| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it 00:32 - May 15 with 2234 views | The_Romford_Blue |
This might not be a good idea. And I might have Phil delete it at some point. But I can’t speak to family and friends because they all know her. And she can’t know I know. My on/off missus of two years. Currently off albeit on Sunday night drunkenly on. But for the basis of this, let’s say just not together.
So I found out drunkenly by mistake (saw the hospital paperwork) on Sunday that in December 2023 she miscarried my baby. We’d been together 7/8 months at that point. She for some reason didn’t tell me. And instead dealt with it alone. And before you ask, yes I’m sure it was definitely mine. The fact she went through it alone hurts in itself. We split about a month later for a couple of months and I always thought the ‘row’ was never worth splitting over. As it turns out, presumably this played a big part.
Now I know I never knew about it til this weekend but it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. Just find myself crying about it. I think it’s just the idea that we’d have in another world be happy together with a 1 year old but instead she went through that. I feel like I’m grieving the situation now even though it’s something that I didn’t even know about and was 18 months ago. Been all over the place today and ended up on the wrong train to work for nearly an hour before I’d even realised.
I don’t know what I’m looking to achieve here tbh. I just wanted to put it somewhere else other than in ny head. And I didn’t want it to be to someone who knows her as that’s clearly not fair. I just feel like it hurts. A lot. |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 01:15 - May 15 with 2111 views | IPS_wich |
I'm going to make some assumptions here that: (a) You were not actively trying to start a family; (b) The miscarriage would have happened relatively early in the pregnancy for you not to be aware that she was pregnant (although the fact she went to hospital might suggest it was more developed than I'm assuming).
What's important to remember is that a miscarriage is a result of something biological that means the pregnancy was not viable, whether that's due to the development of the foetus or something to do with the mother's ability to sustain the pregnancy. So, there is no other world where you would have been a Dad to a 1 year old - the miscarriage was inevitable. Far better than being in a situation where the miscarriage happened when you were trying to start a family.
I have been saying this to myself for 32 years ever since I was 18 and in my first long term relationship - and my then girlfriend had a miscarriage at what we assume was about 6 weeks. We could remember the condom failing and she had been worried about being late for her period. The reality of the situation was we were both very young, in our first year at uni, and split up about 11 months later. To be honest the idea of having had a kid at that age (and with that particular partner) horrifies me and it's far easier to not even think of it as having ever been a viable chance of becoming a baby.
I hope this next bit doesn't come off as blunt, but rarely does adding a child into a challenging relationship ever bring collective happiness. Maybe your on/off partner will be the one and you're both working through what you want and whether that involves each other - but adding a child into that uncertainty is probably not the best for you or the child. You might be destined to be the best Dad in the world, but as a child of divorce, there is nothing worse than having parents who clearly don't like each other.
But - you're in shock and it will always take some time to work through the various implications. I think it's good that you have a platform like this where you can share.
And if nothing else, at least you know the old fella down below is firing live ammunition. |  | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 01:20 - May 15 with 2103 views | Kropotkin123 |
I wouldn't put any blame, not that I think you are, on her, for not saying. Now that you know, I think it is worth speaking to her about it. Giving her a hug, cry, talk though points of empathy. I think it would do you both good to let it out in front of each other.
Sorry this has happened to you |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 06:28 - May 15 with 1798 views | Warkystache |
Rommers - listen to the advice already provided on here - don't beat yourself up over this. Instead, console yourself with the thought that, as it hurts, it shows you are fundamentally a decent person who will progress from this and be stronger.
You didn't do anything wrong and I hope you find it within yourself to realise that. It sucks, but not everything in life is always plain sailing. Take care.
Warky |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 07:26 - May 15 with 1609 views | Pippin1970 |
Some really decent people in here. Keep talking about it and find don't bottle it up. You'll get through this. I work with children who have had traumatic pasts ,that other places can't handle.. | | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 07:34 - May 15 with 1574 views | DJR |
Really sorry to hear that.
You say that you can't let her know, and I know that would be terribly difficult to do, but perhaps that would be the best thing to do.
Of course it might end your relationship for good but it doesn't sound terribly on at the moment anyway. Maybe it will reveal reasons for what she did (she felt too young, it was too early in the relationship, she thought her parents would disapprove?), and if it ended the relationship at least you might get a better insight into how she feels about you.
And I am not suggesting you do this straight away when you are clearly emotionally affected. [Post edited 15 May 7:35]
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 07:40 - May 15 with 1553 views | BanksterDebtSlave |
That's a real tough thing to absorb Rommers but good on you for putting it out there.
As you now know, my instinct is that you should tell her as much so that she knows you are there for her, it might well come as a relief to her and help her with releasing any lingering guilt and moving on. Also, saying nothing will eat you up, oh but try and do it sober!
As others have pointed out this was never a viable pregnancy but would have massively affected how your relationship evolved, hopefully sharing belatedly will make you both stronger.
You're a good lad Rommy even if I never get to read your successful tips in time! |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 07:44 - May 15 with 1543 views | Keno |
Ive nothing really to add here Rommers just to yes life can really hurt!! Well done for speaking up and sharing, we are all here for you and I'm sure many people will be happy to talk to you if that would help.
Dont do anything in a hurry. You do need time to greave this loss, just to come to terms with all the aspects of what has happened. You have loss of the baby and also the loss of trust with the young lady involved, both will hurt, both will affect you and you need to work through those losses.
In doing so you may work out what you want to do next, but make that your decision not someone else's. |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 08:02 - May 15 with 1448 views | bluelagos |
Sounds horrible Rommers - for you and your lady.
Don't have any particular insights or thoughts other than to say take time for yourself.
