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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? 07:02 - Sep 12 with 1029 viewsWeWereZombies

I would not actually wish this upon her (an end happens to us all eventually anyway) but:

Delia Smith dies and passing on to the other side she says to the first soul she encounters

'This is just as I had imagined it, Heaven is a lot like Norwich.'

They turn towards her 'Sorry to have to be the one to break this to you but you are not in Heaven...'

Poll: My previous poll is no longer relevant, should I start a new poll?

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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 08:58 - Sep 12 with 918 viewsOldsmoker

A popular TWTD poster has died and finds himself at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says follow me and they walk up a corridor lined with clocks on the walls.
He notices that the clocks bear the names of other TWTD posters.
"Have they died too?" he asks.
"Oh no" says Pete "These are their life clocks"
"I've just noticed one clock jumped forward 5 minutes"
"That happens when they have a w*nk"
"Where's the clock for Spruce?"
"We keep that one in the staff room and use it as a fan"

Poll: Do you think Posters should be allowed to the same poll twice?

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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 08:59 - Sep 12 with 910 viewswkj

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 08:58 - Sep 12 by Oldsmoker

A popular TWTD poster has died and finds himself at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says follow me and they walk up a corridor lined with clocks on the walls.
He notices that the clocks bear the names of other TWTD posters.
"Have they died too?" he asks.
"Oh no" says Pete "These are their life clocks"
"I've just noticed one clock jumped forward 5 minutes"
"That happens when they have a w*nk"
"Where's the clock for Spruce?"
"We keep that one in the staff room and use it as a fan"


I fear you might have misunderstood the title of the post, were after rubbish jokes, not belters xxx

"EDIT: If you're a big jizzface and don't like wine, use stock and lemon juice. In fact, don't even bother, just have a ready meal and a long hard look in the mirror." - Dyland
Poll: Quickfire Round: Which is correct for tonight
Blog: The Identity Crisis of Modern Football

2

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:02 - Sep 12 with 905 viewsMoriarty

This is best told by a Kerry man so apologies if it doesn’t come as well when typed!

A Kerry man named Jim was married to Mary. However, he had started an affair with his secretary Amanda. He used meet Amanda a few evenings during the week on the pretense he was golfing.

One summer evening, whilst with Amanda, he got a phone call from Mary.

“Where the hell are you. Tonight is our anniversary and I went to lot of trouble preparing something here for you” she screamed.

“I’ll be home soon and I’ll explain then” he said.

Then he turned to Amanda and gave her his car key. “Quick” he said. “Take my golf shoes from the boot and make then dirty by rubbing them on the grass. As dirty as you can”

She did so. He put on his golf shoes and left.

Jim arrived home. “I’m going to come clean” he said. “I was with Amanda. I’ve been having an affair with her for a while”.

““Do you think I’m f@cking stupid”! She roared. “I can see your shoes, I know you were golfing again”!

fka omuircheartaigh

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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:07 - Sep 12 with 892 viewsBlueBoots

I slept like a baby last night...shat my pants at 3am, and then started crying because I was desperate to suck on some tits
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:17 - Sep 12 with 869 viewsOldsmoker

I went to a massage parlour last week.
My masseur was a gorgeous 22 year old swedish blond.
She asked me to lie on the massage bed and noticed the bulge in my boxers.
"Would you like a w*nk?" she said
"Oh god, yes"
"I'll just check that the coast is clear" and left the room.
I laid there hardly believing my luck. This was the something I'd only dreamed of.
She returned.
"Have you finished?"

Poll: Do you think Posters should be allowed to the same poll twice?

1
Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:19 - Sep 12 with 860 viewsWeWereZombies

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:02 - Sep 12 by Moriarty

This is best told by a Kerry man so apologies if it doesn’t come as well when typed!

A Kerry man named Jim was married to Mary. However, he had started an affair with his secretary Amanda. He used meet Amanda a few evenings during the week on the pretense he was golfing.

