drink from a pond in the corner of the field, they get chatting. One says “you know what, I’m going back to the carrots, that was a brilliant day.” His mate replies “it’s the does for me, what a time I had there”.
The third rabbit looks a bit sheepish and says “I’m going back to the lab”. “You what? You’re mad. Why?” “I haven’t had a fag for three days”
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Biden," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**K is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Two mates go into a pub. There's a man at the bar, so one chap say's to the other "Wonder what he does for a living ?" I'll get a couple and pints and ask him says the other man. He goes to the bar orders two pints and say's to the chap at the bar "we were wondering what you did for a living?" He replied "I'm a lecturer in logic" Looking confused the man says "What's that then" Well says the man I will give you an example. Do you have a garden shed ? Yes says the man. Well if you have a garden shed you must have a garden. Again the reply is "Yes". If you have a garden you must have a house. Again "yes" and if you have a house you are probably married and have children. The reply again is "Yes". If you are married and have kids you probably don't masturbate. That is logic. The guy picks the two pints up and goes back to his friend. What did he say says the friend. He's a Lecturer in Logic. Let me give you an example. "Do you have a garden shed ?" No says his mate. Well you must be a feckin w*nker then.
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Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 19:40 - Mar 24 with 3009 views
Popped to the butchers this morning and noticed he was on his own. ‘What’s happened to your young lad then, is he off sick? ‘Oh him..no, I’ve had to let him go’ ‘That’s a shame, what happened?’ ‘I caught him again with his knob in the bacon slicer’ ‘Good god, that’s monstrous. The filthy little sod…erm..what have you done about the bacon slicer?’ ‘Don’t you worry about that, she’s on a final warning as well’
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Your all-time favourite ever joke? on 16:43 - Mar 26 with 2397 views
How do you know that a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
All the bins are empty and the dog is pregnant.
They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do. To create a new strain of super-wine in half-an-hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. 'Bernard Black, he's mad,' they'd say, 'he's insane, he's dangerous.' Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!
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