Would be easy to self medicate - go out and drink too much etc. but if you can, try and get out for a walk/fresh air too. Allow your self to cry, to grieve and don't be hard on yourself for whatever you are thinking.
Like any grief it will take some time, but you will progress in time - albeit that probably seems a way off at the moment. [Post edited 15 May 8:02]
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 08:20 - May 15 with 1360 views | The_Flashing_Smile |
Sorry to hear this Rommers, a horrible situation for all involved. All I can add is these things are sent to try us, but we do get through them. Think of all the tough situations you've had in life so far - you got through them all. And you'll get through this one too.
It'll be hard at first but it'll make you tougher/more resilient over time, and make it easier to cope when there's other tough things to deal with further down the line.
I wouldn't want to offer advice on a relationship I know nothing about, but the idea of a relationship that is "on/off (for) two years. Currently off albeit on Sunday night drunkenly on" doesn't sound in a good place. Not a good place for a child, certainly, and doesn't sound a good place for you either. I've been clinging on in relationships that weren't working, and now look back thinking I was mad, but it's really hard not to hang in there thinking you won't find better. I think you're still fairly young and probably haven't had many relationships - I'd say usually (not always) the first few aren't right anyway, and are more 'learning grounds' for the future 'The One'.
As harsh as it may sound, the miscarriage and the relationship itself might both be very tough (but do-able) learning curves for you. Life can really hurt, but it can also stand you in good stead for the future. |  |
| Trust the process. Trust Phil. |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 08:46 - May 15 with 1233 views | Churchman |
I’m sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it. I can’t add to the good comments in this thread but wish you well.
Make sure you look after and are kind to yourself. |  | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 08:50 - May 15 with 1202 views | giant_stow |
This is a good place to let this pain out Romford, so at least don't worry about that.
All I can say is that when the same happened to my partner, the thought that really helped was similar to what one of the posters says above: that nature was saying that things weren't viable and survival was impossible. [Post edited 15 May 8:51]
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 08:53 - May 15 with 1159 views | blueasfook |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 08:50 - May 15 by giant_stow |
This is a good place to let this pain out Romford, so at least don't worry about that.
All I can say is that when the same happened to my partner, the thought that really helped was similar to what one of the posters says above: that nature was saying that things weren't viable and survival was impossible. [Post edited 15 May 8:51]
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You've been coming here for years to share your pain of supporting Norwich. |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 09:17 - May 15 with 1033 views | nodge_blue |
These life moments drag up those sort of emotions. It's all pretty significant stuff and I guess a lot of people at some point write similar chapters.
Just ride out the wave of emotions a little and then decide if you want to talk to her about it and really be honest in terms of ideally what you'd like from the relationship.
And write some more chapters one way or another. |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 09:20 - May 15 with 1016 views | Lord_Lucan |
Go and give her a big cuddle. |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 09:27 - May 15 with 980 views | Bluebell |
Downvoted by mistake.
So sorry to hear about this Rommy. I can understand why you are devastated.
Although you don’t want your girlfriend to know that you know what happened you may feel differently later.
I think it may help both of you to talk about it together. Nobody knows why she didn’t tell you but it might help if you tell her that you have found out and need to talk about it. It is sometimes easier to to talk about these things with the other person involved and have a cry together. You can explain how you feel. |  | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 09:35 - May 15 with 912 views | Luk38644 |
Hi mate - logged in just to reply to this. Life can be a f***er and affect us in ways we would never imagine, and things you don't think would affect you can hit you the hardest. The only bit of advice I can give is you're not defined by this, you'll be defined by how you learn from it. The other main thing is what you've already done which is to reach out and talk about it - I get that it's a difficult situation but anyone you can talk to about it, do, you'll feel miles better for it.
As a new Dad myself, one thing I will say is that although you might not have been prepared or even wanted it to happen, even as men, having a child is simply amazing and changes you as a person from the first minute they're here, so it's no surprise that such a potentially huge life changing moment has hit you hard. You'll get there mate, got to talk about it, try and process it in your own ways and learn from it all, it's all you can do. |  | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 09:59 - May 15 with 794 views | NthQldITFC |
Feel for you. I'd say find a way to talk about it with her. Honesty, openness and complete transparency is always the best way in all relationships as far as I am concerned - they survive it or don't - but if one or both of you are carrying painful secrets I don't think you can ever really fully commit, and you'll both know that, if not knowing the reason why. |  |
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| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 10:25 - May 15 with 682 views | cressi |
As I old codger myself life often seems unfair and challenging at times. As somebody else said having a child with somebody but not in a great relationship is not the best thing I've been there and brought mine up
Harsh but time out finding yourself is more important. When ur reading you will meet someone where you no where you are in the relationship.
You could go through life loving a few women for different reasons.
Each time a relationship ends somebody else comes along. Think forward no back I have got the fu*k it box my head lock it up and be positive. | | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 11:13 - May 15 with 481 views | itfc_bucks |
Yeah, fella, that's got to feel pretty shtty.
Words are going to feel real hollow, but you've been given all the right advice by people far wiser than me, already.
Don't bottle it up, talk to people. Even morons on here!
Nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn't feel - you're entirely allowed to feel however you want to about this.
You clearly care about this lass, so just try and view everything she says and does through a prism of love - she won't want you hurting either, I'm sure. | | | |
| Life can really hurt sometimes can’t it on 12:40 - May 15 with 283 views | textbackup |
My advice mate FWIW, in my 40 years there’s very little that doesn’t get sorted/better after some proper communication.
That’s the same with work/life/anything.
If you told her you knew of the situation and that you are there for her, you might find things absolutely blossom and you grow closer and become ‘on’ forever.
This will eat away at you, and no good can come from keeping it in.
Good luck with how you chose to deal with it mate |  |
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