One summer evening, whilst with Amanda, he got a phone call from Mary.

“Where the hell are you. Tonight is our anniversary and I went to lot of trouble preparing something here for you” she screamed.

“I’ll be home soon and I’ll explain then” he said.

Then he turned to Amanda and gave her his car key. “Quick” he said. “Take my golf shoes from the boot and make then dirty by rubbing them on the grass. As dirty as you can”

She did so. He put on his golf shoes and left.

Jim arrived home. “I’m going to come clean” he said. “I was with Amanda. I’ve been having an affair with her for a while”.

““Do you think I’m f@cking stupid”! She roared. “I can see your shoes, I know you were golfing again”!


A Scotsman told his wife before they married that when she moved into his house after the wedding she will notice a chest at the end of the bed. She must never open it.

Eventually after forty years of marriage she can resist the temptation no longer and she picks the lock only to find three old golf balls and a few crumpled five pound notes.

When he comes home she admits to breaking her word and asks him what the chest is all about.

He says 'Firstly I forgive you and now I have my own confession to make. Each time I have been unfaithful to you I have put a golf ball in that chest.'

At first she is taken aback but she quickly gathers herself and has a think. In forty years perhaps three instances is not so much and, tearfully, she says 'Obviously I cannot forget this but I forgive you too. But what were those fivers about?'

He turns away and gives an offhand comment 'Well, what use are old golf balls to someone with my handicap? Every time I had a dozen in the chest I went down to the club and sold them for a fiver.'

Poll: My previous poll is no longer relevant, should I start a new poll?

3

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:31 - Sep 12 with 830 viewsfooters

On the way to work this morning, I saw a bloke crouching down in a graveyard. I said, "Morning" and he replied "No, I'm having a sh1t."

"Yeah well, those kids probably get stickers for good behaviour, not our fault that Phil aint dishing out Paninis is it"
Poll: Who is the best Judge?

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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:36 - Sep 12 with 804 viewswkj

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:31 - Sep 12 by footers

On the way to work this morning, I saw a bloke crouching down in a graveyard. I said, "Morning" and he replied "No, I'm having a sh1t."


And we've been best mates ever since

"EDIT: If you're a big jizzface and don't like wine, use stock and lemon juice. In fact, don't even bother, just have a ready meal and a long hard look in the mirror." - Dyland
Poll: Quickfire Round: Which is correct for tonight
Blog: The Identity Crisis of Modern Football

1
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:49 - Sep 12 with 767 viewsOldsmoker

A nurse was called to the examination room to help a gynecologist with a rather large patient.
They got too close and both fell in.
They stumbled around for a while and the assistant found some keys.
"I've found some keys"
"Great. Now if we can just find the car we can drive out."

Poll: Do you think Posters should be allowed to the same poll twice?

0

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 10:11 - Sep 12 with 710 viewsflimflam

I have Russian friend who is a sound engineer.






























And a check one two, a check one two.
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 10:29 - Sep 12 with 669 viewsRocky

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of blokes saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing.
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 10:31 - Sep 12 with 660 viewsRocky

Jonathan Ross was recently arrested for trying to steal a kitchen utensil from Tesco's.
He said later that it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 11:36 - Sep 12 with 589 viewsbefxblue

What do you call someone named Claire if they are covered in chocolate?

Chocolatey Claire.
3

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 12:17 - Sep 12 with 532 viewsBlueastheycome

An Englishman, a Scotsman’s and an Irishman are in the pub having a drink together.

The Englishman turns to the others and says ‘do you know what- I think I have the smallest hands in the world, I’m going to go down to the Guinness book of records headquarters and get this certified’ so that evening the Englishman goes to the headquarters and comes out with a certificate that he has the smallest hands in the world.

The next day, the Scotsman turns to the others and says ‘do you know what- I think I have the smallest feet in the world, I’m going to go down to the Guinness book of records headquarters to get this certified’ so that evening the Scotsman goes to the headquarters and comes out with a certificate that he has the smallest feet in the world.

The day after that, the Irishman turns to the others and says ‘do you know what- I think I have the smallest pen*s in the world, I’m going to go down the Guinness book of records to get this certified’. So that evening, the Irishman goes to the headquarters but comes out empty handed and cries..

‘Who the hell is Paul Hurst?!’
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 13:04 - Sep 12 with 464 viewsChondzoresk

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do; he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family

Credit Milton Jones.
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 13:32 - Sep 12 with 423 viewsDefault_User

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?

No Ikea.

I love to shag cups.
Poll: Is it too soon to sack Hurst?

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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 13:33 - Sep 12 with 422 viewsWeWereZombies

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 12:17 - Sep 12 by Blueastheycome

An Englishman, a Scotsman’s and an Irishman are in the pub having a drink together.

The Englishman turns to the others and says ‘do you know what- I think I have the smallest hands in the world, I’m going to go down to the Guinness book of records headquarters and get this certified’ so that evening the Englishman goes to the headquarters and comes out with a certificate that he has the smallest hands in the world.

The next day, the Scotsman turns to the others and says ‘do you know what- I think I have the smallest feet in the world, I’m going to go down to the Guinness book of records headquarters to get this certified’ so that evening the Scotsman goes to the headquarters and comes out with a certificate that he has the smallest feet in the world.

The day after that, the Irishman turns to the others and says ‘do you know what- I think I have the smallest pen*s in the world, I’m going to go down the Guinness book of records to get this certified’. So that evening, the Irishman goes to the headquarters but comes out empty handed and cries..

‘Who the hell is Paul Hurst?!’


Four men are sitting in one of those old style railway compartments. One is reading The Daily Mail.

After ten minutes he impulsively squashes it up into a ball and angrily smashes it down into the waste bin. The other three turn to him and say in unison 'What did you do that for?'

The first man says 'I am a Member of Parliament and to read all the misconstructions of some journalists makes my blood boil so I treated that as what it was.'

The second man reaches into a carrier bag and brings out a bottle of supermarket own brand whisky together with four plastic cups. He pours them each a generous measure and hands round the beakers. But as soon as he sips his own he takes them all back and slings them together with the half empty bottle into the bin. The other three look at him and say 'What did you do that for?'

'Weel' (for he is a Scot) 'I have neiver tasted such cac in all ma life. I remembered how good that twenty year old Aberlour I have at hame and drink oot o' thay crystal tumblers is. I couldnae stand to be a party to handing oot such dishwatter to ye and in such awfa cups.'

The third man is Stephen Fry and he is wearing a Nodge scarf and reading Bobby Robson's autobiography. After ten minutes he tears all the pages out of the book and throws them into the waste bin. The first two men ask him 'Why did you do that?'

Fry replies ' I am an avid viewer of Look East and hardly ever miss it, and when I do I have it recorded or catch up on the iPlayer. That book claimed that Ipswich Town had won the league and the FA Cup and the UEFA Cup and that two of their managers had gone on to manage England. This has never been reported on in Look East so must be a tissue of lies. I was incensed that such a thing could be published and would attempt to overshadow the great participation of my club in English football.'

After ten minutes the fourth man picked up Fry, turned him upside down and dumped him into the waste bin. The other two men said 'What did you do that for?'

'Felt like it'
[Post edited 12 Sep 13:40]

Poll: My previous poll is no longer relevant, should I start a new poll?

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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 14:17 - Sep 12 with 370 viewsitfcinwales

Whats a Horse's favourite sport?

Stable Tennis
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Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 15:36 - Sep 12 with 311 viewsRocky

Rubbish joke Thursday anyone? on 09:31 - Sep 12 by footers

On the way to work this morning, I saw a bloke crouching down in a graveyard. I said, "Morning" and he replied "No, I'm having a sh1t."


I also went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 2 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Several hours later they were still wandering about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.
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